That being said, there are people who are surprised by certain acts of violence that have recently occurred in the city where I first lived in Indonesia. I'm sorry to say that I was not at all surprised, but very sad all the same.
In the original, unedited version of this post, there were a handful of examples. I think now that such things are unnecessary and detract from the more important message:
Bullying can lead to violence. We must speak out and when we see it happen. It is not OK. When we're quiet, we contribute to a system that not only commits violence, but normalizes it.
Prejudice, stereotyping, lying, and exploiting or objectifying people in the name of culture and tradition will eventually cause problems. Repeated, hate-filled aggression against the human dignity of another - whether secretly and discretely behind the scenes, spoken publicly with lies in practiced tones of condescension and manipulation, or the act of marginalization and shutting-out those who dare to challenge such a system - will not stay hidden forever...
The slightly updated post follows.
“In the United States, bullying is a trend. Here, it is the culture”
(an anonymous friend)
I’ve struggled with uncomfortable feelings regularly ever since my arrival, but I’ve never been able to put my finger on the reason. Is it culture shock? Do I just miss my family, friends, and community in the US?
The feelings, however, seemed to be something else entirely; reminiscent of middle school and responding to the subtle pressure of nuanced attacks from my peers to conform. I was fighting the real or perceived need to revert into a rebellious, young teenager to protect myself from the constant pressures that I originally decided were just a part of “communal culture”. Now, after a bit more time, I think I know why I felt so strangely. What seems at first as concern or common chitty-chat is actually a highly developed and very sneaky form of bullying.
Whether it's “playing mind games” or downright bullying is of no relevance.
Both are forms of emotional abuse and in some cases, emotional abuse leads to physical abuse. When we excuse one, we unwittingly allow the other, at the very least, we create a welcoming environment for outward acts of violence.
Emotionally abusive assaults are wielded with the precision of the most technologically advanced weaponry and the most cutting remark can be delivered with a compassionate, friendly smile. Because it’s not direct, but passive, it’s harder to guard against. The light version of such a thing is sustained pressure through mocking and anonymous messaging via hand phone or various other social media outlets. The full-on version intended to punish as opposed to mere pressuring includes destruction of support networks, embarrassing or belittling statements made in front of friends or co-workers, and a constant effort to tear down or discredit with sarcasm, ridicule and taunts, until the recipient is broken and compliant. Additionally, communication (sharing or not sharing information) is also a tool used to enforce and establish the “proper” status-related positions and social behaviors. Because of the delivery methods and the commonly held definition of a friend (basically anyone who is not a stranger, i.e. you’ve met once before, you work together, etc.), it can sometimes be too late before you realize what’s happening. The idea of “everybody being a friend” was one of the things I liked most about it here when I arrived. I thought friends treated each other with care, empathy, and respect. Friend, however, is just a word.
Within such a communal culture, conformity to the norms of the group, or at least to the norms of the majority opinion, are expected. How can true dialogue ever exist in such an environment? An unfortunate fallout from this is that often the minority voice is not only ignored, but expertly suppressed. It creates conflict to have differing opinions or ideas. Only the norms specified by the majority matter...unfortunately, sometimes these norms fly in the face of what would seem to be the proper ones. Such norms include outright lying (or intentionally twisting the truth), lack of mutuality or accountability in relationships, and the absence of treating others the way you would like to be treated. Being genuine or having integrity often takes a backseat to the will of the majority and/or the established status quo. Additionally, making assumptions, passing judgement and espousing prejudices as truth are also often acceptable and expected. Of course those things happen everywhere, but not tolerated and certainly not cultivated!
I liked a photo on Facebook once. It was of a young girl, maybe 12 or 13 years old, holding a sign beside a vehicle while her presumed father was filling up the tank. The sign said “I told a lie to my father”. A friend commented that he, too, agrees that children shouldn’t lie to their parents, but that public humiliation is a form of violence and with that he cannot abide. It was that interchange that helped me to see what I’ve come to learn. The aforementioned methods of coercion often employ such shaming tactics as public humiliation. Shaming and shame do not value human dignity, but force adherence to socially accepted norms. If those socially accepted norms excuse and justify hurt, oppression, fear, and prejudice, then that's where the trouble begins.
