A Note on Commitment

Definition of COMMITMENT

1

a : an act of committing to a charge or trust: as (1) : a consignment to a penal or mental institution (2) : an act of referring a matter to a legislative committee

b : mittimus

2

a : an agreement or pledge to do something in the future; especially : an engagement to assume a financial obligation at a future date

b : something pledged

c : the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled <a commitment to a cause>

I love using a dictionary. Very often my students are surprised that I readily refer to one, but one of the beauties of English is that our words are very expressive and have VERY specific meanings. I have to say that I was a bit surprised when I read this definition for "commitment". It's not quite what I thought, but certainly what I felt.

Commitment for me is a word I would use in the context of relationship. In fact, I seem to think of it mostly in terms of a work relationship or a marriage. "I am committed to you." "I am committed to being the best that I can be for you" "I committed to "sticking it out". It seems that my primary definition for this word is actually 2.C! 

That being said, when we've committed to something, how do we know how long we have to be committed?  In marriage of course, we know that we are to be committed forever...but what if we're the only one with a sense of commitment? What then? A marriage is a relationship based on reciprocity and the commitment of two people; one person cannot make a marriage, but my focus here is not on that kind of commitment, but on a professional commitment.

Once we have chosen a profession, or a career if you will, the next step is a job; an opportunity to put that choice into action. A work related commitment may be easier to negotiate, but it's still based on an idea of reciprocity and mutuality. 

It seems to me that a commitment is only valid if, indeed, it's mutually agreed upon and respected. Just as one person cannot make a marriage, a one-way work relationship is equally deficient. An employer cannot continue to pour resources into an unproductive employee, and an employee with a sense of duty can't continually seek permission to do what they expected to do when they were hired.

In any relationship, honest communication is key. We can try our best to meet the needs and expectations of the other, but it is also necessary for them to try their best to meet our needs and expectations, as well. It's not a one-way street, but a boulevard of cooperation, compromise and communication. Anything less is not truly a relationship, but a prescription (Merriam Webster - #3) .

When we feel as if we've tried to cooperate, compromise and communicate to no avail, it may be necessary to reconsider that commitment. 

We are not promised a tomorrow. Each day is a blessing and a gift. If we waste our days on unfulfilling commitments that do not allow us to use our gifts, talents and abilities to the benefit of ourselves and others, then we may be taking that gift for granted. I don't think that's s good thing. 

Maybe that's why this old Kenny Rogers (The Gambler) song keeps popping into my head...

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em

Know when to walk away

Know when to run 

Hopefully, I will always use creativity, intelligence, imagination and love to play the cards in my hand. 

Menjalani Panggilan

 “We plan our lives according to a dream that came to us in our childhood, and we find that life alters our plans. And yet, at the end, from a rare height, we also see that our dream was our fate. 
It's just that providence had other ideas as to how we would get there. 
Destiny plans a different route, or turns the dream around, as if it were a riddle, and fulfills the dream in ways we couldn't have expected.” Ben Okri

As you know if you've read any of my previous blogs, I spend a great deal of time wondering why I'm here and what I'm supposed to be doing. I know my job description and understand the expectations of our partners for whom I teach English, but I'm talking about ME. Why am I the one? The application and interview process with the Presbyterian Church (USA) was the most comprehensive, holistic and thorough digging into my soul and physical being that I've ever experienced.  It felt like a more intense, and all the same normal, job interview - but - I am here based on faith; in response to a call.

Perhaps most people here teaching English have different motives than I. Very often it's difficult for me because people here are often accustomed to Westerners being here on a type of extended vacation. Yes, maybe they're teaching English or something, but you can believe at the first opportunity, they're often off to snorkel, vacation in Bali or check out another nearby country. I am here to live, to understand the culture, to try and get my arms around the complexities of a seemingly "easy" (ha!) language and to figure out how I'll be accountable at the same time. It is decidedly not easy.

