Judgment, Justification and Jive

I just learned a new term this week: Altruistic Punishment. I unintentionally discovered it when I read a book review for "Trial by Fury" related to the Amanda Knox case.

Experiments show that when some people punish others, the reward part of their brain lights up like a Christmas tree. It turns out we humans avidly engage in something anthropologists call “altruistic punishment.”

It roughly states that we, as human beings, seek to punish people who did not directly hurt us, but who have gone against socially accepted norms, or are perceived to have just done something WRONG.  Altruistic punishment refers to the desire to punish those deemed deserving of such and the motivation for the punishment is that these people have committed a crime against the social norms of the community, therefore the desire to punish them is justified.

As I looked for more information, I realized that there is a wealth of information related to altruistic punishment and the most telling for me and for the purpose of this post is this quote from an article in the Science section of the New York Times:

"...in the Jan. 10 issue of the journal Nature, Dr. Ernst Fehr of the University of Zurich and Dr. Simon Gachter of the University of St. Gallen in Switzerland offer evidence that people will seek to punish a cheat even when the punishment is costly to them and offers no material benefit -- the very definition of altruism. The researchers propose that the threat of such punishment may have been crucial to the evolution of human civilization and all its concomitant achievements."

To think of punishment as the flip side of compassion is quite new to me. 

Of course, punishing people for their “wrongness”, if you will, is the purpose of law, but it this case, I'm talking about social punishment which has, it seems to me, at least 3 components; seeking to punish based on a judgment (based on a sense of right and wrong, good or bad), then a justification for that judgment, and finally, the jive of making all of that fit together as if we’re doing the right thing by actively seeking to punish someone.

We, as Christian people, are told in no uncertain terms and in a very direct way, that it is not our job to judge others (there are many other verses, as well, but these popped into my head first)

Luke 6:37

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; 

condemn not, and you will not be condemned;

 forgive, and you will be forgiven"

Matthew 7:5 

You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye,

and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from

your brother's eye. 

We quickly can ignore this, however, when we feel that someone has acted against one, or more, of the Ten Commandments. Commonly experienced, however, is that the chosen Commandment is usually one that reinforces social norms rather than reflecting the bigger picture of the Biblical story of love.

For instance, alongside with “Thou Shalt Not Murder” is “Thou Shalt Not Lie”. Other than Bill Clinton, how many people are dragged over the coals for an untruth or white lie? What about “Honor Thy Father and Mother”. If your parents wanted you to be a doctor and you’re a retail sales clerk, have you dishonored them? Should you be punished for that?

The point I’m trying to make is that we selectively choose rights and wrongs based on our cultural leanings, often ignoring one to choose another that is more in line with our accepted “social norms”. In doing so, we can justify these judgments indefinitely by creating a kind of hierarchy of “better than/worse than” scenarios. For instance, to kill someone is worse than lying to someone, or lying to someone to exploit resources from them is worse than killing a convicted rapist. Stealing seems to have a bit of leeway, for instance Jean Valjean in Les Miserables had to steal to feed his family, but should we kill him for it? Isn’t there a bit of “give” when we think an act is justified?

I’m beginning to believe that this is why we are instructed NOT to judge others; the criteria is not consistent, the justifications are malleable and the jive is, well, jive.

Not one of us is free from the desire to mete out punitive vengeance on another person, especially one we deem to have done WRONG.

Not one of us is immune to the desire to punish others for their real or perceived wrongdoings; even the most gentle soul may happily applaud a lengthy prison sentence given to an animal abuser. 

I've been mulling over this issue for quite some time and there are no quick and easy answers. Many people who know me well know that I have a very tight list of “rights” and “wrongs”. It is wrong to hit children, abuse another person (verbally, emotionally or physically) ESPECIALLY spouses and children, it is wrong to be lazy, it is wrong to not work to take care of your family, it is wrong to waste money, it is wrong to take advantage of systems meant to help, it is wrong to take advantage of our skin color, status, or educational attainment to elevate ourselves above others…I could go on and on. I have lots of beliefs about right and wrong BUT…

I’m learning. 

