Power or Love?

Being in an intercultural context can be quite a challenge. It doesn't have to be, but it can be. It we don’t pay attention, if we’re only looking to accommodate our own comfort, it’s not that big a challenge. If we are truly trying to engage and understand the culture? Participate? Have real friendships and relationships with other people? It’s a challenge.

All my life, I've often thought about how much easier it would be if I would just accept the norms. The problem is, I have a little trouble accepting norms, especially if they hurt people. I seem to have a different set of rules and perhaps they very rarely comply with what is socially acceptable. I like to think my rules are really just one: Do unto others as you would have done unto you. That’s the Golden Rule and some version of it is found in every single religion in the world. This rule seems to be the most perfect rule for human interaction. Free of cultural bias, social norms and traditions, punishment, power and judgment. And it’s always worked for me. Unless I get distracted.

Today I had an epiphany. I've been working on lots of things that I've yet to publicize based on my recent experiences. The basic definition I've followed to describe this kind of culture is this one:

“Shame is a reaction to other people's criticism, an acute personal chagrin at our failure to live up to our obligations and the expectations others have of us. In true shame oriented cultures, every person has a place and a duty in the society. One maintains self-respect, not by choosing what is good rather than what is evil, but by choosing what is expected of one.”

The conundrum for me has been that in the US, we focus on the "good" or "evil" behavior of others and what they “are” rarely matters. For example, “He’s a personal injury attorney BUT HE’S NICE”. Here, it seems that what you “are” is what is most important and you must choose the behaviors expected of you. “He’s a PERSONAL INJURY ATTORNEY but he’s nice”. What I realized today is that both ways are wrong.  Both are ways to determine the value of another human being. (Needless to say I believed that actions should be everything – anything as superficial as position or social status is obviously useless, but don’t we all know that actions can be acts, like being nice?)

A person’s actions and a person’s status are important. Both cultures place values on those things, but when one trumps the other, that’s when there’s an issue. For instance, what is NICE?

Even though I come from The South (a known shame culture, as well, but includes an action-based concept of “honor”) and I think I know NICE, it’s different in different places. The short end of the story is that we have to be able to experience more of a person. We actually have to build relationship. And that’s the hard part. Who has time for that? Isn't it easier to follow the established criteria?

There’s an awesome sermon by the Rev. Mike Kinman I used in some of my English classes called  "Eye Contact".  I hope you’ll take a few minutes to read it. It’s worth it. The message is that we are taught early on not to enter into true relationship with other people, especially if they appear to be different or are “the other” (whoever that may be for you).  Another reading I regularly used is this one, by Sebastian Junger (also wrote “A Perfect Storm”) called "Welcome Stranger". Both these pieces deal with how we interact with other people. And both depict beautifully what it means to build relationship, true relationship, one based not on social norms and values, but on the value of a human being. A human being. That’s all. And the world is full of us.

Now, back to my story. I was having so much trouble because I got distracted and started applying the “action” based value system rather than the “eye contact” or “welcome stranger” influences that are more in line with the “Do Unto Others” method. I can argue that I was at the receiving end of the status based value system and my cultural mechanism jumped in, but that’s a long, yucky story. This story is beautiful!

Sometimes, our cultural ways have nothing to do with love, kindness, status, or actions, but POWER. Plain and simple. Power to keep another person in their place. Power to prevent full participation in the marketplace of ideas. We often use the unearned power of privilege due to race, religion, gender, etc. to promote the results we want (or to justify a behavior or status  that we want) We can hide behind all kinds of cultural things and say that what we've done is justified. For instance, I’m from the US and we value honesty so I can say “Your outfit is really atrocious and I can’t believe you wore that to work” and then say ‘oh, I’m from the US and we’re just honest.” In this context in which being ambiguous and intentionally misleading is an art form, (certainly not malicious, but considerate and conversational, as well) ignorance can be claimed and excused, or intentional lies can be given to “save face”. The thing is, when culture is employed to excuse a harmful action, often the action was not meant to uplift, affirm, empower or encourage. Both examples are of pure meanness, likely power related, and using culture to excuse it.