My daughter asked me many months ago and my best friend asked me recently, basically, "Are you having fun?"

Does what I wrote above sound in any way "fun"? It is constant effort. Constant awareness/assessment. And it is constantly confusing.

I am blessed to have many loving people in my life. That is far and away the best thing about being here. Yes, this is a beautiful country, the architecture is fun and creative and the food is delicious. But the people enrich my life and give me happiness; the students, my co-workers and other teachers, my awesome friends, neighbors in the community. That's what it's about.

That being said, I am American, (Southern which is a little different from the stereotypical American, but still). Generically speaking, Americans like to work. It's how we determine our worth, or lack thereof. We like to "do" things, we have to produce results, we like to be held accountable, most of us are quite independent, and the way we speak is to the point with no room for interpretation or questions; anything less is disrespectful because we could be imposing on the "all important time" of another person.

I will just mention that "generic" American culture is quite different from that of "generic" Indonesia.

This is where the Southern part comes in handy.

Luckily, Southern Americans can take things a little slower than most Americans, we are all about being polite and respectful*, and we don't have much problem rolling around in a long conversation about nothing in particular.

But I still want to work hard. I want to go to sleep every night knowing that I "did" something productive. I've been called a workaholic, but I don't really think that's true. I won't kill myself to create unnecessary work or fabricate busy-ness just to feel useful, but when there's something to "do", I get it done. And I like that.

Additionally, I am rather outspoken. Yes, yes I know...that's an UNDERSTATEMENT very much, but still. I can't stand to see injustice, inequality, arrogance, meanness, you name it...if I think it's mean-spirited or wrong, I will usually say something about it. 

When out of context, it's smarter to keep your mouth shut and watch. Try to figure things out first. Do you have any idea how hard that is? Especially when it's something about which I have a very strong opinion...domestic violence, female empowerment, equality, the right to work, democracy, fairness...yes. These things are challenged here as they are in the US, but in the US, I can say something. I can DO something. Here, I can watch....and learn....and wait. That, friends, is not fun.

But all that being said, I am not here to have fun. I am not here to vacation and to have a big adventure. I am here in response to a call (in Bahasa Indonesia, "menjalani panggillan") For more on discerning a call, please enjoy this article from Princeton University: Discerning Your Vocation

The short of it is this: God doesn't call the prepared, He prepares the called. Every day that I am here, I understand more and more why I am here. My outspokenness and my ability to control it will come in handy one day. The way that I can meet people and be friendly helps me every day and it is from genuine affection, it's who I am, not just "putting on" as we say where I'm from. Paying attention to just about everything and trying to get a handle on things is my nature. And it's mandatory here. There is no question that I am supposed to be here. I am happy to be here...even though I wouldn't really call it "fun".

Big Fish by Tim Burton (2003) is my favorite movie. It seems that every time I watch it, I catch something new.  Watching it with my PhD students the other day, I caught this line (or something to this effect)

"I remembered a lesson from Sunday school that the harder the challenge, 

the greater the reward at the end". 

Sometimes when we feel we're onto something big, we can stand the obstacles or hurdles. I didn't really know that to be a "lesson from Sunday school" or even cultural, for that matter. I just thought that's the way things are. Now I know. I do feel that way. I am challenged every day. But I know I am supposed to be here. And I know that the benefits, whether to me or others, will be worth every second.  I am here, I am committed, and most of all, I am ready.

Now, I may from time to time need to be reminded of that, but I've also learned how to do that, too. And it starts like this:

Thank you, God for giving me this opportunity to learn and grow in your name and Holy Spirit. Please give me the strength and courage to do what I'm supposed to do. Even it that's really not "doing" anything. Amen. 

*Southern people are known for being polite, hospitable and respectful, but we're also known for being a little bit hostile if we feel that we've been disrespected or mistreated. I think that's why we're always so nice to each other. It's safer that way :-)

It Always Amazes Me...