I’m learning that those are rights and wrongs for ME and how I should act; I cannot impose my beliefs on other people. It’s not my job. The only person’s actions I can control are my own and it is not for me to seek punishment for those who do things that I believe to be wrong. This of course also means that it is not anybody else’s social job to judge and punish me for a deed, real or perceived,  based on cultural bias, open to interpretation or easily justified with the same jive talking that makes it easy to judge the act in the first place.

This is not to say that there are not "good" behaviors and "bad" behaviors, but in this changing world of increased equality, globalization, and technological changes, maybe we need to work on the skills of dialogue, understanding and respect. Maybe we should strive for an elevated sense of humanity - one that doesn't grab onto the fastest, easiest answers and assumptions; maybe a more love-based humanity. Maybe like the one Jesus talked about.

Social norms have always changed. What was once good for the community may or may not be today. One thing is certain, social norms will continue to change and evolve, people are more mobile and interconnected than ever before. Power structures are shifting. In light of these leaps and shifts, perhaps we should be aware that often our deep seated desires to punish others are based on limited cultural concepts of right and wrong, good and bad. Maybe we need to learn to communicate, to listen and to seek understanding. And then either let the courts handle it or give it to God, but I think we have better things to do.

Friends...how many of us have them?

Two songs popped into my head today as I thought about what I wanted to share. Two totally different songs; the first is the rather sweet one best known from the Golden Girls TV show (Thank you for being a friend...), and the other a commonly quoted hip hop song from my high school days, Friends, by Whodini.

These two songs reflect the constant conflict in my head that shifts from an almost innocent appreciation and idealism and the other a harsher, less-trusting view of the world.

A friend from the US posted on Facebook today how it hurts so much when you realize that people who you thought were friends really weren't. I responded to her that it certainly does - I experienced the same halfway around the world and it's taken months to get over the bitterness of it.

This post isn't about bitterness, though. It's about blessings.

Last night, I gathered with a small group of people for dinner; some of my very best friends. We are a diverse group, 2 from Indonesia (different parts of the island of Java), 2 from Greece (1 from Athens, 1 from Sparta), 1 from Australia and 1 from the US. I could further label us into subgroups, but that's not my point; my point is that even though we have 1 thing in common, we're all educated progressively-thinking people, roughly the same age (with one exception), we have different opinions on many things; the gender identities of women and men, the institution of marriage, the role of art in culture - what IS culture, even - and many other things. The thing is that sticks out for me, however, is how we listened to each other with respect, good-natured laughter and love. We tried to understand each other's perspectives and we all, I'm sure, grew in the relatively short time we spent together.

On Facebook the other day, I posted a status of thanks. I have such a diverse group of friends; conservatives, liberals, traditionalists, people of faith, agnostics, progressives, geeks, party-people, world-travelers, people who've never left their home countries, and I could go on. The thing that I love about my friends is that we never shut the other out - we may have different ideas about politics, morality, what it means to be a _______ (fill in the blank), but we do so civilly. We do so, consciously or not, with the end in mind to grow intellectually and/or spiritually, and the beginning of that journey is respect, appreciation, and even love.

There's a saying from where I come as follows "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar". Why do some people not understand that it's so much easier to hear, comprehend and reflect on things said and not screamed? When I was younger, I used to love a good yelling match, but the fact is, they're not effective. Even if you're scaring somebody into compliance, it won't last. As soon as there's a way out, they're gone, so what good is anything if it's forced?

Maybe another reason I love my friends, even the ones with whom I disagree, is that if we know we get overheated about a certain topic, we tread lightly, but can still say what we believe. We don't try to change the other - we don't denigrate, judge and hate. We dialogue.

Dialogue. The world would be a different place with it, that's for sure.

With the group of friends last night, we had nothing resembling disagreements, but we regularly had different paths of understanding that had led us to our common beliefs. We weren't trying to change any minds - we were only sharing. And laughing. And listening. And loving.

That's the kind of world I want to live in. How about you?

Opportunities and Challenges (Teaching English in Indonesia)

In January of 2011, I arrived in Yogyakarta, Indonesia to teach English, assist with teacher training and provide "native speaker" insights. The following are some reflections about the opportunities and challenges I've experienced, as well as a few tips that I believe will help Indonesian people improve their English mastery.

