A Christmas Confession

Yesterday during our church service, we responsively read this confession. It is one of the most beautiful I have ever heard. 

Leader:   We were heavy with sorrow, but Joy interrupted

                 We were deep in the night, but a Star appeared

                 We were silent with sadness, but the Heavens rang

People:   And the splendor shone around them

                When the time had fully come

Leader:   We were hardened by conflict, but Love intervened

                 We were frightened by shadows, but Light took them away

                 We were haunted by fears, but a Child brought us Hope

People:   And she laid Him in a manger

                 When the time had fully come

Leader:   We were dismal and defeated, but Faith set us on fire

                 We were weary and complaining, but our hearts discovered Praise

                 We were doubtful and confused, but a door to Life was opened

People:   And the guiding star went before them

                When the time had fully come

Leader:  We were arrogant and angry, but His Innocence disarmed us

                We were cruel, crude and clumsy, but His Grace made all things new

                We were selfish, narrow, greedy, but His Joy we had to share

People:  And they offered them their treasured gifts

               When the time had fully come

Leader:  We were sheep who had lost their way, but the Sheperd knew our names

                We were strangers without a country, but our Kingdom came to us

                We were children far from home, but God sent His Son to guide

People:  And the Word was made flesh

               When the time had fully come

AMEN! 

Short & Sweet on American Marriage and Happiness

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

The United States Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776

My dear friend asked me the other day how so many Americans wind up divorced in a country that is predominantly Christian, or at least heavily influenced by Christianity. She specifically asked how the church condones such a thing.  I think there are two things at work here. Yes, certainly the influence of Christianity on American culture (ergo the preponderance of marriages), but also American culture and inherent beliefs, specifically right to the pursuit of happiness.  The following is an account of what I told her, including some reflections that have come to my attention since that time.

Marriage is more than a piece of paper, a societal commitment or an obligation to submit to the desires of the family.

A true marriage should be a commitment to the spouse.  

"Foresaking all others" 

(that doesn't just mean to be faithful - it means taking the needs of your spouse into consideration FIRST)

A partnership. An entity in which both parties have an equal responsibility to the happiness, health, welfare and well-being of the other. Happiness. Yep. I said it. Happiness. How many people, do you think, feel an obligation to their spouse for their HAPPINESS?

Of course, many people believe and know that another person isn't capable of making you happy if you can't be happy yourself, but there are people who can certainly make you miserable...and that's the opposite of happy (and arguably the problem of many American marriages).

As noted above, happiness is such a deeply embedded idea in the American psyche that we not only expect it, but we know that we have to work for it, as well. In the "Land of the free, home of the brave", we believe in happiness. We believe that God granted us an inalienable right to happiness.

...and maybe we believe we have a right to be free from someone who does not contribute to our happiness, takes it away or isn't willing to put forth the effort to create a more pleasant union. (that could pull in the whole American work ethic thing, but Lord knows I don't have time to tackle that one!)

Occasionally, people marry for the wrong reasons;  to grow up, to settle down, to move up in the world.  For some, marriage is seen as the vehicle to finally be able to "own" somebody, to keep them, to make them ours. Some people want to get married so that they can have children and live the "American dream" - house, kids, cars, vacations - woo! Social standing, compatibility, and similar backgrounds often contribute to the decision to marry as much as do being in love and having desire for that person.

In other words, we think of marriage as being this culmination of romance, but in actuality, it is often something else.

The verses from Corinthians that I am so fond of quoting are often heard in American wedding ceremonies...

Corinthians 12:31 and 13:4-8; 11,13

But strive for the greater gifts. And I will show you a still more excellent way.
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice
in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth.It bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things,endures all things.  Love never ends. 

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I
reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish
ways. And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and
the greatest of these is love.

Herein may lie the rub...kindness promotes happiness, hope produces happiness, acting like an adult produces happiness - when one marries, it's time to act like an adult! In other words, take the high road - don't grovel around in pettiness, resentment, rejoicing in wrongdoing...while I say that we should treat everyone in this way, it is especially important to treat your spouse this way.

Perhaps when people aren't treated this way, perhaps when people finally realize they married the wrong person for the wrong reasons, when people finally realize they are miserable, they seek a divorce. I will not go so far as to say that the Christian church in America condones divorce, but if the partners aren't living up to the tenants of marriage, is there really a marriage? (not a document or obligation, but a marriage???)

Maybe not. And maybe then it is better to be free to pursue happiness.

Lest this sounds like some selfish attempt at living some kind of Hedonistic life, let me assure you - there is nothing simple about achieving happiness...it takes work, effort and submission. It is not a selfish act, but one that honors the life given by God - remember the Declaration of Independence (arguably the foundation of American mores), our Creator gave us the right to happiness...if we have it not, then we are not living the life given to us that should be honored. In short, it is about honor, respect, effort, charity and submission. And love.

Christmas 1988/2011

1988 was the first year that I spent Christmas away from my "real" family with a "new" family. My life was changing - complete upheaval - and it was the first year I was a mother. My priorities were shifting, my perspective on life was shifting and I was more than a little anxious about my future.

It is said that the more things change, the more they stay the same and oddly enough I find myself in a situation similar to the one in 1988.