So many amazing things happen to me. Sometimes, when I am drafting an angry response to an unsavory political article I've just read, the power goes out.

Hhhhmmmm. Guess I wasn't supposed to say that. OK.

Sometimes when I'm drafting a blog post, I hit one key and the entire thing disappears. 

Hhhhmmmm. Yep. Wasn't supposed to keep working on that one....

maybe I shouldn't talk about that.

Sometimes when I'm sharing something possibly incendiary on Facebook...BOOP! My computer locks up.

Hhhhmmmm. Charlotte, that might have been too contentious to post.

No need to incite an argument or polarize your friends. 

Yes, the power goes out regularly here...well, not really, but enough so that it's not a surprise or big deal when it does go out. My American formatted computer does some fun things when interfacing with certain programs or providers. I'm sure there are other reasons for my occasional losses...

But what has constantly amazed me is that whatever is lost, whatever disappears, or whatever I don't get to finish at the time is never something of serious importance. I never feel the sting of loss after it happens. 

I'm glad to know that it's not worth getting worked up over the little things. 

I am happy to stay in a state of constant amazement that even when something disappears, something more important is saved. 

Maybe it's my face.

Are You Ready??? The First Post that is Decidedly NOT About Love

God is in my life in so many ways that it is impossible to list them all. Here in Indonesia, there are no exceptions. I still feel and see God moving in the mysterious ways that if I pay attention, I can either get out of the way and be transformed or by following the Spirit, can get in the way to transform.

In this context, as a cultural and national "outsider", it is often hard to determine the correct path. What is cultural? What is just not acceptable? Usually when I feel conflicted, I kind of loiter in the background until I can figure things out...I've been in the background a long time, but I'm feeling that it's time for me to begin a conversation.

A few weeks ago in this post, The Things We Take for Granted, I discussed my perspective on marriages in Indonesia. Very often to me, situations here reflect the same issues that we have in the US, but in a weird  reversal. For instance, we likely have too many divorces, but here they don't have enough!

One of the situations that leads me to believe that is the topic of this post.

I do not believe-EVER-that anyone should be subject to abuse; children, women, men, animals. Nobody. EVER. I do not care if your parent is abusing you, your husband, your wife, your kid. It doesn't matter to me. If you are being hurt, you don't have to do anything but GET OUT.

One of the tools that abusers often use sounds something like this:

 "I'm your mother / husband / father / wife, etc, you have to respect me / live with me / sacrifice for me" 

Yep. Nope. No you don't. 

Is that cultural? It may be. 

The family here is the most important social unit. Families make community. Marriage, as I've said before, is the indicator of a life well-lived. Bringing children into that union is the epitome of what "you're supposed to do". To destroy that institution is, well, maybe a travesty, regardless of the reason. But what if you need to get out? What resources are available? As a very religious country, shouldn't someone or entity be able to  offer love and support?

I have searched for institutions that support and counsel victims and survivors of domestic abuse here. I have not been very successful. In the US, we have support/counseling for a range of issues. Here? Not so much. Certainly there are programs to escape disaster, deal with tsunamis or protect yourself from HIV. But there are hardly any that deal with domestic abuse. Hardly any. I want to understand. I want to know. Why? Let me tell you.

Abuse is evil. 

Abuse is wrong. 

The ramifications of ABUSE are extensive

I think that people who have experienced abuse fall into 1 of 2 camps (from best I can tell) Some are still ashamed and shut down by it. Maybe the pain is still too intense to deal with it. Maybe it's easier to turn a blind eye. 

And then there are people like me. We are angry. We don't like it. 

And we are not quiet.

As I've implied in previous posts, my life has not always been love and acceptance, peace and tranquility.  Through the grace of God and the love of Christ, I am free and have been "pulled from the fiery pits".  I've been given new chances, renewed vision and an appreciation for others that is unprecedented in my life. I've spent much time recreating myself, healing and loving myself through some tough times. Thanks be to God, I am safe. I am healed. But I am still angry.

