Back on the Soapbox

I've been reading a lot lately; lots of time on my hands. Mostly I've been trying to figure out where I should go from here and what I should do with myself. The past 5 years have certainly been different from any in my life and it seems that the experiences I've had during that time, while seemingly a far cry from those earlier in my life, have specifically prepared me for the present time; how to let go (of anger, resentment, toxic situations), how to be flexible (bending not breaking), how to not take things personally (what people say and do is a reflection of where and who they are more than an indicator of who I am) and how to prioritize MY priorities and beliefs to create a life, not just a living (what is important to me and what makes me sleep peacefully at night, for one. No worrying! Do my best and do all I can do. That's all that's ever possible.).

Present considerations involve figuring out how to honor the attributes and experiences that make me "me" and create that life. I see a pattern and I want to connect the dots.

During my formative years, many trials and tribulations happened because I was intentionally determined to rock the boat and openly question (or slam) the status quo. Now, doing those two things is such a part of who I am that I unwittingly do it naturally; even when I think I'm being quiet and not causing trouble...and the results are the same (it offends people and I'm on my own, more or less) In my defense, I have to say that I'm no longer hostile or angry, but I still just can't keep my mouth shut about things that smack of systematic injustice, specifically as related to status, power and privilege. The lesson here is that I can speak out and get in trouble or be quiet and get in trouble, but I'm going to be in trouble anyway, so which way is more productive to actually fight the system of injustice? As I've said before and I just read recently, some of us are just better equipped for rocking the boat and maybe that's the reason we are the way that we are. In short, I don't think I'll be quiet anymore, but I want to make a difference. A positive one. Inspire, encourage and equip.

As a part of working to make my dreams a reality, I read an article that I thought would be helpful. It recommends reviewing our pasts for repeating patterns or themes and then "connecting the dots" to find our purpose/passion. The embedded video of a commencement speech at Stanford University by Steve Jobs is especially poignant, but I can't help but think yes yes yes I have lots of related dots, but I've not saved the world yet (more specifically, I can't see that when I did stick my neck out anything positive happened, no systemic change in the structures), so what am I doing wrong?

Some of us were flat out rebels as young people. Right and wrong is an oversimplification; we saw systematic injustice including, but not limited to, privilege associated  with race, gender, socio-economic status, nationality - misuse of power, authority, social/religious institutions, etc. And so we REBELLED! Rebelled hard, I might add, often to our own detriment because we often did things with the specific intent to offend those in power.

My awareness began very early. I don't know why, but I remember. As early as 1st grade, I learned that the lies and judgments that had been already been pumped into my head were WRONG. Poor people weren't stupid. Black people didn't stink. And all teachers weren't control freak Nazis. How can someone so young already be aware of such things? That I don't know, but I know that I continued to see assumptions, prejudices and misinformation controlling daily social life, and I did not (and do not) like it.

To further expound upon the preceding paragraph is better suited for a dissertation, but suffice it to say that the construction of a white or group identity, social conformity, shame culture, familial relations, genetic disposition, home environment and culture all play a role in how we view the world. The point I'm making is that we all, of every race, gender, nationality, ethnicity, are subjected to programming from the second we arrive in the world to incorporate a set of beliefs, assumptions and rules of behavior/engagement. Thank goodness for me, the information given one parent was always tempered with that from the other and I thank God for my creative, wild, educated and unique parents! Without them, I would not be me. And I like me (most of the time).

Now. I don't know what my purpose in life is right this second, but I do know some things and maybe that's a good place to start.

The first thing I know is that God made me, He knows every hair on my head and He orders my steps. It is through my faith and my commitment to follow the commands to "...love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind. And you must love your neighbor as yourself." that my life revolves. As I am human, I can only do my best and try.

Secondly, I know that very often traditional beliefs and what often passes for common sense are used to oppress,  keep people in a place that's comfortable for others and not based on reason. That is the essence of our humanity. Humans are like that. Jealousy, ego, power, status - all those things can be justified with just one simple phrase "That's just the way it is". Well, that may be the way that it is, but it shouldn't be and we should know better - especially those of us who are committed to living a different kind of life, specifically one based on the concept of love. Once upon a time, the way that it was included men having multiple wives (and slaves and concubines), women as property in a marriage, landless white men were not allowed to vote, people of color were not allowed to vote or to live in integrated neighborhoods, and the government didn't oversee the distribution of food and chemicals for safety purposes. There have been many changes in human history, but we're not finished and it often appears as if we're moving backwards!