Enter “Do Unto Others”. When we treat others the way we’d like to be treated, the cultural things take a back seat. Maybe it’s being kind. Maybe it’s just being honest. Or maybe not. But the kicker is that we’re basing our behavior on something other than power; on love. Love of self, maybe, but love. And love never fails.

And that’s how to build relationship. 

Food! Glorious Food! (Part 2)

I eat out a lot here. I've found good places and you'd be surprised how much a delicious meal costs. For 2 people, it's easy to have a wonderful meal for less than $5 and for 3 people? Less than $10! Of course, expensive food is available too, but I've discovered that it's never better food, just more expensive. As a former restaurant person, I like good food with a good price in a pretty place. And I've found a few such places here. 

 This delicious meal for 3 was about 8$. The dish to rear left is bubur ayam; diced chicken on rice porridge with  a julienned scrambled egg, peanuts and a thin, seasoned broth. To the right is nasi goreng; fried rice. The dish closest is basically a salad with tofu and peanut sauce and the fried stuff in the middle is tempe. The lovely pink juice? Guava. Yum!

Here's an example of me being hungry and forgetting to take the picture before  we destroyed the presentation! This is/was a whole chicken (the head was also attached at first, but since I had asked for it not to be there, they realized they left it, whisked it away and took it off for me) in Balinese spices and sauce, served with peanuts, a shallot relish, sauteed greens with hot sauce (with shrimp flavor; I don't eat that) and rice. The beverage in the bowls is called es buah - iced fruit and has diced fruit, sweetened condensed milk (or maybe coconut cream) flavored syrup, ice and water.

I'm a little embarrassed about this one...horror of all horrors, this is a chain restaurant!  But the food is consistently delicious and I need to feed myself. Here we have rice, fried chicken breast and wing, whole fish, 2 kinds of Javanese salad, fried tempe and 2 hot sauces. This meal? About 4 dollars (with 2 drinks, one is fresh guava juice)

This meal would be considered rather fancy; but still not too expensive...I'd say less than $10. Shown above is a sweet and sour fish dish  (fish called Gurameh, whole, partially filleted with the fried pieces on top), a Javanese salad, eggplant,  typical garnish of cucumber, mint and cabbage, soup, hot sauce, avocado juice and of course, rice.

My meal of fried noodles was only just ok (I should have had the chicken) but the place is awesome and I think the chef is professionally trained. It's the first time I've had an average meal there, so they're still on the list for sure. They do a great job - service, presentation, beverages and price. I had fried noodles with rice on the side (because if I only eat noodles I'm starving an hour later). The chicken dishes are braised leg portions in a cashew sauce. The beverage to the rear if a hot ginger drink and that awesome chocolate beverage to the left was unsweetened chocolate love....maybe with some coffee, not sure but very good! This meal? Less than $10 - TOTAL.

Because I live here and I think in monetary terms, I don't usually think of things in terms of American dollars but rather "oh - this is 50,000 rupiah (Indonesian currency, about $5)...that'll buy 2 bottles of beer, or 2+ trips to the laundry, a long taxi ride, 4 or 5 hair cuts, trash service for a month, a book or magazine (maybe),  breakfast out for 10 days, etc". I think in terms of what the money will buy, not how much it is in American currency, however, since I'm thinking that most of the people who'll read my food posts are American, I thought it would be nice to include prices...because I want to put it in perspective now.

A teacher here might make around $10 an hour, may also make $5 an hour...
A restaurant worker may may between $50 and $70 a MONTH (no tipping here - straight salary)
A house helper might make $100 a month
An office manager can make $100 a month, but because it's business, that amount is wildly variable.
A barista can make about $3 for 9 hours of work.