My background includes coming from a family of educators and people who believe in life-long learning. Additionally, I received my undergraduate degree from a college (now university) that focused its educational goals based on the liberal arts education model. The goal of that kind of education is to create a "whole" person; one who knows a bit about just about everything and most of all in the chosen field of study. I transferred schools twice (transferring from one university to another is rather uncommon, as best I can tell, in Indonesia). Each time one transfers, a loss of credits is bound to happen. In short, I took many more classes than are reflected in my major (my major was political science, but I took a hefty load of classes in the areas of biology/natural sciences and psychology, too)

This background information is important because it shows the way that I view education. We are not supposed to only "know" some things, but we are supposed to cultivate a love of learning, a curiosity and a desire to understand. We not only learn these things in books, but we communicate with others, we read and discuss opinions that differ from our own and we have an acute awareness that anyone who purports to have all the answers or claims to know everything probably doesn't.

During my short career in teaching which officially began at Central Piedmont Community College in Charlotte, NC USA, the people I've taught ranged in age from about 18 through late 40's (never too good with determining ages, but I believe that to be about ball park). I treat my students as adults with a passion for learning. I want to impart as much enthusiasm, encouragement and empowerment to not only use English well and with individualized mastery, but also with an attitude towards expanded learning, in general.

A common adage is "Knowledge is power". It's not meant to be used as an oppressive power towards other people, but a freeing and liberating state that can open doors, innovate, and ultimately, change the world. (At least that's my positive take on it)

I teach with that goal in mind. Empowerment through education. What it means is that the student takes some responsibility for her or his education; my main job is to facilitate, to share and provide resources, as well as to encourage communication and provide a safe space for a meaningful exchange to enhance learning for everybody.

This is a relatively new concept here in Indonesia, I think. I remember when I was younger, often we learned passively; the teacher lectured and we took notes. It's easy that way. All one has to do is listen and pay attention. This is great for tired students, but maybe not the most effective way to learn. I took a 4 year "sabbatical" from university and my! How things had changed when I returned! The teaching methods had evolved into "active participation models" including group work, pair work, moving tables and desks around the room to facilitate such and I did. not. like. it.

However, I'd be wrong if I told you that I didn't learn during that process and I have to say that it enhanced my experience.

People in Indonesia have mostly been studying English since junior high. The people I've taught here fall into roughly the same age category that I mentioned earlier and are already in the university system, so I believe it's rather safe to assume that they've already been exposed to English grammar rules and the foundation for learning to use English.

I'm not a grammar teacher, but I know how to speak and write correctly. My goal in teaching here is not a return to the basics (because I'm sure that's been more than adequately covered), but to empower students with skills for mastery.

There are some pretty important things about using English that make it easier to master. Firstly, we read. We begin reading when we're children  and it never ends. Memorizing all of our wild and woolly grammar rules becomes unnecessary because through reading, we learn to use the language correctly rather than maintain a mental reference of each applicable grammar rule. Authentic materials are best (things written for and by native speakers with that audience in mind) So, rule number 1 for enhancing your English? Read. And read a lot. (If you'd like recommendations specific to your interests, please ask in the comment section)

1. Read

Secondly, English is a very expressive language with MANY words. It's nice to have an expansive vocabulary, but more important is to know how words are used and what the implied meaning is for each word. "Vow", "oath" and "pledge" mean roughly the same thing, but are used very differently. Reading will help to master than kind of usage, but understanding how the language works is also very important. Critical thinking skills that include a desire to not only "know" something, but to understand it fully, are woven into the ways we use the language...who? What? Why? When? Where? How? When reading authentic English materials, it's good to "create a dialogue" (thanks to a former student for that awesome imagery) with the writing asking "Why is the author sharing this? What is the purpose of this sentence? Who does he/she expect will read this piece? Is it written to influence or inform? So, critical thinking skills are mandatory for mastering English with the power of an educated native speaker.

2. Understand the concept of Critical Thinking

Lastly now, but only because I can't think of anything more important at the moment and these 3 are, by far, the most important tips to me, HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF. Be confident, not arrogant. Use the language. Practice as much as you can. Realize that English is a global language - there are different ways to pronounce words, even within the native speaking population. Don't be hard on yourself, just keep trying. Listen to music in English, watch movies, expose yourself. Be willing to grow.