Abuse comes in many forms and anyone can be a victim - are you familiar with them?

Physical

I just looked up images for this section and you know what? I can't do it. Too much. No cute clip art for this section, that's for sure.

Physical abuse is probably the first association that people have when they hear "domestic abuse". The most general image for many people, I think, is that of a woman pummeled into a pile of tears and blood. That happens.

We also tend to think of children; either at the receiving end of a vicious blow or as terrified witnesses to their mothers winding up as a pummeled pile of tears and blood.

The lasting impacts for children in either of these circumstances are horrific. Neither way is better or worse. They both are horrific.

Horrific.

ABUSE.

Mental/Emotional

Emotional abuse is, I believe, finally gaining some acceptance as a serious form of abuse. Physical abuse is terrible. It is, indeed, horrific, but emotional abuse to me, is AS BAD or WORSE. It is harder to see (abusers are so intentional they control when and where they employ their tactics).  Very often, you have no idea it's happening and can't, therefore, get help (because you've been broken into believing you're terrible and you deserve bad things)

It is akin to torture; a systematic, manipulative, fear-inducing, hateful and degrading method employedfor breaking someone down and controlling them.

“Communications from the emotional abuser are insulting, threatening, devaluing, mocking, controlling, critical, and undermining of self-esteem and worth. Often an abuser limits one’s access to friends and family or tries to induce a sense of mistrust in others.” 

(from www.everydayhealth.com)

As noted above, one of the first strategies of an emotional abuser is to force the soon-to-be-victim to break ties with loved ones and friends because "I'm your husband/wife now. You don't need anybody else". Sometimes this is backed up with words from a Holy Book to justify such a thing..."forsaking all others", right? Nasty stuff.  Unfortunately, from what I've noticed, the church here uses language that we in the US consider to be outdated to counsel abused people...you have to sacrifice, you have to endure, you have to maintain the marriage at whatever cost to yourself (you made a commitment). Yes, certainly a commitment is made...but that commitment SHOULD go both ways. Both people have to sacrifice (I think a better word is actually COMPROMISE) and one should NOT take advantage of the integrity of the other and subject him/her to abuse.  Ever.

Anyway. You can imagine that I can go on forever. I am upset. I've seen this for too long. Too many people. Too many friends and too many families.

I will continue to loiter in the background. Because I have to understand. But I am watching.

And I am most of all, praying. 

And I am ready.

Blast from the Past - Unpublished Blog from August 2011

Stream of consciousness writing has always been fun for me - usually I do it in the privacy of one of my many notebooks and usually when I'm trying to figure something out...

There are many things that I'm trying to figure out right now and I think that's why I haven't written a blog in so long - where to start?  

Ramadan - the month of August was the time of Ramadan, a time in which the Muslim faithful fast from before 6 in the morning until almost 6 at night.  They put nothing in or to their mouths. No smoking, no gum chewing and certainly no eating or drinking. As a result of the majority of the population fasting, many of the food stalls where I usually eat were closed, and because I really haven't felt the need, or had the facilities, to cook here, I was in a bit of a pickle.  All was fine, I learned a lot, but what I really learned and thought about was how the Muslim faithful manage in a country such as the US, that hardly acknowledges such a time, and certainly the restaurants don't close - the temptations abound and the already challenging commitment to fast is made even more difficult by a dominant majority that doesn't understand.  Hhhhhhhmmmmm. Each night around 6, the Buka Puasa, or fast breaking, happens - there is much special food available and friends gather, and invite you to join them, in celebrating the end of a day of reflection and discipline.

The end of the season of Ramadan is marked by Idul Fitri - 5 days of lavish celebrations with friends, family and forgiveness.  It is quite beautiful and really special to be invited to so many friends houses for special celebrations!