Why does it seem like we're moving backwards? Because the people in power are pissed.

Thirdly,  I know that society is changing rapidly. Thankfully, the privilege associated with whiteness is diminishing,  women are free to live without a man - have children even! Families can include two daddies or two mommies...or maybe even just one. Arguably, food and water is usually safer thanks to government regulations (I know about Monsanto and strip mining, etc., but I'm talking in general) The workplace is changing, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. And people are free to choose another job, move to another city, State or even country. Some societies have too many divorces resulting in social instability, as well as sometimes poverty, and some have too few, trapping men, women and children in abusive situations. Income inequality in the US is growing. Graduating from college doesn't guarantee a good job. Women still earn less than men. Education is still a dream for many around the world. People are mostly free, especially in democratic societies, but many are wasting their lives, opportunities, relationships and futures living in fear, spouting hatred, and constantly angry, often with "those" people who they don't even know!

And finally, I know that I am a product of the Protestant work ethic. I am not down with laziness, physically or mentally, and our work should reflect a priority to the people we serve, not to the people in power. A manager should manage and empower their staff. A teacher should inspire and equip the students. A government worker should consider the general welfare. If every step we take is tempered by fear - of being fired, of being demoted, of being excluded from processes - can we really do our work? Can we serve? No. We cannot.

I don't know about you, but I don't like being given a directive that makes no sense (expensive, time consuming or just not efficient), other than to cater to the demands of a "higher up" or elected official. That's not a good business model.

I don't like working in a place that plasters its mission/vision all over the place but has absolutely no internal commitment to upholding those values, especially when not upholding them harms the very ones they should be committed to serve.

I do not want to be used as a token, a pawn or an example. I want a job to do and I want to do it. No BS.

Many people are beginning to realize that structures in place (in education, finance, religion, workplace bureaucracies) aren't looking out for the worker or those they serve, but promoting the needs of those in power. And doing all that is possible to keep things "they way they are". What was once only obvious to a handful of us is becoming common knowledge.

In closing, I want to not only be accountable, but I want any entities with which or whom I deal to be accountable, as well.

I have done, am doing, and will do things with which people do not agree, whether personally or professionally, but I will never lie, hide, or sneak around like a roach in a wall. Anything that can't be done in the light of day should be questioned. It's that simple. That's transparency. That's integrity. That's what I'm talking about. It's not what you do or don't do, but are you going to own up to it when the time comes? If not, don't do it. And that is my rule.

The next time a red flag comes up and I know better, instead of ignoring it, I'm going to honor that feeling and get out of Dodge. Maybe that's one reason my dots haven't connected any better.

Maybe I've been wasting my time in the wrong places.

Not any more.

Little by Little

I am free, no matter what rules surround me.

If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. 

I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.

Robert Heinlein

My sweet daughter's paternal grandfather was often heard to say "hard heads make for soft asses". A little rough, maybe, but I've always remembered that phrase...maybe because I have one of the hardest heads in the history of hard heads; figuratively and literally! (when I was quite younger, my brother and I often head-butted each other just to make sure)

The meaning of the phrase makes a lot of sense; it means that if you're led by your hard head, you're going to get kicked in the ass frequently, making it soft and mushy. ha ha. Yes, but not really. It's sometimes hard to determine if I'm making a decision because of my hard-headed stubborn ways, or if I'm just standing up for what I believe in. I'm not sure there's a big difference, except in the results.

When my actions are based on simple hard-headedness, yes, I feel those swift kicks to my rear...but when I'm standing up for what I believe in, there's a certain peace and I receive encouragement and support from places I never expected.

Having a hard head makes it easier to stand up for your beliefs. Those of us who feel related to mules often have a resilience and stamina that's hard to match - we're accustomed to those swift kicks in the rear, so it makes little difference to us if it'll happen again. The good news is that when we're being stubborn about something that matters, the results offer an inspiration to many people who aren't related to mules. That sounds a bit like empowerment.

