Little by Little

I am free, no matter what rules surround me.

If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. 

I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.

Robert Heinlein

My sweet daughter's paternal grandfather was often heard to say "hard heads make for soft asses". A little rough, maybe, but I've always remembered that phrase...maybe because I have one of the hardest heads in the history of hard heads; figuratively and literally! (when I was quite younger, my brother and I often head-butted each other just to make sure)

The meaning of the phrase makes a lot of sense; it means that if you're led by your hard head, you're going to get kicked in the ass frequently, making it soft and mushy. ha ha. Yes, but not really. It's sometimes hard to determine if I'm making a decision because of my hard-headed stubborn ways, or if I'm just standing up for what I believe in. I'm not sure there's a big difference, except in the results.

When my actions are based on simple hard-headedness, yes, I feel those swift kicks to my rear...but when I'm standing up for what I believe in, there's a certain peace and I receive encouragement and support from places I never expected.

Having a hard head makes it easier to stand up for your beliefs. Those of us who feel related to mules often have a resilience and stamina that's hard to match - we're accustomed to those swift kicks in the rear, so it makes little difference to us if it'll happen again. The good news is that when we're being stubborn about something that matters, the results offer an inspiration to many people who aren't related to mules. That sounds a bit like empowerment.

The last time I was given an ultimatum (October 1987), I, of course, didn't comply with the request of the deliverer. In a somewhat similar situation again, 25 years later, I continue to follow the proven course of action. I followed my heart and led with my hard head.

I am well aware that things may be harder; in the short term. I am also aware that things will be markedly better, too.

I already feel a peace and relief from serious pressure...the song Little by Little by Robert Plant just popped into my head - I can breathe again.

Never in my life have I ever had a true opportunity to just be, to be free, to experience new things without worrying how they'd benefit me, my family or my future. In other words, I'm going to do what many people do right after college or in between jobs. I'm going to breathe. I'm going to experience something new. And I will go forth into my future with love, joy and fortified by many years of experience whose lessons have taught me what it really important.

Little by little, I can breathe again. And oh, how I am ready.