Many people are focused on taking some version of English aptitude test, whether it's the IELTS or TOEFL (especially the iBT TOEFL), the main thing tested is HOW WELL YOU COMMUNICATE YOUR IDEAS. Of course good grammar facilitates that, but those tests are NOT testing how perfect your English is, but how well you can use English to communicate your own ideas and to understand the ideas of others. Therefore, give yourself a break. Don't be so hard on yourself. Many native speakers make grammatical errors! So, number three is to love yourself.

3. Have confidence, don't be too hard on yourself and don't give up!

There are so many good resources available on the web that I can't even begin to list them here. If you'd like specific references, please post in the comment section and I'll do the best I can.

Best wishes and remember, English is for everybody!

An Easter Reflection 2009-2013

Four years ago on Easter, I found my father's lifeless body in a chair in his apartment. The night before he had been lucid, but he didn't want to be bothered. He sent the medics away. He left the phone off the hook. I believe that he knew he was dying and he wanted to do so in peace.

I also believe that my voice may have been the last that he heard, because it was in answering my call that the phone was never returned to the receiver...

I've never really written the details about this before, but my sweet daughter posted on Facebook a picture of her, when she was in about 2nd or 3rd grade, with my father. He loved her and she him. And that brought to mind a flood of memories that I have to share.

Before I begin, I would like to disclose that this is in no way meant to disrespect my father.

Since I've been an adult, I've understood his behavior. I was at peace and we knew how to interact successfully (or at least I knew how to draw and maintain strong boundaries). As usual, this post is about love.

My father was an interesting human being. He was either a charming, smart and funny man or one of the most terrifying, cruel and angry men that I've ever heard tell of (I'm going to let my natural speech flow - I miss my cultural way of talking and it'll be easier for me this way). The problem always was that we never knew which one would show up and I was always fearful as a child; evenings were often filled with yelling, weekends with intentional cruelty and meanness and I could never understand why in the world families needed daddies if they were just going to be like that. I made a decision very young to never have to put up with any of that. I'd go to college and make my own money, have my own children. Nobody needed that kind of person making them feel horrible the majority of the time. I understand now how strange that is; most people feel some kind of allegiance to their parents, regardless of their behavior, but I never did. Too much pain. Too much hurt. I haven't changed my mind about that, either.

My parents divorced when I was 15. To this day, with all the happiness and joyful events that have transpired since, that was the happiest day of my life. I could live in peace. Our house would be peaceful. No more fear.

Things were better then, but I acted out. Most kids with newly found freedom do and I was no exception.

I grew up. Left for college. Continually wrestled with the condemnations and angry things that just popped up in my head. I carried an incredible amount of hostility, too. I carried those hurtful wounds and never-healing scars around with me for years - much like a badge of honor, or unfortunately, even a suit of armor.

And then I decided that I'd do my best. My father reached out to me after my daughter was born. He wanted to know about her. He wanted to know how I planned to take care of her. He wanted to know her name. He wanted me to be in a good place to be a good mom. His awesome side was out. And I knew I could handle it. I was 21 years old and committed to building some kind of good relationship with my father. I knew he loved me. I knew he got angry for no discernible reason and said cruel things, but I was ready.

While my father and I continually struggled, mostly prevailing and doing well, the only part of him that my daughter ever knew was the awesome side. I am so thankful for that. The relationship that he had with my daughter was his redemption. His one pure chance to be the man I thought he wanted to be; the loving, giving, funny and smart man. He was all that and more to my daughter. It gave me hope.

Hope that he would see how his cruelty affected loved ones. Hope that he would take some of that love and energy and be Daddy-awesome all the time. I knew he could do it - I'd seen it. I wanted him to be happy and to share his goodness with others, too.

But I don't think that's what he wanted. I think he was depressed. Tired. Hurting and angry, himself. He didn't have to die. He let himself die. He didn't take care of himself. I think he felt such pain and remorse for the way he had treated loved ones for so long that he just gave up. Gave in. And died on Easter. 2009.

Easter is the day of the risen Christ. For God so LOVED the world, he sent His only Son...to save the world. Easter is the day that Christians know as the day when love prevails.

Light overpowers darkness. Death where is thy sting?

And my father is dead.

Of course I cried, but what has always bothered me more than anything is WHY? Had his life truly just taken him down? Were there too many fights? Too many lost battles? Why did he give up like that? Why? Did he not want a new life? Did he not want to change? Did he not want to ... live?

