I've been reading a lot lately; lots of time on my hands. Mostly I've been trying to figure out where I should go from here and what I should do with myself. The past 5 years have certainly been different from any in my life and it seems that the experiences I've had during that time, while seemingly a far cry from those earlier in my life, have specifically prepared me for the present time; how to let go (of anger, resentment, toxic situations), how to be flexible (bending not breaking), how to not take things personally (what people say and do is a reflection of where and who they are more than an indicator of who I am) and how to prioritize MY priorities and beliefs to create a life, not just a living (what is important to me and what makes me sleep peacefully at night, for one. No worrying! Do my best and do all I can do. That's all that's ever possible.).
Present considerations involve figuring out how to honor the attributes and experiences that make me "me" and create that life. I see a pattern and I want to connect the dots.
During my formative years, many trials and tribulations happened because I was intentionally determined to rock the boat and openly question (or slam) the status quo. Now, doing those two things is such a part of who I am that I unwittingly do it naturally; even when I think I'm being quiet and not causing trouble...and the results are the same (it offends people and I'm on my own, more or less) In my defense, I have to say that I'm no longer hostile or angry, but I still just can't keep my mouth shut about things that smack of systematic injustice, specifically as related to status, power and privilege. The lesson here is that I can speak out and get in trouble or be quiet and get in trouble, but I'm going to be in trouble anyway, so which way is more productive to actually fight the system of injustice? As I've said before and I just read recently, some of us are just better equipped for rocking the boat and maybe that's the reason we are the way that we are. In short, I don't think I'll be quiet anymore, but I want to make a difference. A positive one. Inspire, encourage and equip.
As a part of working to make my dreams a reality, I read an article that I thought would be helpful. It recommends reviewing our pasts for repeating patterns or themes and then "connecting the dots" to find our purpose/passion. The embedded video of a commencement speech at Stanford University by Steve Jobs is especially poignant, but I can't help but think yes yes yes I have lots of related dots, but I've not saved the world yet (more specifically, I can't see that when I did stick my neck out anything positive happened, no systemic change in the structures), so what am I doing wrong?
Some of us were flat out rebels as young people. Right and wrong is an oversimplification; we saw systematic injustice including, but not limited to, privilege associated with race, gender, socio-economic status, nationality - misuse of power, authority, social/religious institutions, etc. And so we REBELLED! Rebelled hard, I might add, often to our own detriment because we often did things with the specific intent to offend those in power.
My awareness began very early. I don't know why, but I remember. As early as 1st grade, I learned that the lies and judgments that had been already been pumped into my head were WRONG. Poor people weren't stupid. Black people didn't stink. And all teachers weren't control freak Nazis. How can someone so young already be aware of such things? That I don't know, but I know that I continued to see assumptions, prejudices and misinformation controlling daily social life, and I did not (and do not) like it.
To further expound upon the preceding paragraph is better suited for a dissertation, but suffice it to say that the construction of a white or group identity, social conformity, shame culture, familial relations, genetic disposition, home environment and culture all play a role in how we view the world. The point I'm making is that we all, of every race, gender, nationality, ethnicity, are subjected to programming from the second we arrive in the world to incorporate a set of beliefs, assumptions and rules of behavior/engagement. Thank goodness for me, the information given one parent was always tempered with that from the other and I thank God for my creative, wild, educated and unique parents! Without them, I would not be me. And I like me (most of the time).
Now. I don't know what my purpose in life is right this second, but I do know some things and maybe that's a good place to start.
The first thing I know is that God made me, He knows every hair on my head and He orders my steps. It is through my faith and my commitment to follow the commands to "...love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind. And you must love your neighbor as yourself." that my life revolves. As I am human, I can only do my best and try.
Secondly, I know that very often traditional beliefs and what often passes for common sense are used to oppress, keep people in a place that's comfortable for others and not based on reason. That is the essence of our humanity. Humans are like that. Jealousy, ego, power, status - all those things can be justified with just one simple phrase "That's just the way it is". Well, that may be the way that it is, but it shouldn't be and we should know better - especially those of us who are committed to living a different kind of life, specifically one based on the concept of love. Once upon a time, the way that it was included men having multiple wives (and slaves and concubines), women as property in a marriage, landless white men were not allowed to vote, people of color were not allowed to vote or to live in integrated neighborhoods, and the government didn't oversee the distribution of food and chemicals for safety purposes. There have been many changes in human history, but we're not finished and it often appears as if we're moving backwards!
Why does it seem like we're moving backwards? Because the people in power are pissed.
Thirdly, I know that society is changing rapidly. Thankfully, the privilege associated with whiteness is diminishing, women are free to live without a man - have children even! Families can include two daddies or two mommies...or maybe even just one. Arguably, food and water is usually safer thanks to government regulations (I know about Monsanto and strip mining, etc., but I'm talking in general) The workplace is changing, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. And people are free to choose another job, move to another city, State or even country. Some societies have too many divorces resulting in social instability, as well as sometimes poverty, and some have too few, trapping men, women and children in abusive situations. Income inequality in the US is growing. Graduating from college doesn't guarantee a good job. Women still earn less than men. Education is still a dream for many around the world. People are mostly free, especially in democratic societies, but many are wasting their lives, opportunities, relationships and futures living in fear, spouting hatred, and constantly angry, often with "those" people who they don't even know!
And finally, I know that I am a product of the Protestant work ethic. I am not down with laziness, physically or mentally, and our work should reflect a priority to the people we serve, not to the people in power. A manager should manage and empower their staff. A teacher should inspire and equip the students. A government worker should consider the general welfare. If every step we take is tempered by fear - of being fired, of being demoted, of being excluded from processes - can we really do our work? Can we serve? No. We cannot.
I don't know about you, but I don't like being given a directive that makes no sense (expensive, time consuming or just not efficient), other than to cater to the demands of a "higher up" or elected official. That's not a good business model.
I don't like working in a place that plasters its mission/vision all over the place but has absolutely no internal commitment to upholding those values, especially when not upholding them harms the very ones they should be committed to serve.
I do not want to be used as a token, a pawn or an example. I want a job to do and I want to do it. No BS.
Many people are beginning to realize that structures in place (in education, finance, religion, workplace bureaucracies) aren't looking out for the worker or those they serve, but promoting the needs of those in power. And doing all that is possible to keep things "they way they are". What was once only obvious to a handful of us is becoming common knowledge.
In closing, I want to not only be accountable, but I want any entities with which or whom I deal to be accountable, as well.
I have done, am doing, and will do things with which people do not agree, whether personally or professionally, but I will never lie, hide, or sneak around like a roach in a wall. Anything that can't be done in the light of day should be questioned. It's that simple. That's transparency. That's integrity. That's what I'm talking about. It's not what you do or don't do, but are you going to own up to it when the time comes? If not, don't do it. And that is my rule.
The next time a red flag comes up and I know better, instead of ignoring it, I'm going to honor that feeling and get out of Dodge. Maybe that's one reason my dots haven't connected any better.
Maybe I've been wasting my time in the wrong places.
Not any more.
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