I don't know much about salaries in general, but I know the ones above, give or take a bit...so even if these meals are "cheap" based on American currency, they are not all "cheap" based on Indonesian currency. It's important to me to try and spread the love when I spend money, even if it's not much, and support small, local businesses...just like I do in the US. And it's especially important to eat delicious food; that's the only thing I'm high maintenance about...I think :-)

How Am I Doing?

I've listened to music my entire life. As I've posted before,  it guides me and even when I have no idea what's happening, strong messages come through and I know that it's more than a coincidence. Today music has freely flowed all day; from Yes to AC/DC, and icing the day's cake with Bob Marley. This morning as I prepared an American breakfast in an Indonesian kitchen with Indonesian cookware (have you ever tried to cook bacon in a wok? You don't need to try, if you haven't yet.) Yes was the selected background music.

It's been forever since I've heard this song, but as soon as it came on, I was transported to a time of youth, idealism and pure optimism.

The lyrics are repetitive, almost like a Taize piece, but in essence, they are:

In the morning when you rise, 

Do you open up your eyes, see what I see? 

Do you see the same things ev'ry day? 

Do you think of a way to start the day 

Getting things in proportion? 

Spread the news and help the world go 'round. 

Have you heard of a time that will help us get it together again? 

Have you heard of the word that will stop us going wrong? 

Well, the time is near and the word you'll hear 

When you get things in perspective. 

Spread the news and help the word go round. 

There's a time and the time is now and it's right for me, 

It's right for me, and the time is now. 

There's a word and the word is love and it's right for me, 

It's right for me, and the word is love. 

So that song is in my head all day, even as AC/DC blasts out Shook Me All Night Long and I sing along; I'm filled with peace and happiness...

This evening, the sun is shining, the weather is sweet...wafts from the speakers. "Ooooh! I love that song!" ("turn it up dude!" remember that commercial?)

The message? 

Sun is shining, the weather is sweet

Make you want to move your dancing feet

To the rescue, here i am

Want you to know, y'all, where i stand

(monday morning) here i am

Want you to know just if you can

(tuesday evening) where i stand

(wenesday morning)

Tell myself a new day is rising

(thursday evening) get on the rise

A new day is dawning

(friday morning) here i am

(saturday evening) want you to know just

Want you to know just where i stand

When the morning gathers the rainbow

Want you to know i'm a rainbow too

So, to the rescue here i am

Want you to know just if you can

Where i stand, know, know, know, know, know

We'll lift our heads and give jah praises

We'll lift our heads and give jah praises, yeah

A new day is rising. The time is now. The word is love. We'll lift our heads and give God praises. 

Many changes have happened recently in my life. So far, few people have asked me how I'm doing or what's going on, but I know exactly what I'll say if and when they do. 

A new day is rising. The time is now and the word is love. I'll lift my head and give God praises. I'm a rainbow, too.

Finally! FOOD!

A few people have asked me to post about food. Finally, after a long time coming, here it is. Please feel free to comment or ask me questions.

My first breakfast; instant oatmeal, 3 kinds of fruit, and coffee
 (those things floating in it are the grounds. That's the way it's made)

Far from my first self-prepared breakfast, the food here is fun, in abundance and CHEAP! Some of the big differences include the way it is prepared (some foods are cooked in big batches and held for long periods of time - the only hot thing on your plate may be rice...I don't eat that very often, but when I do, I have no problems, i.e sickness or anything.) Also, because this is a Muslim-dominant country, beer and alcoholic drinks aren't served in as many places, but as a result, the drinks are special and delicious - full of things to chew on (ice, jelly, fruit, fermented cassava, coconut, kidney beans, and more)

Before I moved here, I was mostly a vegetarian - flexitarian, if you will, but here I need to eat more meat because pinto beans and black beans are not to be found as we eat them.Tempe and tofu abound, but there's only so much of that I can eat. It's usually fried or marinated in a sweet sauce so eating a bunch, enough to feel as if I have enough protein, is sometimes a challenge. Chicken and fish have been staples in my diet, as well. The fish is served whole, as you'll see, and can be friend or grilled. Both ways are delicious.