Even though my life is changing, I am surrounded by so many people who love and care about me, who are looking out for me and who truly have taken on a huge responsibility to see me through this first year.  I am eternally grateful.

An added challenge this year, as opposed to 1988, is that I am out of my cultural context. Signs of the season abound in the US and many churches in my native tongue are everywhere. Here, there are few symbols of the season and it'll be necessary to be more focused and intentional to engage and participate in Advent and Christmas.

Because of my experience in 1988, I welcome this Christmas with open arms. I learned some things in 1988 that fortified me, nurtured me and planted the seeds of a spiritual awakening.  I can only imagine the gifts and blessings of this season.  It'll be different, but it will be exactly what it's supposed to be.

Gloria in Excelsis Deo!

Be Careful What You Pray For...or not...

A friend of mine told me the other day (for those of you who know me, you know that really means a few months ago) that he is afraid to pray for things to happen in his life because his faith is so strong that he knows God will provide.  The example he gave described how he got his job. He really needed a job. After he earned his master's degree, he really needed a job. He prayed for one.  He sent 50 resumes to companies and businesses all over Indonesia...only to be offered a job by a company to whom he did not apply and to be located in a city in which he didn't want to live. But hey! It's a job and I asked for it, God gave it so I'll take it. (and I sure won't ask for anything else!)

Yeah.  I understand that thinking and surely I'd be scared too if I thought praying was like placing an order in a vending machine! The good that came out of that conversation is two-fold. It helped me remember what I'll talk about below and I also found this awesome quote attributed to John Paul Jones:

If fear is cultivated it will become stronger, if faith is cultivated it will achieve mastery.

Although not quite a "prayer warrior" (truly pray without ceasing), prayer is mandatory for me and I do pray often. I pray enough that some friends have asked me why I don't genuflect after praying (because I'm a Protestant Christian, only Catholics do that...I think), after saying grace in my head before a meal, maybe "that took longer than usual - what did you say?" and "are you sleepy?" ("No, sorry, just had to let something go for a minute").  I can and do pray anytime.

"Let go and let God"; that used to be a popular sticker on cars and I never understood what it meant...let me assure you I know now.

When we pray the Lord's prayer "..Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven", we are not asking for ourselves or our goals, but asking that the will of God happens (and that's a good thing since our wills are often at odds with the wills of others)

When I pray, I try to remember to give thanks. I try to remember certain people who need prayerful attention. I try to remember to be focused and respectful. And I certainly ask that God's will be done very often, because I trust Him more than I trust me.

Usually nothing worthwhile is ever easy, but there's one exception. Let go and let God.  I don't know of anything easier...or of anything more worthwhile.

On Faith and Love...and Following

 ....Lately I've been running on faith...what else can a poor |girl| do? But my world will be right, when love comes over you... Eric Clapton (Running on Faith)

 
Living a faithful life sounds pretty straight-forward. Have faith, be faithful, faithfully follow.  Thankfully for me, I have been pulled from the fiery pits of hell so many times that I don't have to try to have faith, I can do nothing except have faith.

In spite of myself, God loves me, leads me and saves me, usually from myself. In the traditional hymn, How Firm a Foundation, we are reminded that

“When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not harm thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

“The soul that on Jesus doth lean for repose,
I will not, I will not, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.”

Faith is the most important thing in my life.  Faith empowers me, allows me to live with hope and to remember that God loves me; no use trying to hide or change to earn that love.  He knows me through and through.

And loves me still.

Faith is, indeed, the foundation of my being. 

Matthew 17:20

He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Additionally, I've talked a lot about love and how important it is to incorporate the recommendations found in  Corinthians into our own lives

http://charlotteinmalang.blogspot.com/2011/07/let-love-rule-really.html

Like many other things about which I write, walking in faith and serving in love are not as simple as they seem and can be quite challenging. Much like treating ALL people with love (in addition to those we "select") we either follow in faith or we don't - there's no picking and choosing.  We submit or we don't. God either knew us before he formed us in the womb (Jeremiah 1:5), numbered every hair on our heads (Luke 12:7) and orders our steps (Psalm 37:23) or He doesn't. 

DISCLOSURE - I am not trained in scripture comprehension, application or anything similar...I am a regular person trying to live a faithful life and I'm sure that the verses I noted above can have other meanings or may not apply in the way that I mean for them to BUT they help me to lead a loving and fulfilling life. I don't use scriptural references to try to justify actions, manipulate or denigrate others, or to argue.  The purpose is to assist in communication.

Having faith means many things and especially for me, when I am challenged, experiencing something "weird" or questioning tenets held to be ever so absolute, I know that God is at work in my life.  I try to listen, follow and submit.  I try to get out of the way.  Having faith means tuning into something greater than myself.  Having faith means that I have to be willing to take chances, to step into unknown or scary territory, and even occasionally do things that I'm not very sure about (probably for a host of reasons).

As I try to live in faith and love, it is certain that I have free will and am responsible for my actions, but it is also certain that God knows where I'm going.  He may even have a plan for me and I will try, with my heart and my humanity, to follow.

When I reflect on where I've been in my life and where I am, it is ever so obvious that I was never alone. 