For me, trying to comprehend the beauty of the season, the implications of its observance at home, the struggle with my high-maintenance eating habits AND trying to close out the summer semester at 2 universities was almost a little much...oh yes, and did I mention I moved, as well? I won't even go into to detail about how I hadn't taken a "real" vacation in 7 months and that I had about spun myself into a frenzied wild thing! Woo! Time to slow down.

Breathe.

The time of Idul Fitri allowed me the opportunity to not work for a week.  It would be nice to say that I could reflect and be some kind of productive, but in all honesty, for the first time in months I shut down.  I stayed in my new house, slept like a rock, played with my cat, organized my new life in my new dwelling...and I tried not to do ANYTHING. Nothing that required my brain. And now I'm lost.

The Things We Take for Granted...

In the United States, we have many freedoms. Some might argue that we have too many freedoms, but I say our country was founded on the idea of freedom and that goes hand in hand with the equally omniscient Puritan work ethic. In other words, freedom is really not free. We do have to work for it. And we should.

Assumed, and frequently reminded, Americans know that the ultimate authority is the individual. We honor the individual and that is a significant part of our culture. We also believe that seeking happiness is a God-given right for each individual. "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." These opening lines of the Declaration of Independence have since been interpreted to include all men, especially Women.

Divorce is never a pretty word. Yes, close to 50% of American marriages end in divorce, but I daresay that it rarely occurs in the midst of celebratory happiness of newfound freedom.

In many of the college classes in which I participate, students learn the future tense of English by discussing their plans for the future. For example, "In five years I will...in ten years I will..." More often than not, the students, usually between the ages of 18 and 21, say that they will be married in 5 years. The social pressure to marry is intense and hardly comprehensible for an American. Undergraduates in America would likely answer the same questions with something related to their careers, their dreams and goals. Marriage, I offer, is certainly not first and foremost in their immediate plans, but maybe that has to do as much with the belief that marriage involves a loss of freedom or that it requires more work than feasible in the near future.

Indonesian culture can be described as collectivist. In other words, the group is the most important authority and people should conform to, honor and respect the mores of the group into which they were born; family, ethnic group, community. In addition to always having the support of the group as one grows, marries and hopefully grows old, society here is such that middle class married people often have live-in "helpers" to assist with the housework, meal preparation and childcare. In other words, a marriage involves many more people than the immediate family. I admit that would be a tempting life; one of which even an independent American woman can appreciate. I can only imagine how different my life would have been as a wife and mother with the assistance of a vast support network AND a helper. Luxury. Pure and simple. Marriage wouldn't be so intimidating if you knew you'd have at least one helper, that's for sure. As a result of that and other social factors, marriage and having children here isn't viewed as a burden and a difficulty, but possibly an arrival into "the good life".

That being said, the social pressure to marry in Indonesia certainly produces results and I am certain that some people marry because they are genuinely in love. Unfortunately, however, I am equally sure that some people marry in response to the societal pressure. Perhaps that, coupled with the fact that not all couples arrive into "the good life", causes undue stress and can create unhappy unions.  In addition to the possibility of many unhappy marriages, one of the saddest things that I've actually witnessed is the shame, embarrassment and apparent feelings of worthlessness exhibited by some people 26-28 years old who are not yet married...very often because they've been pursuing graduate degrees or similar! Ashamed because you sought to improve yourself, enhance your earning potential and build a career? Again, another hard thing for the Western mind to absorb...