Fried chicken is everywhere, sweet tea is the way to drink it  (or sugar with tea, similar to Southern style), hot sauces, both like Texas Pete and salsa, come served with every meal and of course, rice is the staple. If all day long you eat, but have not had rice, you've really not eaten. Rice makes a meal.

Enjoy the following pictures. I'll do a part two with more pictures when I get the photos off my phone and find the others...like fish soup with a whole fish in it

Firstly with drinks.

This delicious drink, es kacang merah 

(iced red beans), has a coffee/chocolate tasting

 base and includes kidney beans, 

grass jelly cubes, and ice. It's delice!

This is very common, es kelapa mudah (iced young coconut)
It's cocunut water with a little sugar or sweet syrup - this one had
 gula jawa (Javanese sugar) which is brown and tastes almost like molasses even though
the texture is granular and compact (sold in half-circle shaped disks usually) at first

This is one of my favorites. It's easy to find in the evening through street vendors. This one was served at a retreat. It's called Wedang Ronde (wedang is a traditional ginger beverage and ronde means ball - the thing in the spoon is of  rice flour with something like peanut butter or peanuts inside). The other floaties are jelly chewies (I think) and peanuts

Coffee's famous...
I don't know why we had to have so much this day, one is usually enough (I guess we were trying different kinds) Coffee is made by spooning the grounds into a cup, adding some sugar and then  adding boiling water. I love coffee with ginger (kopi jahe). That's what's floating in the small cups. It's Javanese ginger; not the big kind with which we're familiar for cooking...they have that here, too, but it's associated with Chinese cuisine, not Javanese coffee. The snacks we tried were fried tofu and a chicken mixture -maybe fish - steamed with rice inside a banana or palm leaf (there is a difference) :-) I think we had already eaten up all the tempe! 

One morning my coffee grounds reminded me of why I'm here...

One of the things that I really wanted to learn to eat here is fish. I know it's good for me, so I wanted to learn to eat it. I can and do, but I still can't clean the bones like the young girl I saw once whose bones looked like the common cartoon version when she finished. 

This place was one of my favorites...VERY simple, as you can see, but the food is fresh (they catch the fish and cook it right then). 

One of the many fish pools at "Morokangan" ( I think that means craving, basically)

The view of the rice fields behind the "lesehan" (floor dining - you sit on the ground or elevated floor and eat at a low table...or in this case, on the floor)

Before...

...after (not the same meal, but the idea's the same) usually all the green veggies are gone, too...maybe we weren't all the way finished, but close.

This meal was fantastic - the fish had been sliced before grilling, the vegetable to the left is fried eggplant, the selection of sauces and relishes included hot, sweet and peanut. The drink is like limeade. The green vegetable is called kankung and it's available just about everywhere. It's like mustard greens and collards, mixed, but is long and stalky. It was prepared with chicken, this time. Often it has a shrimp-based spice in it that I'm not too fond of, so believe me, I know how to ask for items without it. 

Not too long after I arrived here, some of the people with whom I worked suggested we have a party at the guesthouse where I lived. People would bring fruits and snacks to spend time visiting and eating. I visited a traditional market to buy the ingredients for the peanut sauce (over-browned them a little, the sauce shouldn't be this dark) The fruit with the sauce is called "lotis" and the party that happens when one serves this is called a "lotisan"

Making the peanut sauce with the flat mortar and pestle ("cobek" and "ulekan"). The slice of cucumber is the way to scrape it out when finished. I learned that from a dear woman on the street - I've posted her picture already on Facebook and she'll be in part 2 of this blog)

Some of the fruits and veggies ti dip in the peanut sauce - there's a really good crunchy thing that is kind of like a turnip but not tangy (that's the white stuff under the cucumbers and pineapple) The orange fruit is papaya (which is very delicious here - not as pungent as I've had before)

Traditional market...