I Believe:

• My steps are ordered
• God will lead me 
• Everything will be OK
• (That's all I need to know)

Procrastination...and Purpose

What you do when you procrastinate is what you should be doing for the rest of your life...

(Procrastination is defined by Merriam Webster as follows: "to put off intentionally and habitually".)

This post popped up in one of my Facebook feeds and I thought about it quite seriously.  Why is procrastination such a bad thing? Think about what you're doing when you procrastinate; maybe it's having a little fun, maybe resting, maybe doing some mandatory work around the house.  If nothing else, it can truly make what you value quite clear.  Getting things done is my "joie de vivre", but oh how I procrastinate! If whatever needs doing isn't getting done now, maybe it's because I'm living in the present! (and whatever is getting done at the time is more important that what I thought I needed to do)

What do you do when YOU procrastinate? What? You mean it isn't always the same thing? (could that possibly mean that something just happened to be more important at that particular time?)

For me, writing blogs and creating newsletters is VERY important, but oh! how I've procrastinated! The justifications include everything from not having an idea about what to write about to having too many things to write about! Too many things is really what it is - life is moving here at the speed of light and how can I possibly record what is going on in any kind of comprehensive way? Therefore, I procrastinate and continue to live the life that is so amazing and that completely overwhelms me in an oh! so awesome way!

(...little did I know that I was on the right path...)

Thus far, it sounds as if procrastination is pretty much justified...but while riding my bike recently, I had an amazing thought!

If what we do when we procrastinate is really that important, why do I procrastinate with arguably the most important thing that I have to do while I'm here??? 

Previously, I believed that learning the language was among the most important of my goals here and I often got put out with myself that I wouldn't sit and memorize a string of structure rules or force myself to read high level newspapers to reinforce those proper structure rules - and of course I wouldn't subject myself to TV to learn, so I must be really lazy about my language learning!  What I've come to realize, however, is that  I can learn the language all I want and if I only use it to translate what my American mouth wants to say to an Indonesian ear, I may not be communicating as well as I would like. In fact, I may not be communicating the way that I want to communicate, at all.

As I've said before, "knowing" the culture and seeing how it plays out are two completely different things.This newest epiphany feeds into the ocean of cultural differences of which I have not only known, but that I experience on a daily basis.

At any rate, I can get by with the limited language skills I possess.  I can express necessities, chat politely with people and understand what other people are saying very well.  However, language is laced with cultural colors and without a clear understanding of how that works and how to appropriately apply vocabulary, at the least I won't be an effective communicator and at the most I could offend someone - and I certainly do NOT want to do that!

The weather here is hot and humid at times, but it has nothing on my fine city of Charlotte, NC. At least it cools off here at night, at least the shade usually provides respite from the heat and at least the buildings are built in such a way that they can ensure fresh air and adequate ventilation.

Sometimes, however, inside certain buildings made to accommodate air conditioning, if the air is low and the windows are closed, most Americans would expressively describe the condition as "stuffy".  It doesn't mean hot - it doesn't mean anything about the weather...it's a feeling that relates to the difficulty to breathe.  Not only is the culture of Indonesia more socially oriented, the language is also more passive and ambiguous, less direct and less expressive... SO...that means that although the word for stuffy is "pengap", you certainly don't SAY it, because that is too direct for goodness sakes (and the word is also laced with negativity); just say that it's "hot". 

...that is a double-edged sword for me because if I say much about the heat, people may assume I'm from the part of America that doesn't understand heat and then they think I don't like hot/spicy food, fried food or eat rice and a host of other issues arise ~so~ I like to be careful (and that is going to mean being quiet sometimes)...

This may not sound like a big deal, but to me it really is - after all, I tell my students all the time, language learning isn't about perfect pronunciation and perfect grammatical structure, but about communicating.

So back to procrastination.  All that time I was a little miffed with myself for not being more disciplined with my language learning. Now I realize that had I memorized all those things, I would just be constructing perfect sentences that might be misleading or highly offensive.  Thank goodness I am not always very disciplined. Thank goodness for procrastination.

Saved again. Thanks be to God.

Experiences, Challenges and Adventures

Experience is the name we give to our past mistakes
Oscar Wilde

Suffice it to say I have much experience; it certainly sounds better to say that than "I've made many mistakes", but the fact is that without my "experience", I could be having many more "experiences", but instead I am having "adventures" (events that would be mistakes if I had no experience).  Merriam-Webster says that "adventure" means one of the following 3 things:

1

a : an undertaking usually involving danger and unknown risksb : the encountering of risks <the spirit of adventure>

2

: an exciting or remarkable experience <an adventure in exotic dining>

3

: an enterprise involving financial risk

For me, adventures involve all four of the aforementioned types.  Confusing?  Yes. Welcome to life here for me.

Faith fortifies me and God holds me in the hollow of His hand, but I am still a lay person serving.  I am just an English teacher who used to be an Urban Planner...who used to be a restaurant worker...who has always worked hard in more positions than those.  I am just a regular person with much experience living life.