And that breaks my heart.

Maybe it's because of him that I know this: some people do not want to change. When people hurt us and we live with the idea and the hope that they'll change, I have bad news. Some of them can't or don't want to change. Some of them would rather die than to swallow their pride and move on.

I'm thankful that my father was a wonderful grandfather for my daughter. I'm glad that he taught me to stand up for myself, to throw knives, to shoot a gun and drink liquor. I'm glad that my rebellious nature is, in great part, his creation.

I'm sad to say that I'm also thankful for the lessons he taught me, intentionally or not, that some people won't change. And it's best for us to do what is best for us. Set boundaries. Get a divorce. Leave a job. Live your life.

We are an Easter people. Every day is a new day. The cross is empty. We are saved. Jesus died for our sins. And my father let himself die for his.

And that breaks my heart.

Martyr, Victim or Beloved Child?

This week, in addition to Valentine's Day and Ash Wednesday, activities included marches called "One Billion Rising" to raise awareness of violence against women and children. These marches served to show, also, that we're not gonna take violence against women and children anymore. 

Of course, I support all initiatives to raise awareness of the evils of violence, especially domestic violence.

We should all reject violence against anybody. And that includes cultures of violence. 

We MUST challenge commonly held beliefs that violence is an acceptable means to an end. Abusers always feel justified, so by trying to explain that their behavior is acceptable serves to maintain traditions of abuse...or cultures of violence

In order to end all forms of violence, we must begin by first realizing and believing a few things.

• All people; women, children and men, deserve basic human rights. That includes a life free from the threat of acts of violence. Especially from, but certainly not limited to, their immediate families. 
• Violence, from anyone in any form, is not acceptable. It is never justified. 
• Public humiliation and shaming is a form of violence.
• The intrinsic dignity and worth of ALL people MUST be respected.
• People must be empowered to know that violence against them is never OK, whether it's physical or emotional violence. 
• Women are people, too. Not objects. Not martyrs. Not supreme beings. We are human beings with feelings, desires, and dreams. We deserve the opportunity to live our lives fully, wholly and intentionally...and so does every other human being. As full human beings, we women are also responsible for our actions. Claiming "victim" status offers no absolution in the realm of violence.

A good way to raise awareness is not only through marches and Facebook posts, but to understand how culture shapes the ideas of what is acceptable and what is not. Women are often taught that we are somehow more special in our abilities to endure suffering. We are taught that men aren't in control of themselves, but we are, and we have to be patient with them. 

That elevates our humanity and decreases theirs.

And it's wrong. In addition to decreasing male humanity, it can shift responsibility from the perpetrator to the victim (victims can be male or female) and women, especially, are supposed to gain strength through victimhood.  

Last night on television I saw a very disturbing program. I knew where it was going and yep, sure enough, it did. The show was a "Christian" show and it was kind of like an expose or talk show about one woman's experience. It began with her story of remarriage - how her son was against it, but she married again, anyway (I'm assuming that she was a widow since divorce is more taboo than any other thing I've yet to witness here...unless she was divorced and the "real" purpose of the show was to make a point of her lifelong punishment for divorcing and eventually remarrying, but I digress...) Her new husband was abusive. He often left her; he hit her if she either asked where he was going or asked him to stay home, he threw hot noodles on her at the dinner table...he treated her cruelly and much of the show was spent highlighting his cruelty.

The woman decided that she would go to church to empower her to deal with her situation. She made some friends there and apparently was told that "men are just men and she should endure his acts of violence". This seemed to empower her as if there's some saintlike quality associated with enduring suffering. Anyway, one night, the abusive husband had a stroke in his sleep. He never recovered fully and the wife is now his care giver. She persevered and is no longer abused.

But only because he had a stroke. 

That show sends the wrong message. Not all abused women are "saved" by their significant others having a stroke (!) and we shouldn't use that situation to depict that it's "saintlike" to endure perpetual abuse at the hands of someone who is supposed to provide physical and emotional care. The most troubling aspect for me was that it seemed to imply that it's the Christian thing to do to endure unnecessary suffering....or even that it's the Christian thing to do to inflict suffering!