Buying the spices for the peanut sauce - this nice lady is holding  tamarind paste...

I'm saving my favorite food for last, so in the interim, I'll share some random images. The first is the birthday lunch I enjoyed this year and is pork (! not commonly found here, but I've found some good places...the only thing is that at my favorite place I'm always too happy and hungry to remember to take pictures...I'll do better for part 2)

3 kinds of pork - the one on the top right is just like pork roast, the one in the center and
the one on the left have different sauces. The one on the left is minced, the one in the center is stewed. The green  is the kakung I mentioned earlier and of course, rice. The drinks are es jeruk (iced orange juice...made like lemonade but with orange juice...in other words, juice, sugar and water) The iced beverage in the center had kidney beans, ice and chocolate syrup. 

Fried chicken meal...tempe to the right, es jeruk again and es tape (fermented cassava with flavored syrup, ice, and grass jelly...I think that's it) The plate at the bottom of the picture is mine. It has the typical vegetables usually found with a meal ("lalapan"); cucumber, cabbage and mint leaves. I also have fried eggplant, a piece of fried tofu and some green "sambel" (kind of like salsa, but chilies instead of tomatoes)

This is the view behind a restaurant in my neighborhood. They serve pork. And these tables are low and you sit on the floor. I love this way to eat the most. Especially when the view is pleasant, the air is fresh and the food is good.

This is durian. King of fruits. This is one segment -sorry no picture of what the actual fruit looks like. This fruit is renowned for its pungent, onion-y flavor and the fact that many hotels and taxis won't let you bring it with you because the odor is strong. I like it. It kind of tastes like a caramelized onion custard...sweet, but definitely with an onion flavor. It is different, but I think the over the top reaction to it is a bit, well, over the top. Maybe I wouldn't want to smell it ALL the time though...hhhmmmm. 

This is a meal from a popular vegetarian restaurant. I had a tempe cake, salad, and tea with cloves, cinnamon and sugar. My friend and I shared mushroom sate (skewers-shishkabob - Indonesia is FAMOUS for sate) and fried sweet potato with guacamole. My friend had fried rice. I think she was drinking a veggie beverage with pureed greens and whatnot.

Pancakes and waffles with ice cream, chocolate sauce (or condensed milk) and shredded cheese are popular. I haven't found many sweets that I can't live with out and let me share with you: I am THANKFUL for that!

I just took this picture of a small restaurant where I've never eaten because they have The Police and The Beatles on the wall...I think Led Zeppelin, too...the photo is good because it shows "lesehan" dining on the left and regular table dining on the right. If you were to eat on the left, you'd leave your shows on the stair. 

And now for my favorite. This dish is popular and hails from East Java. It is called "Pecel" and contains blanched vegetables (the "real" kind also includes squash blossoms, or something like that)  with peanut sauce, rice and a peanut-crunchy-cracker. It is often served with tempe, sometimes with a piece of chicken, egg, tofu...I feel full afterwards; as if I got enough nutrition to keep all this body of mine moving. It makes me happy. I only have 2 pictures because kind of like the pork I love, I'm usually hungry and forget to take pictures! 

Delicious pecel from a street vendor. There's an egg in the foreground. The drinks are also my favorite, guava juice. 

This delicious pecel lunch was served in a lovely place in a close by city. The plates have the vegetables with peanut sauce, egg, chicken, tofu and cracker. The green vegetable in the middle is eggplant with "sambel hijo" (the green salsa like food - hijo, ijo, hijau=green) Oh and the beer? Bintang ("star") Nice lunch and lovely place.

lovely place...

lovely place...

