Short & Sweet on American Marriage and Happiness

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

The United States Declaration of Independence, July 4, 1776

My dear friend asked me the other day how so many Americans wind up divorced in a country that is predominantly Christian, or at least heavily influenced by Christianity. She specifically asked how the church condones such a thing.  I think there are two things at work here. Yes, certainly the influence of Christianity on American culture (ergo the preponderance of marriages), but also American culture and inherent beliefs, specifically right to the pursuit of happiness.  The following is an account of what I told her, including some reflections that have come to my attention since that time.

Marriage is more than a piece of paper, a societal commitment or an obligation to submit to the desires of the family.

A true marriage should be a commitment to the spouse.  

"Foresaking all others" 

(that doesn't just mean to be faithful - it means taking the needs of your spouse into consideration FIRST)

A partnership. An entity in which both parties have an equal responsibility to the happiness, health, welfare and well-being of the other. Happiness. Yep. I said it. Happiness. How many people, do you think, feel an obligation to their spouse for their HAPPINESS?

Of course, many people believe and know that another person isn't capable of making you happy if you can't be happy yourself, but there are people who can certainly make you miserable...and that's the opposite of happy (and arguably the problem of many American marriages).

As noted above, happiness is such a deeply embedded idea in the American psyche that we not only expect it, but we know that we have to work for it, as well. In the "Land of the free, home of the brave", we believe in happiness. We believe that God granted us an inalienable right to happiness.

...and maybe we believe we have a right to be free from someone who does not contribute to our happiness, takes it away or isn't willing to put forth the effort to create a more pleasant union. (that could pull in the whole American work ethic thing, but Lord knows I don't have time to tackle that one!)

Occasionally, people marry for the wrong reasons;  to grow up, to settle down, to move up in the world.  For some, marriage is seen as the vehicle to finally be able to "own" somebody, to keep them, to make them ours. Some people want to get married so that they can have children and live the "American dream" - house, kids, cars, vacations - woo! Social standing, compatibility, and similar backgrounds often contribute to the decision to marry as much as do being in love and having desire for that person.

In other words, we think of marriage as being this culmination of romance, but in actuality, it is often something else.

The verses from Corinthians that I am so fond of quoting are often heard in American wedding ceremonies...

Corinthians 12:31 and 13:4-8; 11,13

But strive for the greater gifts. And I will show you a still more excellent way.
Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude.
It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice
in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth.It bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things,endures all things.  Love never ends. 

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I
reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish
ways. And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and
the greatest of these is love.

Herein may lie the rub...kindness promotes happiness, hope produces happiness, acting like an adult produces happiness - when one marries, it's time to act like an adult! In other words, take the high road - don't grovel around in pettiness, resentment, rejoicing in wrongdoing...while I say that we should treat everyone in this way, it is especially important to treat your spouse this way.

Perhaps when people aren't treated this way, perhaps when people finally realize they married the wrong person for the wrong reasons, when people finally realize they are miserable, they seek a divorce. I will not go so far as to say that the Christian church in America condones divorce, but if the partners aren't living up to the tenants of marriage, is there really a marriage? (not a document or obligation, but a marriage???)

Maybe not. And maybe then it is better to be free to pursue happiness.

Lest this sounds like some selfish attempt at living some kind of Hedonistic life, let me assure you - there is nothing simple about achieving happiness...it takes work, effort and submission. It is not a selfish act, but one that honors the life given by God - remember the Declaration of Independence (arguably the foundation of American mores), our Creator gave us the right to happiness...if we have it not, then we are not living the life given to us that should be honored. In short, it is about honor, respect, effort, charity and submission. And love.