The feelings, however, seemed to be something else entirely; reminiscent of middle school and responding to the subtle pressure of nuanced attacks from my peers to conform. I was fighting the real or perceived need to revert into a rebellious, young teenager to protect myself from the constant pressures that I originally decided were just a part of “communal culture”. Now, after a bit more time, I think I know why I felt so strangely. What seems at first as concern or common chitty-chat is actually a highly developed and very sneaky form of bullying.
Whether it's “playing mind games” or downright bullying is of no relevance.
Both are forms of emotional abuse and in some cases, emotional abuse leads to physical abuse. When we excuse one, we unwittingly allow the other, at the very least, we create a welcoming environment for outward acts of violence.
Emotionally abusive assaults are wielded with the precision of the most technologically advanced weaponry and the most cutting remark can be delivered with a compassionate, friendly smile. Because it’s not direct, but passive, it’s harder to guard against. The light version of such a thing is sustained pressure through mocking and anonymous messaging via hand phone or various other social media outlets. The full-on version intended to punish as opposed to mere pressuring includes destruction of support networks, embarrassing or belittling statements made in front of friends or co-workers, and a constant effort to tear down or discredit with sarcasm, ridicule and taunts, until the recipient is broken and compliant. Additionally, communication (sharing or not sharing information) is also a tool used to enforce and establish the “proper” status-related positions and social behaviors. Because of the delivery methods and the commonly held definition of a friend (basically anyone who is not a stranger, i.e. you’ve met once before, you work together, etc.), it can sometimes be too late before you realize what’s happening. The idea of “everybody being a friend” was one of the things I liked most about it here when I arrived. I thought friends treated each other with care, empathy, and respect. Friend, however, is just a word.
Within such a communal culture, conformity to the norms of the group, or at least to the norms of the majority opinion, are expected. How can true dialogue ever exist in such an environment? An unfortunate fallout from this is that often the minority voice is not only ignored, but expertly suppressed. It creates conflict to have differing opinions or ideas. Only the norms specified by the majority matter...unfortunately, sometimes these norms fly in the face of what would seem to be the proper ones. Such norms include outright lying (or intentionally twisting the truth), lack of mutuality or accountability in relationships, and the absence of treating others the way you would like to be treated. Being genuine or having integrity often takes a backseat to the will of the majority and/or the established status quo. Additionally, making assumptions, passing judgement and espousing prejudices as truth are also often acceptable and expected. Of course those things happen everywhere, but not tolerated and certainly not cultivated!
I liked a photo on Facebook once. It was of a young girl, maybe 12 or 13 years old, holding a sign beside a vehicle while her presumed father was filling up the tank. The sign said “I told a lie to my father”. A friend commented that he, too, agrees that children shouldn’t lie to their parents, but that public humiliation is a form of violence and with that he cannot abide. It was that interchange that helped me to see what I’ve come to learn. The aforementioned methods of coercion often employ such shaming tactics as public humiliation. Shaming and shame do not value human dignity, but force adherence to socially accepted norms. If those socially accepted norms excuse and justify hurt, oppression, fear, and prejudice, then that's where the trouble begins.
“Shame is a reaction to other people's criticism,
an acute personal chagrin at our failure to live up to our obligations and
the expectations others have of us.
In true shame oriented cultures, every person has a place and a duty in the society.
One maintains self-respect, not by choosing what is good rather than what is evil,
but by choosing what is expected of one.”
an acute personal chagrin at our failure to live up to our obligations and
the expectations others have of us.
In true shame oriented cultures, every person has a place and a duty in the society.
One maintains self-respect, not by choosing what is good rather than what is evil,
but by choosing what is expected of one.”
And now I understand that it’s a form of violence, even though I’ve felt it all along.
The point of this commentary is to share that I am now aware, as never before, of a culture of violence that affects many; the voices of dissent within majority groups, students, teachers, workers, children, and spouses, among others.
People are hurting because of systematic bullying cultivated through established social hierarchies.
Reflecting on recent acts of violence in the United States, we must all be aware that there is no culture, religion, ethnicity, or even gender more disposed to acts of violence than any other. Human beings are violent. Violence happens everywhere.
We all have a responsibility to stop it. We must listen to others. We must value all life - live and let live. We must not shut down different opinions and ideas, and we must not accept attempts to maintain systems that are harmful.
We must live with love and intention, and maybe most of all, we must speak out and speak up when people are hurting, because we all are. No shame. No punishment. No prejudice.
Let love rule.
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