Enjoli

When I wasn't outside playing, riding my bike, or teaching my stuffed animals how to read, I was watching TV. In addition to Sanford and Son, Dallas and Sesame Street, the spirit of the "new woman" who had come a long way, baby, was reflected in Charlie's Angels, The Secrets of Isis, Wonder Woman, Cher and the Bionic Woman, just to name a few. 12 years old, full of everything and oh how I remember this commercial. In addition to the aforementioned female television role models, it iced the cake on what it meant to be female. (so, there you have it, parents - pay attention to what your kids watch! ha ha)

There's much discussion currently about this view of women "having it all"; career, marriage, children, life, etc. But from my perspective, we've always had it all - all the work, that is, so why not take that ball and run with it?

Consistent with my nature, I'll be inconsistent. I've been called a feminazi, a Southern woman or belle (depending on what I said or did), an idealist and Polly Anna. But I don't like labels. What I say comes from my experience. And I've had a lot. I am many things, but mostly I am human. But I do have some ideas on what it means to be a woman and I'm not ashamed to say it, either. My ideas come from my culture, my experience, books, my family, my many years as a mother (in many capacities; poor, not-poor, single, married, divorced, far away) and as noted above, from TV.

What does is mean to be a good woman? Here's what I think.

1. LOVE 
1. Love yourself. If you can't or won't take care of yourself, respect yourself or treat yourself with kindness, you can hardly expect anybody else to. The way we treat ourselves is the way we let others know we want to be treated. I know we all struggle with this. I always have, in one way or another, but when I learned to be as kind to myself as I was to others, my world changed.
2. Love your sisters. Do we really need to hate on each other about what kind of clothes, or lack of clothes, we're wearing? Should we waste time deciding who goes into what group; Madonna (good girl) or the Whore (bad girl)? Patriarchal systems do that enough - is that something we need to support, as well? Be careful with how we treat each other. That does NOT mean to accept or overlook the behavior of a sister if she is being hateful, hurtful or abusive to herself, her family, her children or others - I'm talking about comments and beliefs based on the way another woman dresses or conducts herself. She is human with a personality. That's all. If we approach a sister with hate, more times than not, it will be reciprocated. Why bother? Be kind.
3. Love your family. Be respectful. Be available. Be kind. Do what you can when you can. If somebody in your family isn't being kind to you or respecting you, remember number 1. You have to take care of yourself. Nobody deserves to be hurt. Ever. 
4. Love your children. Our children didn't ask to be born. If we don't want them, we don't have to have them, there are options, so if you have them, give them the best that you can. Always. They are the future and they deserve every bit of effort, compassion, love and understanding that we can provide. As a mother, it's not only our responsibility, but it's our gift. We were made to have children for a reason. Motherhood is not for the weak. Never take that most precious gift for granted.
5. Love your friends. Be the kind of friend that you want to have. 
6. Love your community. Be involved. Be friendly. Spend your money where it matters; where it supports people who work hard to give your community an identity and something special. Participate. Share. Pay attention.
7. Love your neighbor. There's plenty of hatefulness going around and it's easy to get sucked into it. Take the high road - don't judge others by the way they maintain their yards, the kind of car they drive, or the way they look. Someone once said that you never know what happens behind closed doors and you don't. You may think you do, but you don't. Somebody's in a bad mood? You don't know what they've just endured...be kind.
2. BE STRONG
1. Numbers 1-6 above are not easy sometimes. We have to be strong. Physically, mentally and spiritually. 
3. SPEAK UP
1. When we see someone being hurt, when we see something that has a negative affect on our children, families, or communities, speak up. Not with vicious, reactionary hate, but with concern and love. Participate. Engage. Empower. 
2. I've decided that the victim mentality that occasionally rears its head is life support for systems of patriarchy. A weak woman needs protection, needs controlling to save her from herself and the dangerous world, and most importantly, by only seeing ourselves as victims, we give away our power as autonomous agents.  We may be treated as a second-class human beings, but we're not; we're roughly 50% of the population. In believing that we are the only ones who can be harmed by domestic violence/abuse, we are acquiescing to the belief that women are not capable of being abusive because we have no power. That is not correct. Physical abuse is obvious to see, but studies indicate that emotional abuse is as damaging or more so than physical abuse. When your power is in the mind more than in the body, just imagine the kind of damage an abusive woman can wield. That hurts other women, men, and children and does not comply with numbers 2-6 above. Let's stop the hurt, shall we?

