This week, in addition to Valentine's Day and Ash Wednesday, activities included marches called "One Billion Rising" to raise awareness of violence against women and children. These marches served to show, also, that we're not gonna take violence against women and children anymore.
Of course, I support all initiatives to raise awareness of the evils of violence, especially domestic violence.
We should all reject violence against anybody. And that includes cultures of violence.
We MUST challenge commonly held beliefs that violence is an acceptable means to an end. Abusers always feel justified, so by trying to explain that their behavior is acceptable serves to maintain traditions of abuse...or cultures of violence
In order to end all forms of violence, we must begin by first realizing and believing a few things.
- All people; women, children and men, deserve basic human rights. That includes a life free from the threat of acts of violence. Especially from, but certainly not limited to, their immediate families.
- Violence, from anyone in any form, is not acceptable. It is never justified.
- Public humiliation and shaming is a form of violence.
- The intrinsic dignity and worth of ALL people MUST be respected.
- People must be empowered to know that violence against them is never OK, whether it's physical or emotional violence.
- Women are people, too. Not objects. Not martyrs. Not supreme beings. We are human beings with feelings, desires, and dreams. We deserve the opportunity to live our lives fully, wholly and intentionally...and so does every other human being. As full human beings, we women are also responsible for our actions. Claiming "victim" status offers no absolution in the realm of violence.
A good way to raise awareness is not only through marches and Facebook posts, but to understand how culture shapes the ideas of what is acceptable and what is not. Women are often taught that we are somehow more special in our abilities to endure suffering. We are taught that men aren't in control of themselves, but we are, and we have to be patient with them.
That elevates our humanity and decreases theirs.
And it's wrong. In addition to decreasing male humanity, it can shift responsibility from the perpetrator to the victim (victims can be male or female) and women, especially, are supposed to gain strength through victimhood.
Last night on television I saw a very disturbing program. I knew where it was going and yep, sure enough, it did. The show was a "Christian" show and it was kind of like an expose or talk show about one woman's experience. It began with her story of remarriage - how her son was against it, but she married again, anyway (I'm assuming that she was a widow since divorce is more taboo than any other thing I've yet to witness here...unless she was divorced and the "real" purpose of the show was to make a point of her lifelong punishment for divorcing and eventually remarrying, but I digress...) Her new husband was abusive. He often left her; he hit her if she either asked where he was going or asked him to stay home, he threw hot noodles on her at the dinner table...he treated her cruelly and much of the show was spent highlighting his cruelty.
The woman decided that she would go to church to empower her to deal with her situation. She made some friends there and apparently was told that "men are just men and she should endure his acts of violence". This seemed to empower her as if there's some saintlike quality associated with enduring suffering. Anyway, one night, the abusive husband had a stroke in his sleep. He never recovered fully and the wife is now his care giver. She persevered and is no longer abused.
But only because he had a stroke.
That show sends the wrong message. Not all abused women are "saved" by their significant others having a stroke (!) and we shouldn't use that situation to depict that it's "saintlike" to endure perpetual abuse at the hands of someone who is supposed to provide physical and emotional care. The most troubling aspect for me was that it seemed to imply that it's the Christian thing to do to endure unnecessary suffering....or even that it's the Christian thing to do to inflict suffering!
From what we wear to how we accommodate abuse, the weight of the world rests on the shoulders of women. We are expected to suffer untold misery just because "men are men". We have to dress in ways that either entice them or calm them. We are encouraged to live our lives in ways that not only protect ourselves (in the ways that we dress, behave or speak, among others), but never to challenge or compromise the beliefs that we are endowed with some supreme ability to endure any measure of hurt, pain or externally inflicted suffering at the hands of men.
Men are human beings who are responsible for their actions. It is not our responsibility to serve as a moral compass through our own self-imposed martyrization based on the ability to endure suffering.
A young friend of mine the other day explained why her sister broke up with her boyfriend. He had trouble not looking (gawking) at other girls. It made her heart hurt. She finally couldn't take it anymore. She felt "less than" because she believed that "men are men" and she should be strong enough to accept it. I said really? Did she not appreciate handsome boys, too? She said of course! I then asked why she didn't just gawk at them, too...no answer was forthcoming, so I provided it.
We are TAUGHT that we're not supposed to do that. It is "beneath" us. Males are NOT taught the same thing - in fact, they are likely taught to do it and we're taught to take it, while being taught at the same time that we DON'T even have the same inclinations!
Of course, it benefits patriarchal systems if women tacitly believe that there is honor in being a victim; as if it proves how strong and honorable we are to endure the irresponsible actions of men, whether it's their abuse or that they objectify other women and disrespect us.
Back to the show and the impression that it has given me. Because the women in the show found encouragement to handle her situation in the church, a good place to build a peaceful system that doesn't honor abuse is also in the church.
From the church, I know well that advice to hit or beat a wife into compliance is commonly given. I also know well that when a women hits her children, whether randomly or with systematic precision, it is also a supported behavior veiled under the pall of necessary discipline.
It seems to me that this is the way that families are to deal with issues. A wife receives her husband's blows and children absorb the blows from either parent and everybody is kept in line through threat or action of violence. Because wives are women, and therefore victims (for no reason other than gender), the common belief is that they are incapable of inflicting violence. In short, the ability for anyone (except the children) within a family to use violence as a means to an end maintains some sick semblance of familial cohesion. This doesn't sound like the ideal Christian home to me.
Please don't let anything that I've said give the impression that in the instance of an abusive wife, men are not expected to endure, as well. The belief is that "men are men" and "women are just like that". Everyone is expected to suffer abuse, especially within a marriage or family.
What if you don't believe in violence? What can you do?
What if you're a woman with a different kind of self-respect who doesn't believe it's saintlike to endure beatings?
What does she do?
What if you're a man with an abusive wife? What if you don't believe in beating her until she "behaves"?
What does he do?
What if you're a child who receives blows for accidentally dropping a glass, or even just being in the wrong place at the wrong time? What lesson does that child learn when they're taught that their very existence is a problem?
What do they do?
The common belief seems to be that the husband has a right to beat his wife. The wife has a responsibility to take it. Wives can't be abusive because they're "victims". Men can't be "victims" because they wield the power. The poor children have to endure getting beaten by anybody and believe that it's a form of disciplining them...loving them.
And because of that, violence against women and children will not go away.
We can march, dance and raise awareness all we want, but until we recognize the culture of violence that not only supports violence, but encourages it as a remedy to any real or perceived problem, it won't go anywhere.
A good place to begin this recognition is in the church.
No comments:
Post a Comment