Living life in another country is quite different from living life in America.  For instance, the way that I worked there for most of my career and the way I work here is markedly different.  In the US it's about production first, relationships second. Here it seems to be about both at the same time :-)

The cultural differences (that I knew existed before coming here) play out in ways that I never expected, creating near-perpetual blindsiding. I spoke a little about this in this blog...

http://charlotteinmalang.blogspot.com/2011/07/when-youre-lost-is-often-how-to-find.html

The most recent thing that has caught me off-guard is the "saving face" phenomenon.  Here, nobody ever wants to hurt your feelings, so they'll say just about anything to make you happy, whether they mean it, intend on doing it or not...for instance "everything's great - no problem", "I'll call you tomorrow" or "until next time"...knowing fully well that everything's really not great, they're not going to call and there won't be a next time. Anyway.  I thank God for my "experiences" - they keep my from hitting the bottom most of the time.

That's not to say that I don't struggle.  Anybody who knows me well knows that I view my life in a rather black and white manner - the world is decidedly not, but I have a bad habit of making my life that way - it's either "awesome!" or "oh my gosh what in the world is going on here???? This is horrific!!!"

My rational mind knows better, but my immediate responses usually have to be reined in...and the intensity with which I live makes reining myself in a job unto itself. I thank God for the wonderful friends I have made here who make that job a lot easier! He always provides me with the tools I need, in this case it is loving new friends.  

Sometimes I find myself reflecting on the life I left in the States.  It is disingenuous to think that I came here seeking adventure.  Nothing is further from the truth.  I am fully capable of having adventures anywhere I happen to be.  I do feel called to be here - called to serve - and meant to grow.  Of that there is no question.

Weekend before last I went to see Harry Potter - I could hardly contain the tears streaming down my face throughout the movie.  Yes, the movie is a gut-wrencher, but I also felt the loss for what I left behind.  I miss my daughter, I miss my Mother and my family - I miss my loved ones...I used to go to the movies every weekend...I used to go hiking and out to play in the woods at will...I used to have the freedom of mobility that I just don't have here. The life I left behind was free, full of friends and family, a supportive church environment and an understanding of the culture (of course! it was MY culture!)

All of a sudden this verse popped into my head - I had always struggled to fully comprehend the meaning of these verses from Matthew Chapter 10, but I think I know now.  

³⁷ “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. ³⁸ Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. ³⁹ Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.

Emotions have been high for me for the past few weeks.  I can get teared up with very little stimulus.  I just did.  I understand now that losing your life doesn't have to be so literal.

Some of my loved ones at home have said to me "Well, I just can't tell if you're having fun or not".  It's not about having fun.  It is about gaining new perspectives (not sure why yet, but I'm sure there's a reason), it's about gaining new experiences (not quite sure to what end, but I'm sure there's a reason) and having an "adventure" through an unprecedented opportunity to grow.  I have been called to serve.  

I not only serve, but I receive.  In fact, I often feel guilty that I receive more than I give.  I have been surrounded by loving friends, amazing adventures and supportive, nurturing work environments.  The students I serve continue to amaze me with their curiosity, their willingness to "think outside the box" and to prioritize their life goals in harmony with their faiths, whether it's Christianity, Islam or Buddhism; it is a blessing to witness such devotion to God!

So we know that God loves us - each and every one (even people like me, a regular lay-person with much "experience").  Hopefully, we also know that we all have an opportunity to serve and to love as we are all called to do.   Sometimes we think that only certain types of people are called into service - the "perfect people", the ones who never make mistakes, the ones who do everything right...the ones with the proper training and correct "experiences"...

We all have an opportunity to serve.  Additionally, we are all supposed to - in whatever way we can. Wherever we are.

May God guide us all as we try to live and love the way that we are supposed to - and may He continue to scoop us up when we fall/fail.

Let Love Rule, Really

Wow.  Yes, I talk about love a lot...namely 

here http://charlotteinjogja.blogspot.com/2011/05/channeling-love.html, 

here http://charlotteinjogja.blogspot.com/2011/04/birthday-presence.html 

and here http://charlotteinjogja.blogspot.com/2011/02/on-valentines-day.html. 

I am such a sap. I mean really.  "Let Love Rule" - again? That song is one that regularly pops into my thoughts and hopefully influences my actions, as well.

Too often when we think about love, we think about it in romantic terms - maybe about a special someone with whom we'd like to spend our time, often even our lives.  Maybe we think about it in terms of how we love our children and we'd give our very lives for them - it is a powerful, motivational and sacrificial kind of love.  Perhaps when we think about love we think of our friends and how grateful we are that they are there for us, no matter what, and we for them - that's love. One of the special places in my heart is for my animals.  Don't we all love our pets?

Please accept this reflection for your consideration today.

Mother Teresa reputedly said

Intense love does not measure, it just gives

I don't believe that she was referring specifically to any of the aforementioned reflections of love, but to the bigger and harder act of loving. When you really want to "let love rule", you have to first let love rule your heart, mind and actions - and that means towards everybody and everything, not just towards those we deem worthy of adoration.

Thankfully, over the past few years I have referenced these well-known Bible verses as guidelines for living. - I believe that the following attributes refer to how Christians should behave....all the time....to everybody ... and in everything.

Corinthians 12:31 and 13:4-8; 11,13

31 But strive for the greater gifts. And I will show you a still more excellent way.

13  Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant ⁵or rude. 