The last time I was given an ultimatum (October 1987), I, of course, didn't comply with the request of the deliverer. In a somewhat similar situation again, 25 years later, I continue to follow the proven course of action. I followed my heart and led with my hard head.

I am well aware that things may be harder; in the short term. I am also aware that things will be markedly better, too.

I already feel a peace and relief from serious pressure...the song Little by Little by Robert Plant just popped into my head - I can breathe again.

Never in my life have I ever had a true opportunity to just be, to be free, to experience new things without worrying how they'd benefit me, my family or my future. In other words, I'm going to do what many people do right after college or in between jobs. I'm going to breathe. I'm going to experience something new. And I will go forth into my future with love, joy and fortified by many years of experience whose lessons have taught me what it really important.

Little by little, I can breathe again. And oh, how I am ready.

Haints and Hantu

One of the first things you learn when you study about Indonesia is that many people believe that human beings live side by side with spiritual beings...very often referred to as ghosts, but what some people from the mountains of North Carolina might have called "haints" once upon a time, are called "hantu" here.

Being that my people are from the mountains of North Carolina and that my father was a compelling story-teller, I know a little bit about ghosts. That's not a common thing for many foreigners to admit to Indonesian people; there's a certain sophistication associated with being "beyond" all that, but certainly the United States, just like any human society in the world, has a collection of ghost stories. Especially western North Carolina, so it's never been very difficult for me to share the following story that I'll now share with you!

Many of us experience something weird, from time to time...maybe a bit frightening, even; the proverbial "bump in the night", the strange feeling we get in certain areas of a building or house, some of us may even imagine what's causing the feeling (a ghost!)

In the house where I used to live, as lovely as it was and comfortable, when I was a fresh arrival to Indonesia, I had such an experience. In my room, for a few nights, I had an eerie feeling emanating from a spot just outside my bathroom door. In my head, I imagined a crouched female figure, with long messy hair, dressed all in ragged white, who seemingly always wanted to jump on my back as I passed.

A googled image of what "kuntilanak" might look like...

True to form, I prayed when that happened. And hard. I have to admit it was a scary feeling and a bit threatening, as well.

After the first time it happened, I told my very Javanese co-workers about it. I described what I felt and imagined I "saw", and they said "Oh - that sounds like Kuntilanak." (here, a ghost can be many places - islands, cities, wherever, but it's still the same ghost. Kuntilanak, for instance, is not a Javanese ghost, but hails from an island to the north, Kalimantan (commonly known elsewhere as Borneo) In the US, true to our sense of individualism, our ghosts are also individuals and like Highlander, there can be only one, per location, anyway)

I continued to pray and the "feeling" was gone. All clear. Thanks be to God.

Many months later, I was telling that story to my dear young friend, Yani, with whom I practice English. She couldn't believe that I wasn't just exactly FREAKED right out. (She was, of course, also shocked that a "bule" (foreigner, especially from the US) could talk about ghosts to freely.)

When I told her that I prayed, she said that she wasn't sure that Javanese ghosts could understand prayers from the Alkitab (Bible). I told her that I wasn't praying to the ghosts, I was praying to God and He understands everybody. She asked if that was enough for me to not be scared and I answered her "Of course! God loves us and He is all powerful. He reigns. He is in control. I trust Him."

She said "Ohhhh. Anda punya kepercayaan BESAR!" (That means "You have BIG faith!)

Yes, I do, I said. That's why I'm here. Trusting God is easy for me. He's all I've ever been able to count on and He's always been there for me. He has reached down and pulled me out of some very scary situations...and just between you and me, Kuntilanak isn't one of the worst, either!

Yes, I have big faith. And I am thankful.

Just a few weeks ago, I was chatting with the young man who takes care of the house where I used to live. He just casually mentioned that all the neighbors are scared of that house...because they've seen Kuntilanak more than a few times...under the mango tree, beside the house...some people even claim to have seen her inside the house...

So ghosts? Yes, maybe it's fun to talk a bit, but we all know where the power and the glory is. And it is with God, so I am not scared.

The Good News (Newsletter)

I was asked to speak at the English speaking congregation where I regularly attend worship. I was working on this newsletter at the time, entitled “The Good News”. This is what I shared that  Sunday and it is, surprisingly enough, based on the lectionary for that day John 3:1-17.  Let’s remember the Good news, shall we?