While 50% of American marriages may end in divorce, I shudder to imagine the percentage of unhappy, miserable Indonesian marriages.  My heart is heavy. On more than a few occasions, I have become aware of such unions. With more severe consequences here than in the United States, divorce has myriad connotations. First of all, it often matters not if the husband abandons the family, beats the wife or similar, it is often considered to be the woman's fault; she lost her husband, she wasn't a competent wife, she was the root of the problems in the marriage. Secondly, and in my opinion, of equal if not more disturbing significance, is that some people, both men and women, may lose their jobs as a result of divorce, regardless of the cause|s|. This is due, in part, to both the cultural norms and taboos, as well as to the role religion plays in society.  Religion is integrated into civil society in ways that Westerners can hardly fathom. A person's religion is noted on the required identification card. Any actions will be a reflection on the person's religion; this is especially significant if you happen to belong to one of the five minority religions. (People from different religions (there are 6 approved religions from which people can choose: Islam, Christianity, Catholicism, Confucianism, Buddhism and Hinduism) are prohibited by law from marrying. This would be an appropriate place to ponder the number of people truly in love who won't marry outside their faith, but that's a topic for another time.)

In short, the institution of marriage is so deeply ingrained into the cultural psyche, due in part to the culture and the perceived edicts of most religions, that its roots reach farther than easily understood by many Westerners and the repercussions of divorce here have more serious consequences.

In the United States, marriage is less of a social commitment and more of a commitment to an individual. Therefore, if one of the partners in the union fails to uphold the vows or the "contractual agreement", the opportunities for resolution or dissolution are easier. It's a private matter to be solved by the two involved.  More often than not, people try everything to salvage the relationship prior to divorce: counseling, return to church, date night, increased communication - anything to save the marriage. Work surely can produce desired results, right? In short, divorce is never a pretty thing and nobody ever wishes it upon another (save in the instance of spousal abuse), but at least in the US, most of us don't have to worry about losing our social standing, friends and family, human dignity and/or jobs.

In Indonesia, a divorce can cause a person to lose status, extended families and possibly worse, their jobs.

Losing a job here is a big deal. While there are many available jobs, it is totally permissible for an employer to establish an age range - therefore, if you're a certain age with a limited education, you could be in big trouble.  In addition to that, job postings here also specify a desired gender...if you're a woman of a certain age with a limited education, opportunities for employment are few.  Yes and wait; there's more. If  a women with a position in a religious organization divorces (even if her husband leaves her or beats her), she very likely will not be able to keep her job or find employment within other religious organizations. This holds the same for men employed in a religious capacity. Religious people are not supposed to divorce. Period. Regardless of the reason. Do you have any idea how many religious leaders in the US are divorced or miserable?

(disclaimer...because freedom of religion is important in the US, the government does not manage data related to religious affiliation, additionally, because the vast majority of Americans profess association with Christianity, the quickly available data refers mostly to Christianity - to see how difficult it is to quickly gather info, check this out...2012 Statistical Abstract - US Census - that's PhD work....not for a blog!)

Perhaps it is a rather morbid thing for which to give thanks. I wish that almost 50% of American marriages didn't end in divorce, but if we have to get out, at least we can. At least the bottom doesn't drop out from under us. At least we can have hope for a better life. For many of my Indonesian brothers and sisters, it's just not that easy. And more often than not, that's not a good thing.

Christmas 2011...the Lighter Side

Elly, one of my very best friends here, had a birthday on December 24th. Usually on December 24th, I'm going to church and having a party. Here, church was to be on the 25th, so the 24th was the party...and it was for Elly and to celebrate Christmas Eve.

We purchased a big cake, a big "ceremonial" rice dish (called a "tupeng") and people brought food and snacks. At the height of the evening, there were 20-25 people in my house, affectionately called "the tempat happy-happy" (the fun place). The following are some pictures from that night, as well as a couple of trees that I found to be really cool.

Christmas was a blessing for me. My friends here are a blessing. People getting together, regardless of religious background, to celebrate and share love. That is a blessing. And I'm blessed that it's a big part of my job; my real job.

Elly getting in to the tupeng

Some friends in attendance...

The extent of my personal Christmas decor...

A Christmas tree made of....COCONUT shells! :-) Very creative!

My awesome friend Farsijana and I in front of her beautiful tree.

Some of my friends who make my life beautiful!