It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ⁶it does not rejoice

in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth.⁷It bears all things, believes all things, 

hopes all things,endures all things. 8 Love never ends. 

¹¹When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I

reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish 

ways.  ¹³And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and 

the greatest of these is love.

Admittedly, this is most often heard during wedding ceremonies, but I'll have to say considering the state of American marriages, something is awry.  What is awry is that it is not only to our spouses that we are to offer love in this way - it is to everyone, to everything.  We are building the kingdom on earth when we share love.  As Christians, it's our job.

That is not to say that other religions are not fortified in  love, of course they are - it's what God wants all of us to do, but because I am familiar with the Christian directive, I share it here.

A friend explained something to me one day and used the following adage to make it crystal clear.  Imagine that a person asked you for water.  You pull water from a source of pain, anguish, hatred and cynicism.  Even though you willingly, and possibly with love,  gave the water, it was from a polluted source.  Imagine drawing the water from a source of non-judgement, honest and honorable speaking, compassion and humility.  Give that water with love.  Which water do you think will be better, even though both were given with the same intention?

We fool ourselves when we believe that we can selectively share love.  We cannot.

The verses in Corinthians describe how to love, specifically by detailing what is not love.  Those verses are clear.  Originally directed to the population living at Corinth, a busy Greek sea port with many houses of "worship" to Aphrodite, the goddess of love, these verses clarify how love should be shared.

In 1995, I was fortunate enough to travel to Greece and to visit the ruins of ancient Corinth.  We saw the foundations of the bathhouses, the proximity to the water and I could understand the significance of Paul's letter to the people of the church there. I am not in a position to expound upon the theological significance of this Book, but I will add that it reminds me of this awesome quote that I saw often on a sign off Wilkinson Boulevard in Charlotte, NC

Love people and use things

Not the other way around 

When operating from a point of love, the world changes. You HAVE to let things flow through your body...you have to transcend the obstacles of human pettiness and apply the concepts set forth in Corinthians...boyfriend do something weird and you're not sure what to make of it? Trust, hope, persevere. (That sounds like giving someone the benefit of the doubt, to me) What about the woman in the grocery store who forgets to have her produce priced before getting in line and now you have to wait on her? Not irritable or resentful...does not rejoice in wrongdoing. (You mean that we should give people a pass when they obviously do something not too bright?)  How about that neighbor who REALLY gets on your nerves? Love is not envious...or rude...or insists on its own way. (I have to talk with them to find some sort of resolution???) That sounds a lot like putting an end to childish ways...do you see how the directives of those verses can be applied everywhere in your daily life? They can, believe me.

As far as I know, Jesus didn't specify what kind of clothes I'm supposed to wear or specifically how I am supposed to behave, but I know for a fact that He said "to love God with all your heart, mind soul and body and to love your neighbor as yourself".  I would like for you to consider that your neighbor isn't just "your neighbor", but every sentient being in the world. 

None of this means that living in love is easy - if fact, it is by far one of the most challenging undertakings I've ever attempted.  My feelings get hurt, I get angry, and I'm still impatient, but what is more important is that I have the tools to love through those things and I often can.

It is hard and requires much effort...but it's also an adventure. And I love it. Really.

On Motherhood.

Crying. It's one of the things that a mother can understand better than anyone else.  The pain of childbirth is but mere preparation for the trials that lie ahead.  When your child becomes an adult and begins to forge her own path, the question of whether we succeeded or failed in our role as primary nurturer can bear down and reduce the strongest woman into a pool of liquid salt.

By far, my most important accomplishment to date has been giving birth to my daughter. She came along at a time in which I had lost hope, I was lost and and my family was, for all intents and purposes, lost as well.  When I learned in April of 1988 that I was carrying a gift from God, I had a reason to learn to love myself and to take care of myself to nurture the gift within me.  

When I started writing this blog many weeks ago, I was about into that pool of salt referenced above.  Someone had written me a really long email about how I had abandoned my child and left her struggling and how I am not a compassionate person. Why was I still communicating with that person? Because I was trying to be nice (look where it got me - that’s how it goes, right?)  

Motherhood is not for the weak - either spiritually or physically. Being here, halfway around the world I know that sometimes being a Mother means doing the right thing, even when it rips your heart out.

I have spent more than half of my life devoting every single waking second to being a good Mom and raising a strong daughter with self-confidence, poise and grace.  How will she ever know how awesome she is if I continue to hover over her and direct her every move?

I have faith...in myself, in my daughter, and most of all to God who takes care of us and always has.

When You're Lost is Often How to Find the Way

Finding out what you're really made of seems to be much easier when you're completely out of your comfort zone.

A dear, sweet, marvelous, smart, awesome and inspirational friend made a joke on my Facebook page that I always look like I'm on vacation, so, "what kind of job do you have and are there anymore?" Ha ha.

Since I've arrived in Indonesia, my accent has gotten a little thicker (molasses, any one?), my penchant for hot sauce and rice a little stronger (slap some greens on that pile and call it a meal) and my homage to the heat ("oh - hot? no - I don't need the AC, thanks") is a little more Darwin-istic, shall we say.