Quick! Tell me...what is the good news???

As a mission co-worker with The Presbyterian Church (USA) assigned to teach English in Indonesia, I recently attended a week long training retreat with other co-workers serving in Asia. We learned  of 3 "critical global issues" to which we must seek to engage. 1-alleviation of poverty, especially as related to women and children, 2-sharing the Good News of God’s love in Christ, together with global partners and 3-working for reconciliation in cultures of violence, especially our own.

1 and 3 I understand, but number 2? The Good News? Am I doing that? Can I do that? I'm no theologian, but...

I grew up in the church. I have been a Christian all my life. I once described my faith to a fish swimming in water. Just as a fish may be oblivious to the fact that it lives in a body of water, sometimes I may forget to realize that my life is the same, but I swim in the love of God in faith. I don't know life without it. I (admittedly shamefully) sometimes forget that the GOOD NEWS is that Christ came not to condemn the world, but to save it. For God so loved the world that He sent His only Son. We Christians are blessed and set apart by that fact. We know that God loves us. Every day.

When we grow up knowing that God loves us, we can easily absorb the freedom and grace we receive in God's love without really comprehending that THAT is "the good news". In other words, we live the good news. Christ is the good news, of course, and the message of the Gospel, but when we already live it, how to describe it?  God has never been an evil, vengeful, punitive God to me, but the epitome of LOVE. Therefore, the good news is real and made real, just like the water in which a fish swims...

After the training gathering, 3 friends from PC(USA) came to Jogja to experience my life and service here. After lunch, we all visited the home and studio of an awesome Indonesian artist, Hendarto, who contextualizes the Christian story in painting. One of his works, Anak Hilang (the Prodigal Son), is especially powerful. A son is wrapped in his father's loving arms and the faces are full of love, forgiveness, repentance and grace. My friend who accompanied us asked what that particular work referenced. When I explained the story of the prodigal son to her, I was covered in goosebumps and thanked God that He reminded me of the good news in that way.

What sets Christians apart is not how many times a day we pray, how good we are, or what we DO, but that we are saved through the grace of God and His everlasting love for us...and we know that through the sacrifice of Jesus who was sent to save us. That is the good news. And it is, indeed, good.

But what to "do" with that? Do we accept it and live life as usual, or are there expectations for us as Christians, even though we are already saved?

Yes, there are expectations. We are to love God with all our heart, soul and mind and love our neighbors as ourselves. (Matthew 22:37-40)

The way that we are to love is spelled out in Corinthians 13. When we fail to love others, we drop the ball, so to speak. When we use scripture to punish people who strayed from the path, chose a different life course or made a mistake, we are not living in the forgiving, grace of God, but in the kind of human law from which we are free by the coming of the savior. Galatians 3:23-29.  Being a good person is very important to me, but I have to say that to me, being kind is the main attribute of goodness. Kindness fortified and influenced by love. They'll know we are Christians by our love, afterall. Slow to anger, patient, understanding, humble, conciliatory, forgiving...those are facets of kindness. Kind people do not rejoice in the misfortunes of others, we shouldn't push our own agendas to the detriment of others and we strive to be joyful, not resentful.

Sometimes our humanity may get in the way. Sometimes we may get a little distracted with rules, regulations and social conventions....and sometimes we seek to justify those very humanistic tendencies with scripture. That often is in direct conflict with what we know to be our greatest blessing: The good news of God's love in Christ Jesus.

The good news is that God loves us. Christ came to save us, not condemn us and that in this love, we are free to share the love of God that we know through Christ.

So today, I would just like to share the good news with you. God loves us. We are saved through His grace and love. We know that because Jesus came to tell us and show us, in word and deed. And He took our sin with him to Calvary. God loves us. And that is the Good News. Amen.

And I know now, that I am fully capable of engaging in the critical global issue, #2. I can share the Good News. I live it every day! Thanks be to God!

A Note on Commitment

Definition of COMMITMENT

1

a : an act of committing to a charge or trust: as (1) : a consignment to a penal or mental institution (2) : an act of referring a matter to a legislative committee

b : mittimus

2

a : an agreement or pledge to do something in the future; especially : an engagement to assume a financial obligation at a future date

b : something pledged

c : the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled <a commitment to a cause>

I love using a dictionary. Very often my students are surprised that I readily refer to one, but one of the beauties of English is that our words are very expressive and have VERY specific meanings. I have to say that I was a bit surprised when I read this definition for "commitment". It's not quite what I thought, but certainly what I felt.