From what we wear to how we accommodate abuse, the weight of the world rests on the shoulders of women. We are expected to suffer untold misery just because "men are men". We have to dress in ways that either entice them or calm them. We are encouraged to live our lives in ways that not only protect ourselves (in the ways that we dress, behave or speak, among others), but never to challenge or compromise the beliefs that we are endowed with some supreme ability to endure any measure of hurt, pain or externally inflicted suffering at the hands of men.  

Men are human beings who are responsible for their actions. It is not our responsibility to serve as a moral compass through our own self-imposed martyrization based on the ability to endure suffering.

A young friend of mine the other day explained why her sister broke up with her boyfriend. He had trouble not looking (gawking) at other girls. It made her heart hurt. She finally couldn't take it anymore. She felt "less than" because she believed that "men are men" and she should be strong enough to accept it. I said really? Did she not appreciate handsome boys, too? She said of course! I then asked why she didn't just gawk at them, too...no answer was forthcoming, so I provided it. 

We are TAUGHT that we're not supposed to do that. It is "beneath" us. Males are NOT taught the same thing - in fact, they are likely taught to do it and we're taught to take it, while being taught at the same time that we DON'T even have the same inclinations!

Of course, it benefits patriarchal systems if women tacitly believe that there is honor in being a victim; as if it proves how strong and honorable we are to endure the irresponsible actions of men, whether it's their abuse or that they objectify other women and disrespect us.

Back to the show and the impression that it has given me. Because the women in the show found encouragement to handle her situation in the church, a good place to build a peaceful system that doesn't honor abuse is also in the church. 

From the church, I know well that advice to hit or beat a wife into compliance is commonly given. I also know well that when a women hits her children, whether randomly or with systematic precision, it is also a supported behavior veiled under the pall of necessary discipline. 

It seems to me that this is the way that families are to deal with issues. A wife receives her husband's blows and children absorb the blows from either parent and everybody is kept in line through threat or action of violence. Because wives are women, and therefore victims (for no reason other than gender), the common belief is that they are incapable of inflicting violence. In short, the ability for anyone (except the children) within a family to use violence as a means to an end maintains some sick semblance of familial cohesion. This doesn't sound like the ideal Christian home to me.

Please don't let anything that I've said give the impression that in the instance of an abusive wife, men are not expected to endure, as well. The belief is that "men are men" and "women are just like that". Everyone is expected to suffer abuse, especially within a marriage or family.

What if you don't believe in violence? What can you do? 

What if you're a woman with a different kind of self-respect who doesn't believe it's saintlike to endure beatings?

What does she do? 

What if you're a man with an abusive wife? What if you don't believe in beating her until she "behaves"?

What does he do?

What if you're a child who receives blows for accidentally dropping a glass, or even just being in the wrong place at the wrong time? What lesson does that child learn when they're taught that their very existence is a problem?

What do they do?

The common belief seems to be that the husband has a right to beat his wife. The wife has a responsibility to take it. Wives can't be abusive because they're "victims". Men can't be "victims" because they wield the power. The poor children have to endure getting beaten by anybody and believe that it's a form of disciplining them...loving them.

And because of that, violence against women and children will not go away. 

We can march, dance and raise awareness all we want, but until we recognize the culture of violence that not only supports violence, but encourages it as a remedy to any real or perceived problem, it won't go anywhere. 

A good place to begin this recognition is in the church. 

Message of Love

Had I known it would have gone viral, I would have saved a copy for myself. However, we never know how the things that we write will be used…even obtained, so I won’t be so harsh with myself for not saving a copy for my own records. It was handwritten, on an irregular sized sheet of paper; very spur of the moment, it was. Naturally I wouldn’t have imagined that I’d need to make a copy of such a thing.

Who knows now where the copies are; however many there were, and honestly, it hardly matters. It was months later before I even discovered the popularity of my heartfelt sentiments. All I know is that it must have been pretty spectacular, even though I don’t really remember what I said. What I do know is that whatever I said last year is at least as true as it will be this year, but this time I’ll be more proactive. I’ll publicly share a message of love myself.

When I first came here, I thought that this island would be permeated with love. After working years and years to purge myself of repressed anger, a quick temper and judgement, I believed that I was ready for the experience that I would find here; arriving with an open heart, an open mind and a trusting spirit.