Sometimes, too, when the rug is pulled out from under you (or maybe you choose to leap off it, as did I) you must learn that what you know is but a facet of the ways things play out in real life.

Before I arrived in Indonesia, I knew that I came from a culture that prioritizes the individual and that I was going to a culture in which the group (or "society") takes priority.  It sounds simple and is easy to understand, so I was prepared. (I'm being facetious) The gaping chasm between "knowing" and "understanding" becomes incredibly evident when the following things happen to you:

1) You excitedly share with a friend that you'll soon be moving into "your own house" (YAY American style!!!) She looks at you with an expression of sheer terror and asks "Alone?!?!" Being alone here seems to be one of the absolute worst things that could ever happen to a person, much less to consider than a person would willingly bring it onto her or himself! (I won't even go into how many people, taxi drivers mostly, are completely befuddled that I came here ALONE!!! Wow!)

2) One of the coolest things that I've learned is that words for "colleague", "classmate" and "co-worker" aren't really used here.  In each instance in which any of those words would apply, the kind word "friend" is used.  One example of how this works is from my yoga classes where we regularly "partner up" for assists ("partner with a friend").  I've yet to be injured and I don't think I've injured anybody.  It's kind of a refreshing change to get out of your head and into a world of social cooperation. 

3) A simple exercise in language learning class on giving advice exposed the very heart of the differences between individualist and social cultures. It would be nearly impossible for a person from an individualist culture to give advice without first knowing a great deal about the recipient...we would custom-create advice specific to that person.  In a culture that prioritizes the group, one answer should suffice for any member and be equally applicable, possibly even assuming that there is such a thing as an answer that is always right...

4) I don't really know how much this plays into the individualistic/social dynamic or not, but I think that I will say it does for these purposes. The state of marriage in my country is abysmal. And I'm not even talking about gay marriage, I'm talking about the fact that at least 50% of American marriages end in divorce.  The upshot of that is, though, that in the US there are plenty of single people my age.  I see them in the park, maybe interact with them in a social setting, maybe even work with them.  I don't feel very alone there - there are plenty of people my age and of similar social standing.  Here marriages rarely end in divorce.  And people marry when they are in their late 20's.  When people marry, it is often said that they marry a family - how that plays out is that women are never stranded at home to raise babies alone, when conflict arises some older family member steps in to mediate, and both members of the marriage have a seemingly endless support network who have a vested interest in maintaining the marriage.  So, sometimes I feel as if I never see anybody my age (in a country in which age is paramount) and it can feel weird.  I didn't realize it until I watched this video the other day

and I found myself lovingly gazing into the lines of his face because I haven't seen any except mine for so long......

I've often written about how grateful I am to be here and that is the truth.  I am excited to learn and to be challenged by these "understandings".

The title of this post is "When You're Lost is Often How to Find the Way" but I must confess.  I've yet to be "lost"....I've "known" everything....except sometimes that I was lost...and now I know, for real, that through the grace of God I am finding my way....and it's a glorious adventure.

Father's Day Reflection

My father passed away a little over 2 years ago.  On Easter. I was the first to know.  

Since that time, I think of him often.  I think of how hard he and I worked together to build a relationship, especially once I became a mother.  I think of how much he loved my daughter and how he tried (and succeeded) to love her and to be there for her in ways that he was not able to be for me when I was younger - 

We had a tumultuous relationship - maybe because we were very similar in hard-headed, creative ways, but also because we really did love each other and wanted for the other the kinds of things we weren't quite able to make happen for ourselves (or at least thought so at the time)

After my father died, I broke down and started practicing yoga (I had previously resisted due to its popularity) those first practices were always dedicated to him...I would be close to tears, breathing and praying....and trying to understand why he had to leave this world.  Whenever I love myself enough to take care of myself, I think of him.  My work schedule got in the way a few months later and I was on yoga-hiatus until February of this year.  When I started practicing again,  I began a prayerful reflection on the importance of loving ourselves enough to take care of ourselves. That's what it's about, after all.

Today I went swimming at a beautiful pool.  I not only swam, but I pushed myself through the water and allowed it to encircle me, embrace me and lift me into an almost trance-like state.  As I floated on my back looking into the sky, I remembered who taught me that trick and I lay in prayerful repose thinking of my father, the man who taught me how to really enjoy a good pool swim.  My swim today was dedicated to his memory, his life and his energy.  There are so many things I wish I could share with him - so many adventures, revelations and experiences!  

It is still hard to live without him, because when he was good, he was awesome.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

A dedication - the only song he ever told me was his favorite :-)

Scotch and Soda by the Kingston Trio

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Nc2GWytR0E

It Wasn't the End of the World as We Knew It - Or Was It?

I grew up playing sports.  Full disclosure:  Maybe the concept of true teamwork was a foreign idea to me at times, especially because I was, for all intents and purposes, more of a loner the rest of the time - but still.  I learned the concept of sportsmanship and realize that its purpose goes beyond the field or court, but should direct us on how to successfully interact with others, even when they play for a different team..  That concept is sorely missing from some Facebook postings on what transpired, or didn't transpire as it were, related to the "End of The World/May 21" prediction set in motion by a fringe Christian association in the US.