Commitment for me is a word I would use in the context of relationship. In fact, I seem to think of it mostly in terms of a work relationship or a marriage. "I am committed to you." "I am committed to being the best that I can be for you" "I committed to "sticking it out". It seems that my primary definition for this word is actually 2.C! 

That being said, when we've committed to something, how do we know how long we have to be committed?  In marriage of course, we know that we are to be committed forever...but what if we're the only one with a sense of commitment? What then? A marriage is a relationship based on reciprocity and the commitment of two people; one person cannot make a marriage, but my focus here is not on that kind of commitment, but on a professional commitment.

Once we have chosen a profession, or a career if you will, the next step is a job; an opportunity to put that choice into action. A work related commitment may be easier to negotiate, but it's still based on an idea of reciprocity and mutuality. 

It seems to me that a commitment is only valid if, indeed, it's mutually agreed upon and respected. Just as one person cannot make a marriage, a one-way work relationship is equally deficient. An employer cannot continue to pour resources into an unproductive employee, and an employee with a sense of duty can't continually seek permission to do what they expected to do when they were hired.

In any relationship, honest communication is key. We can try our best to meet the needs and expectations of the other, but it is also necessary for them to try their best to meet our needs and expectations, as well. It's not a one-way street, but a boulevard of cooperation, compromise and communication. Anything less is not truly a relationship, but a prescription (Merriam Webster - #3) .

When we feel as if we've tried to cooperate, compromise and communicate to no avail, it may be necessary to reconsider that commitment. 

We are not promised a tomorrow. Each day is a blessing and a gift. If we waste our days on unfulfilling commitments that do not allow us to use our gifts, talents and abilities to the benefit of ourselves and others, then we may be taking that gift for granted. I don't think that's s good thing. 

Maybe that's why this old Kenny Rogers (The Gambler) song keeps popping into my head...

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em

Know when to walk away

Know when to run 

Hopefully, I will always use creativity, intelligence, imagination and love to play the cards in my hand. 

Menjalani Panggilan

 “We plan our lives according to a dream that came to us in our childhood, and we find that life alters our plans. And yet, at the end, from a rare height, we also see that our dream was our fate. 
It's just that providence had other ideas as to how we would get there. 
Destiny plans a different route, or turns the dream around, as if it were a riddle, and fulfills the dream in ways we couldn't have expected.” Ben Okri

As you know if you've read any of my previous blogs, I spend a great deal of time wondering why I'm here and what I'm supposed to be doing. I know my job description and understand the expectations of our partners for whom I teach English, but I'm talking about ME. Why am I the one? The application and interview process with the Presbyterian Church (USA) was the most comprehensive, holistic and thorough digging into my soul and physical being that I've ever experienced.  It felt like a more intense, and all the same normal, job interview - but - I am here based on faith; in response to a call.

Perhaps most people here teaching English have different motives than I. Very often it's difficult for me because people here are often accustomed to Westerners being here on a type of extended vacation. Yes, maybe they're teaching English or something, but you can believe at the first opportunity, they're often off to snorkel, vacation in Bali or check out another nearby country. I am here to live, to understand the culture, to try and get my arms around the complexities of a seemingly "easy" (ha!) language and to figure out how I'll be accountable at the same time. It is decidedly not easy.

My daughter asked me many months ago and my best friend asked me recently, basically, "Are you having fun?"

Does what I wrote above sound in any way "fun"? It is constant effort. Constant awareness/assessment. And it is constantly confusing.

I am blessed to have many loving people in my life. That is far and away the best thing about being here. Yes, this is a beautiful country, the architecture is fun and creative and the food is delicious. But the people enrich my life and give me happiness; the students, my co-workers and other teachers, my awesome friends, neighbors in the community. That's what it's about.

That being said, I am American, (Southern which is a little different from the stereotypical American, but still). Generically speaking, Americans like to work. It's how we determine our worth, or lack thereof. We like to "do" things, we have to produce results, we like to be held accountable, most of us are quite independent, and the way we speak is to the point with no room for interpretation or questions; anything less is disrespectful because we could be imposing on the "all important time" of another person.