Little did I know, at the time, that love as I knew it, doesn't really exist here. Appreciation and individualized concern are non-existent, for the most part. You are only as valuable as the role you're expected to perform in society. Those roles are partially determined by beliefs that are agreed upon by the community at large. In other words, expectations are based on a communally determined belief system. Now, it matters little if this is "true" or not, what matters is that everybody believes it. Mass belief makes it so.

I do not exhibit the characteristics based on the expectations for the roles I was or am to perform. I never have. Divorced. Former single-parent. Ecumenical. Eat rice, hot things, fried food. Temperature doesn't bother me. In short, I don't match the expectations for a teacher, an American, or even a Christian. 

Now. I've been struggling with that for over 2 years. Most recently, for the past year, anyway, I've been on the receiving end of a hate campaign. I'm not saying that my actions don't warrant a little, ahem, reflection, both by me and others who may or not be involved, but the difference is, in a system of expectations as I described above, there is not only NO chance for dialogue, but there is also no opportunity for anybody to LEARN and to grow from life experiences. 

I'm thankful for my immediate community of neighbors and friends who do not conform to external dictates of social expectations and are full of love (in the way with which I'm familiar). It is because of them, and in particular, my Valentine, that I remain here. 

For further information, 

my previous blog posts describe everything that 

I've just touched on

... in one way or another.

Now, back to Valentine's Day. Every day for me is Valentine's Day. I have big love in my heart and in my life. I constantly struggle with the expectations, the objectification and the judgements that are not only thrown in my direction, but in the direction of friends and loved ones who are also not conforming, either by choice or circumstance, to social expectations.

As I mentioned, my sweet, handwritten Valentine note was widely distributed last year. It would be nice to think that it was done as an example of what love, true love, sounds like. 

This year, my handwritten letter of love, I am quite certain, will not be reproduced and shared without my knowledge, but as an act of remembrance, I'll share the following.

Happy Valentine's Day. May every day be one of unconditional love, honor and respect. 

May we love people, and use things, not the other way around. 

May every human being; woman, man and child feel safe, appreciated and honored in their intimate relationships. If not, may we all have the courage and compassion of St. Valentine, to defy the social edicts and honor love; the most basic of human needs and the foundation for a "good life" full of appreciation, peace and compassion.

Message of Love, The Pretenders

..the reason we're here

as man and woman

is to love each other

take care of each other

when love walks in the room

everybody stand up

oh, it's good, good, good!

...look at the people

in the streets, in the bars

we are all of us in the gutter

but some of us are looking at the stars (Oscar Wilde)

look 'round the room

life is unkind

we fall, but we keep getting up

over and over and over and over...

Me and you, every night, every day

We'll be together always this way

The Culture Vulture

“Lions, wolves, and vultures don't live together in herds, droves or flocks. Of all animals of prey, man is the only sociable one. Every one of us preys upon his neighbor, and yet we herd together.” 

John Gay

When I wrote the title to this blog, I only sought to rhyme something with culture. After choosing "vulture" and then finding the quote from the British poet and dramatist, John Gay, it sadly seemed to fit perfectly for what I wanted to say.

I've been reading a lot about culture. As I've said repeatedly, I spend more of my time being confused than anything else. Part of the reason, I've discovered, is the difference between high-context and low-context cultures as first presented by anthropologist Edward T. Hall in his book Beyond Culture (1976) (thanks, Wikipedia)

The United States is, for the most part (except the South, my region*), a low-context culture. That means that we spell everything out. We leave little to the imagination and shun assumptions. We speak directly with lots of words. We don't expect others to know the context from which we're speaking in order to understand what we need to say. We spell it out. Teaching English and helping people with English has made me very aware of this. We have so many words; each with different, subtle meanings. For example, some form of praise, accolades, appreciation, honor, admiration could all be used in this sentence: 

Her singing was met with highest _________. 

Each word is a bit different, but really all the same. We have lots of ways of saying the same thing. We might use praise in a joyful religious or ceremonial occasion, accolades in a government or military event, appreciation if the singer is respected for one reason or another, honor if the singer is an admirable person, admiration if the singer has overcome some obstacle. Of course, it's not necessary to think of those words in that way, but it's possible. It adds context to the meaning we're trying to convey.