In short, women are human beings. We deserve the opportunity to be good, bad, ugly...everything and anything human. However, we do have a responsibility to make sure that all women have the opportunity to be human. And for that, we have to be full of love, strong and speak up! 

We can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never let our chosen one know he's the man (or woman, if that's applicable) But the point is, we're human and what we do, how we do it and to whom we choose to do it is our choice. So love yourselves, sisters, and let's love each other...our brothers, too.

We're all human beings worthy of dignity, respect and no labels. 

Back on the Soapbox

I've been reading a lot lately; lots of time on my hands. Mostly I've been trying to figure out where I should go from here and what I should do with myself. The past 5 years have certainly been different from any in my life and it seems that the experiences I've had during that time, while seemingly a far cry from those earlier in my life, have specifically prepared me for the present time; how to let go (of anger, resentment, toxic situations), how to be flexible (bending not breaking), how to not take things personally (what people say and do is a reflection of where and who they are more than an indicator of who I am) and how to prioritize MY priorities and beliefs to create a life, not just a living (what is important to me and what makes me sleep peacefully at night, for one. No worrying! Do my best and do all I can do. That's all that's ever possible.).

Present considerations involve figuring out how to honor the attributes and experiences that make me "me" and create that life. I see a pattern and I want to connect the dots.

During my formative years, many trials and tribulations happened because I was intentionally determined to rock the boat and openly question (or slam) the status quo. Now, doing those two things is such a part of who I am that I unwittingly do it naturally; even when I think I'm being quiet and not causing trouble...and the results are the same (it offends people and I'm on my own, more or less) In my defense, I have to say that I'm no longer hostile or angry, but I still just can't keep my mouth shut about things that smack of systematic injustice, specifically as related to status, power and privilege. The lesson here is that I can speak out and get in trouble or be quiet and get in trouble, but I'm going to be in trouble anyway, so which way is more productive to actually fight the system of injustice? As I've said before and I just read recently, some of us are just better equipped for rocking the boat and maybe that's the reason we are the way that we are. In short, I don't think I'll be quiet anymore, but I want to make a difference. A positive one. Inspire, encourage and equip.

As a part of working to make my dreams a reality, I read an article that I thought would be helpful. It recommends reviewing our pasts for repeating patterns or themes and then "connecting the dots" to find our purpose/passion. The embedded video of a commencement speech at Stanford University by Steve Jobs is especially poignant, but I can't help but think yes yes yes I have lots of related dots, but I've not saved the world yet (more specifically, I can't see that when I did stick my neck out anything positive happened, no systemic change in the structures), so what am I doing wrong?

Some of us were flat out rebels as young people. Right and wrong is an oversimplification; we saw systematic injustice including, but not limited to, privilege associated  with race, gender, socio-economic status, nationality - misuse of power, authority, social/religious institutions, etc. And so we REBELLED! Rebelled hard, I might add, often to our own detriment because we often did things with the specific intent to offend those in power.

My awareness began very early. I don't know why, but I remember. As early as 1st grade, I learned that the lies and judgments that had been already been pumped into my head were WRONG. Poor people weren't stupid. Black people didn't stink. And all teachers weren't control freak Nazis. How can someone so young already be aware of such things? That I don't know, but I know that I continued to see assumptions, prejudices and misinformation controlling daily social life, and I did not (and do not) like it.

To further expound upon the preceding paragraph is better suited for a dissertation, but suffice it to say that the construction of a white or group identity, social conformity, shame culture, familial relations, genetic disposition, home environment and culture all play a role in how we view the world. The point I'm making is that we all, of every race, gender, nationality, ethnicity, are subjected to programming from the second we arrive in the world to incorporate a set of beliefs, assumptions and rules of behavior/engagement. Thank goodness for me, the information given one parent was always tempered with that from the other and I thank God for my creative, wild, educated and unique parents! Without them, I would not be me. And I like me (most of the time).