I will just mention that "generic" American culture is quite different from that of "generic" Indonesia.

This is where the Southern part comes in handy.

Luckily, Southern Americans can take things a little slower than most Americans, we are all about being polite and respectful*, and we don't have much problem rolling around in a long conversation about nothing in particular.

But I still want to work hard. I want to go to sleep every night knowing that I "did" something productive. I've been called a workaholic, but I don't really think that's true. I won't kill myself to create unnecessary work or fabricate busy-ness just to feel useful, but when there's something to "do", I get it done. And I like that.

Additionally, I am rather outspoken. Yes, yes I know...that's an UNDERSTATEMENT very much, but still. I can't stand to see injustice, inequality, arrogance, meanness, you name it...if I think it's mean-spirited or wrong, I will usually say something about it. 

When out of context, it's smarter to keep your mouth shut and watch. Try to figure things out first. Do you have any idea how hard that is? Especially when it's something about which I have a very strong opinion...domestic violence, female empowerment, equality, the right to work, democracy, fairness...yes. These things are challenged here as they are in the US, but in the US, I can say something. I can DO something. Here, I can watch....and learn....and wait. That, friends, is not fun.

But all that being said, I am not here to have fun. I am not here to vacation and to have a big adventure. I am here in response to a call (in Bahasa Indonesia, "menjalani panggillan") For more on discerning a call, please enjoy this article from Princeton University: Discerning Your Vocation

The short of it is this: God doesn't call the prepared, He prepares the called. Every day that I am here, I understand more and more why I am here. My outspokenness and my ability to control it will come in handy one day. The way that I can meet people and be friendly helps me every day and it is from genuine affection, it's who I am, not just "putting on" as we say where I'm from. Paying attention to just about everything and trying to get a handle on things is my nature. And it's mandatory here. There is no question that I am supposed to be here. I am happy to be here...even though I wouldn't really call it "fun".

Big Fish by Tim Burton (2003) is my favorite movie. It seems that every time I watch it, I catch something new.  Watching it with my PhD students the other day, I caught this line (or something to this effect)

"I remembered a lesson from Sunday school that the harder the challenge, 

the greater the reward at the end". 

Sometimes when we feel we're onto something big, we can stand the obstacles or hurdles. I didn't really know that to be a "lesson from Sunday school" or even cultural, for that matter. I just thought that's the way things are. Now I know. I do feel that way. I am challenged every day. But I know I am supposed to be here. And I know that the benefits, whether to me or others, will be worth every second.  I am here, I am committed, and most of all, I am ready.

Now, I may from time to time need to be reminded of that, but I've also learned how to do that, too. And it starts like this:

Thank you, God for giving me this opportunity to learn and grow in your name and Holy Spirit. Please give me the strength and courage to do what I'm supposed to do. Even it that's really not "doing" anything. Amen. 

*Southern people are known for being polite, hospitable and respectful, but we're also known for being a little bit hostile if we feel that we've been disrespected or mistreated. I think that's why we're always so nice to each other. It's safer that way :-)

It Always Amazes Me...

So many amazing things happen to me. Sometimes, when I am drafting an angry response to an unsavory political article I've just read, the power goes out.

Hhhhmmmm. Guess I wasn't supposed to say that. OK.

Sometimes when I'm drafting a blog post, I hit one key and the entire thing disappears. 

Hhhhmmmm. Yep. Wasn't supposed to keep working on that one....

maybe I shouldn't talk about that.

Sometimes when I'm sharing something possibly incendiary on Facebook...BOOP! My computer locks up.

Hhhhmmmm. Charlotte, that might have been too contentious to post.

No need to incite an argument or polarize your friends. 

Yes, the power goes out regularly here...well, not really, but enough so that it's not a surprise or big deal when it does go out. My American formatted computer does some fun things when interfacing with certain programs or providers. I'm sure there are other reasons for my occasional losses...

But what has constantly amazed me is that whatever is lost, whatever disappears, or whatever I don't get to finish at the time is never something of serious importance. I never feel the sting of loss after it happens. 

I'm glad to know that it's not worth getting worked up over the little things. 

I am happy to stay in a state of constant amazement that even when something disappears, something more important is saved. 

Maybe it's my face.