In this context, as a cultural and national "outsider", it is often hard to determine the correct path. What is cultural? What is just not acceptable? Usually when I feel conflicted, I kind of loiter in the background until I can figure things out...I've been in the background a long time, but I'm feeling that it's time for me to begin a conversation.
A few weeks ago in this post, The Things We Take for Granted, I discussed my perspective on marriages in Indonesia. Very often to me, situations here reflect the same issues that we have in the US, but in a weird reversal. For instance, we likely have too many divorces, but here they don't have enough!
One of the situations that leads me to believe that is the topic of this post.
I do not believe-EVER-that anyone should be subject to abuse; children, women, men, animals. Nobody. EVER. I do not care if your parent is abusing you, your husband, your wife, your kid. It doesn't matter to me. If you are being hurt, you don't have to do anything but GET OUT.
One of the tools that abusers often use sounds something like this:
"I'm your mother / husband / father / wife, etc, you have to respect me / live with me / sacrifice for me"
Yep. Nope. No you don't.
Is that cultural? It may be.
The family here is the most important social unit. Families make community. Marriage, as I've said before, is the indicator of a life well-lived. Bringing children into that union is the epitome of what "you're supposed to do". To destroy that institution is, well, maybe a travesty, regardless of the reason. But what if you need to get out? What resources are available? As a very religious country, shouldn't someone or entity be able to offer love and support?
I have searched for institutions that support and counsel victims and survivors of domestic abuse here. I have not been very successful. In the US, we have support/counseling for a range of issues. Here? Not so much. Certainly there are programs to escape disaster, deal with tsunamis or protect yourself from HIV. But there are hardly any that deal with domestic abuse. Hardly any. I want to understand. I want to know. Why? Let me tell you.
Abuse is evil.
Abuse is wrong.
The ramifications of ABUSE are extensive
I think that people who have experienced abuse fall into 1 of 2 camps (from best I can tell) Some are still ashamed and shut down by it. Maybe the pain is still too intense to deal with it. Maybe it's easier to turn a blind eye.
And then there are people like me. We are angry. We don't like it.
And we are not quiet.
As I've implied in previous posts, my life has not always been love and acceptance, peace and tranquility. Through the grace of God and the love of Christ, I am free and have been "pulled from the fiery pits". I've been given new chances, renewed vision and an appreciation for others that is unprecedented in my life. I've spent much time recreating myself, healing and loving myself through some tough times. Thanks be to God, I am safe. I am healed. But I am still angry.
Abuse comes in many forms and anyone can be a victim - are you familiar with them?
Physical
I just looked up images for this section and you know what? I can't do it. Too much. No cute clip art for this section, that's for sure.
Physical abuse is probably the first association that people have when they hear "domestic abuse". The most general image for many people, I think, is that of a woman pummeled into a pile of tears and blood. That happens.
We also tend to think of children; either at the receiving end of a vicious blow or as terrified witnesses to their mothers winding up as a pummeled pile of tears and blood.
The lasting impacts for children in either of these circumstances are horrific. Neither way is better or worse. They both are horrific.
Horrific.
ABUSE.
Mental/Emotional
Emotional abuse is, I believe, finally gaining some acceptance as a serious form of abuse. Physical abuse is terrible. It is, indeed, horrific, but emotional abuse to me, is AS BAD or WORSE. It is harder to see (abusers are so intentional they control when and where they employ their tactics). Very often, you have no idea it's happening and can't, therefore, get help (because you've been broken into believing you're terrible and you deserve bad things)
It is akin to torture; a systematic, manipulative, fear-inducing, hateful and degrading method employedfor breaking someone down and controlling them.
“Communications from the emotional abuser are insulting, threatening,
devaluing, mocking, controlling, critical, and undermining of
self-esteem and worth. Often an abuser limits one’s access to friends
and family or tries to induce a sense of mistrust in others.”
As noted above, one of the first strategies of an emotional abuser is to force the soon-to-be-victim to break ties with loved ones and friends because "I'm your husband/wife now. You don't need anybody else". Sometimes this is backed up with words from a Holy Book to justify such a thing..."forsaking all others", right? Nasty stuff. Unfortunately, from what I've noticed, the church here uses language that we in the US consider to be outdated to counsel abused people...you have to sacrifice, you have to endure, you have to maintain the marriage at whatever cost to yourself (you made a commitment). Yes, certainly a commitment is made...but that commitment SHOULD go both ways. Both people have to sacrifice (I think a better word is actually COMPROMISE) and one should NOT take advantage of the integrity of the other and subject him/her to abuse. Ever.Anyway. You can imagine that I can go on forever. I am upset. I've seen this for too long. Too many people. Too many friends and too many families.
I will continue to loiter in the background. Because I have to understand. But I am watching.
And I am most of all, praying.
And I am ready.
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