Do I believe that we will know when the end of the world will arrive? I do not. HOWEVER. I do not find myself to be in a position of superiority to those who do, either.  Most of what I know of this situation, honestly, is from Facebook posts (as that's the closest I get to the "pulse" of what's happening in the US, aside from the online news I read)

I am disappointed with some pages that attempt to represent the "Christian Left" in an attempt to counterbalance those who often dominate the popular idea of what it means to be an American Christian, the "Christian Right".

There's a lot of "nanny-nanny boo-boo-ism" permeating the pages of the those who strive to represent the Christian Left.  I'm completely down with Freedom of Speech.  As a matter of fact, I keep a portable soapbox in my pocketbook for any occasion that avails itself for me to jump on it and ramble on BUT.  I also agree with Spiderman's Uncle in his apt description of what to do with great power (in this case, I mean the power of Freedom of Speech)

With great power lies great responsibility 

Additionally, If you're not adding anything thoughtful, personal or well-intentioned into the marketplace of ideas, maybe you should just be quiet and get on with living your own life. That's my take on the cultural adage known to many of us "If you don't have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut".  Sometimes un-nice things MUST be said, but they'll drop dead on the floor if not done in a thoughtful, well-intentioned way.

And now I'll put my soapbox back into my purse for the time being.

Anybody can throw rocks - anyone can create meaningless "soundbites" and anyone can jump on the reactionary bandwagon wagon and draw knee-jerk conclusions or even revel in the misguidance of others....but is that who "we" want to be?

I will quickly tell you that I don't want any part of that "we" - none.  Don't we have enough reactionary freakazoids??? And what makes us different if we do the same things?

So, I think it's best to be a good sport - not to revel when a game is won; not to taunt the other team with jeering chants afterwards...it's not about being right or wrong, winning or losing, but focusing on the kind of "we" we want to be and then actually trying to do it.

Channeling Love

Religion is what you do when the sermon is over.

H. Jackson Browne, "Life's Little Instruction Book"

I believe that.  Many of us try to carry our good hearts and desire into the world after being inspired in church.  We all know how long this likely lasts - until something happens that destroys that inspiration or until it just wears off (usually around Sunday evening :-)  


Just kidding, but just as a Sunday morning church service inspires us for an undetermined amount of time, the time spent between Sunday and Sunday has an impact on one's concept of religion, as well...very often affecting the way we hear the message on Sunday mornings and for sure, in the ways we practice what it is we think we hear. In my case, the way that I've spent the time between Sunday and Sunday for most of my life (no joke) was listening to music.  Rock and Roll music. From the very beginning. 


This morning during devotionals (I mean actively listening to my iPod while getting ready for work) I realized that there are quite a few songs of various genres that I have always associated with my faith.  Later on I would realize that some really cool things happen to me as a result of that.  For your consideration (and perhaps listening enjoyment) I will share them with you (and hopefully the links will stay active!


First on the list is, hands down, Love Reign O'er Me (the Who, Quadrophenia) It's the first go-to song when I need to remember that love comes from above...just like rain.  

Only love

Can bring the rain

That makes you yearn to the sky

Only love

Can bring the rain

That falls like tears from on high

I guess Pete Townshend speaks to me or something - because Let My Love Open the Door (Empty Glass) is a constant reminder that Jesus has...

....the only key to your heart
I can stop you falling apart
Try today, you'll find this way
Come on and give me a chance to say
Let my love open the door
It's all I'm living for
Release yourself from misery
Only one thing's gonna set you free
That's my love 

Speaking of Jesus, what an awesome reminder of His love and sacrifice! Yes it's Prince and no I'm not kidding.  I Would Die 4 U

You're just a sinner I am told
Be your fire when you're cold
Make u happy when you're sad
Make u good when u are bad

I'm not a human
I am a dove
I'm your conscious
I am love
All I really need is 2 know that
U believe 
(sorry - you know Prince is on top of his music business and there are no original videos with him singing this song anymore :-( this one is fun, anyway)

In the early '90's I was pretty busy.  I was raising my awesome daughter as a single mother and I was working...hard. In a restaurant.  One day in the bar, a customer and I were discussing the video on the TV.  He was a Catholic and he made the point that this song by Sting isn't about a human love affair, but the most important love in our lives.  If Ever I Lose My Faith in You   It's always been a blessing to me how some things happen right when you need for them to happen.

You could say I lost my sense of direction
You could say all of this and worse but

If I ever lose my faith in you
There'd be nothing left for me to do

This list is hardly complete, in fact it merely scratches the surface of the way that I experience my faith through music, but when this happened today, I knew I needed to share.

Today after a briefly irritating chat with a friend from home who tends towards negativity but is trying (I hope) to cultivate some love in his heart - this song popped into my head...weird because I would have changed the station had it come on the radio, but into my head? Carly Simon was on frequent rotation in the Blackburn household of my childhood.  I think we had all her 8-tracks (yep).  I thought I was tired TO DEATH of her music, but I had to Google the lyrics. Ah. I see. Thank you. 