Indonesia is a high context culture. Things only make sense if you are acutely aware of the context from which they come. Unfortunately for me, this often means a requirement to make assumptions, judgements and guesses. (It is not a good thing for me to make assumptions. I can guarantee that they won't be nice.) Therefore, I'm confused most of the time. The word I use most often to describe this phenomenon is "indah". That word can mean majestic, wonderful, beautiful, intriguing, lovely, spectacular, etc. I'm sure it can mean many other things, but what I have to realize is that I have to know what the common belief is about whatever is "indah" and apply that particular meaning to the situation being described. That's what makes it difficult. The context is determined by popular belief or common assumptions with which an individual may or may not agree. You see, what an individual experiences or believes is always "at the mercy", if I may, of what the group has determined is appropriate or legitimate. Using expressive speech is not common. English was created and has evolved to promote expression. I may think that someone is wearing a lovely blouse, so I think to use "indah". I've been told, on many occasions when I think I should use "indah" I should use "bagus" (good) or some other word.  So, friends, I am frequently confused. 

The point here is that there are commonly accepted beliefs that effect everything. From the way words are used, or not used, to the way people are treated. Everything is based on what has been socially determined as the benchmark.

Growing up in a culture that absolutely abhors "following the crowd", "keeping up with the Joneses", and "buckling to peer pressure", not to mention being a bit different anyway, and then living in a place where we have to do all those things to get along is VERY difficult. I still wonder how after the 3 psychological assessments I had to take as part of my mission co-worker vetting I was still chosen to come here. (That's where the call part comes in and I still believe that, by the way. Obviously, I'm still here.)

In spite of all this confusion, I've met many Indonesian people with the same concerns. They're not confused, of course, because they understand the context. 

But they're hurting.

“To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.”

ee cummings

It's not OK to be different. It's not OK to think differently than other people. It's not OK to go against commonly held beliefs and traditions. It's not OK to "be yourself". It's not OK to be smarter (unless you're smarter in the way that it's ok to be smarter in, whatever that happens to be). It's not OK to stand out. (innovate, experiment, create)

Maybe this sounds like whining, but it's hard for someone who's not Indonesian to comprehend. In reality, every single entity serves to reinforce the culturally accepted norms and there's nowhere to go. Family and marriage (Do what we want you to do. You owe me/us. Men are "just men". Women are like that. Children need to listen. Deal with it. Hitting? Abusing? It's OK - just don't get divorced!) University (Critical thinking skills? No value. Memorize. You'll study in the area of your presumed aptitude. Teachers know EVERYTHING. No questions.) The Church (We must sacrifice just as Jesus did. We practice "pure religion". We must act and look a certain way so that people will know who we are - an aside - I always believed "They'll know we are Christians by Our Love" ...

See what happens when I make assumptions??? Whoops. Sorry. Must practice cultural sensitivity....

I always struggle with culture. As I've said many times, I come from the South. My region is the poster child for many things that are, or were, wrong with America. Slavery. De Jure racism. Violence. Fundamentalism. Guns. (Just to name a few.)

But it is never OK to blame our actions that inflict pain on others as our culture, our traditions or "our way". If a cultural tradition hurts someone, it is not just a tradition, it is wrong. Just like buying and selling another human being. Just like separate but equal. Just like telling women to return to their angry, battering husbands. Just like anybody who says that "women are just that way" in response to abusive women. Just like shooting somebody because they made us mad. 

I believe that we can pick and choose from our cultures and traditions; what is uplifting, what inspires, what is kind. 

As I said, The South is a hot bed of wildness, but you know what else? It is one of the most diverse regions in the country. People whose ancestors once fled are coming back. We've dropped the evil legacies of the past and are promoting what is good. Love one another. Hospitality. Kindness. Hard work. The best food in the country!  

Cultures and traditions don't have to be lost. 

But hurting people in the name of your culture or traditions? Well, that's got to go.

* Wikipedia notes that The South is an anomaly; that even though it's in the US, we're a high context culture. I had to think about that a bit and yes, I guess so, but we still operate within the dominant culture of low context...and we only speak "our" way with "our" people; we know "outsiders" won't know what we mean when we say somebody's "acting like trash", for example. One thing for sure, the context with which I'm familiar and unspoken is, like every culture, unique to itself. That being said, the fact that I also come from a high context culture does little good in this high context culture.