Now. I don't know what my purpose in life is right this second, but I do know some things and maybe that's a good place to start.

The first thing I know is that God made me, He knows every hair on my head and He orders my steps. It is through my faith and my commitment to follow the commands to "...love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind. And you must love your neighbor as yourself." that my life revolves. As I am human, I can only do my best and try.

Secondly, I know that very often traditional beliefs and what often passes for common sense are used to oppress,  keep people in a place that's comfortable for others and not based on reason. That is the essence of our humanity. Humans are like that. Jealousy, ego, power, status - all those things can be justified with just one simple phrase "That's just the way it is". Well, that may be the way that it is, but it shouldn't be and we should know better - especially those of us who are committed to living a different kind of life, specifically one based on the concept of love. Once upon a time, the way that it was included men having multiple wives (and slaves and concubines), women as property in a marriage, landless white men were not allowed to vote, people of color were not allowed to vote or to live in integrated neighborhoods, and the government didn't oversee the distribution of food and chemicals for safety purposes. There have been many changes in human history, but we're not finished and it often appears as if we're moving backwards!

Why does it seem like we're moving backwards? Because the people in power are pissed.

Thirdly,  I know that society is changing rapidly. Thankfully, the privilege associated with whiteness is diminishing,  women are free to live without a man - have children even! Families can include two daddies or two mommies...or maybe even just one. Arguably, food and water is usually safer thanks to government regulations (I know about Monsanto and strip mining, etc., but I'm talking in general) The workplace is changing, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. And people are free to choose another job, move to another city, State or even country. Some societies have too many divorces resulting in social instability, as well as sometimes poverty, and some have too few, trapping men, women and children in abusive situations. Income inequality in the US is growing. Graduating from college doesn't guarantee a good job. Women still earn less than men. Education is still a dream for many around the world. People are mostly free, especially in democratic societies, but many are wasting their lives, opportunities, relationships and futures living in fear, spouting hatred, and constantly angry, often with "those" people who they don't even know!

And finally, I know that I am a product of the Protestant work ethic. I am not down with laziness, physically or mentally, and our work should reflect a priority to the people we serve, not to the people in power. A manager should manage and empower their staff. A teacher should inspire and equip the students. A government worker should consider the general welfare. If every step we take is tempered by fear - of being fired, of being demoted, of being excluded from processes - can we really do our work? Can we serve? No. We cannot.

I don't know about you, but I don't like being given a directive that makes no sense (expensive, time consuming or just not efficient), other than to cater to the demands of a "higher up" or elected official. That's not a good business model.

I don't like working in a place that plasters its mission/vision all over the place but has absolutely no internal commitment to upholding those values, especially when not upholding them harms the very ones they should be committed to serve.

I do not want to be used as a token, a pawn or an example. I want a job to do and I want to do it. No BS.

Many people are beginning to realize that structures in place (in education, finance, religion, workplace bureaucracies) aren't looking out for the worker or those they serve, but promoting the needs of those in power. And doing all that is possible to keep things "they way they are". What was once only obvious to a handful of us is becoming common knowledge.

In closing, I want to not only be accountable, but I want any entities with which or whom I deal to be accountable, as well.

I have done, am doing, and will do things with which people do not agree, whether personally or professionally, but I will never lie, hide, or sneak around like a roach in a wall. Anything that can't be done in the light of day should be questioned. It's that simple. That's transparency. That's integrity. That's what I'm talking about. It's not what you do or don't do, but are you going to own up to it when the time comes? If not, don't do it. And that is my rule.

The next time a red flag comes up and I know better, instead of ignoring it, I'm going to honor that feeling and get out of Dodge. Maybe that's one reason my dots haven't connected any better.

Maybe I've been wasting my time in the wrong places.

Not any more.