'you showed me how, how to fill my heart with love 
How to open up and drink in all that white light 
Pouring down from the heaven 
I haven't got time for the pain 
I haven't got room for the pain 
I haven't the need for the pain 
Not since I've known you

A gentle reminder...much appreciated. Maybe you think I take things out of context, or maybe I selectively hear the lyrics that match my beliefs...but that's my point.  I'd rather take a song out of context than....something more significant.  And it seems to work for me...why?  Because in addition to all that love I try to nurture in my heart, something else is already in there...and I believe it acts as a receiver :-) Eric Clapton sang about it in (of course) I've Got a Rock and Roll Heart

I guess there's nothing left for me to explain 
Here's what you're getting and I don't want to change ...I don't want to change!
I get off on '57 Chevys 
I get off on screaming guitar 

Like the way it gets me every time it hits me 
I've got a rock and roll - I've got a rock and roll heart 

What does all this mean? 
 I believe that when God is in your heart, you'll experience Him where you are.

  He is always with me. 

 And He speaks to me through something that is also in my heart. 

 His message is Love.  And I hear Him.

First Newsletter

Hi everybody! :-) I am posting the link for my first "real" newsletter that is published on the Presbyterian Church (USA) website.  Please read if you'd like!

http://gamc.pcusa.org/ministries/missionconnections/blackburn-charlotte-201104/

Birthday "Presence"

Being selected by the Presbyterian Church (USA) to serve as an Mission Co-Worker to Indonesia was quite a blessing.  It was a long process with many procedures, interviews and forms!  As the musician Tom Petty sings, but in a completely different context, the waiting (was) the hardest part.  I found out in April of 2010 that I would live in Indonesia and yet I didn't arrive until late January of 2011.  

Perhaps I've mentioned this before, but I am not a professional theologian. I've hardly even taught Sunday School - I'm an Elder who sang in the choir. I can't "minister" to people.  I most recently became a certified teacher of English to speakers of other languages, but I am well aware that there are others who are more experienced, talented and knowledgeable than I.  On a bad day, I question my presence here - am I effective?  Am I serving these amazing people who are teaching me more than I them?  What was I thinking accepting this position? It's over my head - I'm a planner, for Pete's sakes!  Luckily bad days aren't common to me, but when they strike, the "badness" can be unrelenting.   

And then it happened.  A bad day almost happened.  I received an email from a Global Missions Fellow who is a newly ordained Presbyterian minister currently working in Zambia with her husband, also a newly ordained Presbyterian Minister.  They would like to come here in a few months - they would like to understand my ministry and what I'm doing relative to Interfaith and Education initiatives...YIKES! Of course I would love to see them - I would love to show them the cool things I've seen and experienced here, but ministry? Interfaith and Education what?!? Oh gosh - here it comes - bad day, bad day, bad day.....

BUT.  Not going to think about that now, I thought. Tonight is my birthday party and tomorrow is my birthday.  I'll think about what my ministry is later.

I chose to celebrate my birthday the night before my birthday because my birthday was on a Tuesday this year.  Tuesdays are good days - work, language learning and yoga.  I really wanted to maintain my schedule because I love it.  I finish yoga and get home at almost 9 p.m. and that would be too late for dinner out, so Monday it was.  

For once in my life, I make an effort to respect and maintain my schedule.  The time that I spend in language learning helps me communicate and build relationships with people in my community. The mental and physical aspects of yoga nourish my body and mind.  Additionally, I've been known to have pretty awesome epiphanies during the "savasana" pose at the end of a practice.  Allowing complete rest for the body, it somehow allows for a freeing of mind, as well.  One of the things that's drawn me to the practice of yoga is the philosophy of "being present": be here, be on the mat, get out of your head and into the practice.  I need that - I live in my head a lot.  A friend once told me that I analyze everything.  Yes I do. (and that's why I need yoga; that's why I love it)

So Monday I had yoga and then I enjoyed a delightful evening...with my friends.  And I mean my friends.  And I really mean, my friends (because I didn't expect many people to come).  Maybe 5 if I were lucky.  People are busy - it's hard to get out on a week night. I was concerned that the ones who might come would get bored because nobody else came.  I was worried.  I was in my head...and a bad day was potentially on the horizon.  And then - I had a delightful evening with my friends.

And there were a lot of us...way many more than I expected....

I'm not bragging and maybe this isn't many to you, but we had 15 people.  That is a lot in my book - more over, it was 15 people who I really care about - 15 people who I love and am grateful to have in my life.

Gushing is my forte.  When I am overcome with emotion, I have to tell it. I tell people how wonderful they are  or what a inspiration they are. I can't help it. I'll tell the stranger on the bus how beautiful her bag is, I'll tell the man on the street how cool his bicycle is, I will tell the young mom what a good mom she seems to be.  If it's good, why not say it?  Sharing goodness = gushing.  That's what I do. Sitting at this table surrounded by all these awesome people, my heart gushed.  For love, appreciation, friendship, laughter, learning and growing.  My soul continues to be warm from that incredible experience.

And then then next day - on my birthday - in the pose of "savasana" at the end of a particularly challenging practice, it came to me.  I know my ministry.  

"...to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with |my| God" (Micah 8). 

Christians are supposed to be known for many things, but to me, the most significant is for our love.  Love is one thing I have no problem showing, expressing, sharing and receiving.  My ministry is to reflect love.  And I know I'm the right person for the job. Bad day?  Not today.