Selling Ourselves Short

I saw this posted this on Facebook the other day.

The funny thing is, my initial reaction was to giggle and to "like" it, but mere seconds later, I realized what a horrible message this post promotes.

The first horrible message is the word "whore" itself. Does it mean somebody who charges for sexual services? Does it mean a "loose woman" with no morals who "slept around"? Who, exactly, was really a whore in HIGH SCHOOL? As a middle-aged adult, I know that regardless of how mature and worldly high school kids think they are, they are CHILDREN; possibly misguided, abused, confused, hurting, neglected - or maybe they're just teenagers!. We don't know what could possess an adult to consider a child a whore, but the idea that it's even possible to slap such an ugly label on a child is more than a bit unsettling to me.

The following reflection is based on three main points. The first is that kids in high school are children. The second is the idea that "damaged" people have no right to find solace in the love of Christ the Lord. The last is a plea for us to consider how we choose to operate in this world.

First of all, kids in high school are children. Older children, yes, but all the same children who are trying to find their place in a world that is often confusing, full of contradictions, and rife with hormonal changes and cellular growth. It is not only cruel to label a human being with such inescapable baggage, but it does absolutely nothing to promote healthy attitudes towards girls and women. For an adult to reflect on high school days and think for a moment that a teen-aged child was actually a whore speaks less about the "whore" and more to a backwards perspective that hurts women. Such a meme shouts judgement in support of a patriarchal worldview that seeks to keep those of the female persuasion in the "right place". Growing up is hard for everybody and it's especially hard for girls who are exposed, on a regular basis, to conflicting ideas about what it means to be a female. Whore? Hardly. Please think again.

As an adult who suffered through myriad instances of name-calling, shaming, and out right detestation from my peers during the high school years (and even before), I know that the only thing that got me through so many days of pain was my faith in God. How dare the blessings and grace of our Lord and Savior be denied to those who need it most! As an adult, I've known many women who also suffered through bad reputations as children/teenagers. One of the commonalities we all share is related to the notion of Love; love we lacked, love we didn't know how to manage, love that hurt, love that didn't seem like love at all, but we were told it was,.. Most of us were hurting. Most of us, knowingly or not, contributed to the arsenal of stones that would be used against us - we can see in this meme that it's not only bad to be a whore, but it's bad to repent, too - should we be thrown away? Are we that damaged and useless? I believe not. Love is a very powerful force. How can we expect children, teenagers particularly, to deftly manage the weight of such a powerful and life changing gift? Of course the people who were once labeled as "whores" post Bible verses now - they (we) know the taste of the water Christ offered at the well.  We know who saved our lives. We know the debt we owe. Do you?

Finally, as adults we can choose how we'll operate in this world. We can choose whether we want to spend our days hurting people or loving people. Hopefully as adults. we know that there are ways of being that cause pain, just as we know there are ways that can lessen it. Which path do we choose to take?

I'm going to close with a story.

One evening I was out with a friend who, like me, has a colorful past. She and I both have chosen the path we'll tread as adults and we try, with all of our human capabilities, to live with integrity - even in the face of our very human failings and struggles.

We had gone to a small cafe and chatted about our day when my attention directly shifted onto two very average, and even homely, looking young women. They were in their early twenties, at best.

They were chatting with a couple of "bule" (white foreigners) who happened to be men. She asked me if I thought those girls were pretty and wondered aloud why two "bule" like that would take an interest in them.

The phenomenon of local Indonesian girls and women actively seeking out "bule" men for the opportunity to improve their lot in life is a subject of regular contextual reflection.

The young women were dressed as if they had stepped out of a Salvation Army phone center - they weren't dressed the part to be out looking for men. My interest was piqued and from this point on, I paid attention.

What I witnessed was a business exchange. I saw their "pimp", I watched the deal go down, and I've watched enough TV to know what had transpired. I had never seen such a thing in "real life" and I was shamefully excited, I must admit - I'd never seen it before! It DOES happen! Moments later the entourage was no longer there.

Later that night I saw the same young women again; different place, different pairings. One of them was dangerously drunk (or something), so I reached out to them; being drunk to the point of incoherence is not a good thing to be in a crowded dance club. I talked to them as if they were "normal" women. I didn't treat them like low-grade whores. I interacted with them like the sisters they were.

If they were in their early twenties, that would be dreamy, but it now appeared that the very drunk one may have been all of 18 years old,

My friend asked me how I could speak to "women like that". I asked her how many friendly faces did she think those young women experienced on a daily basis, especially from other women? We reflected on our own lives and thought again, together.

As with before, the young women were once again gone.

I have no doubt that those two young women had little to no say in their situation. I am sure that their options in life were limited and that their vulnerability was exploited. I could not and cannot save them, but I can show them kindness and treat them with love and respect. That's what we are called to do as Christians.

When we throw the word "whore" around, we contribute to a system of values that dehumanizes women and perpetuates a cycle of pain that only a privileged few can escape, and moreover, we disrespect and demonize those among us who are trapped in lifestyles in which they have little to no agency.

Every time I see posts about the evils of sex trafficking I think on those two young women. They are not "whores".

Choose your words wisely, but importantly, choose your path wisely. How do YOU want to operate in this world?

Will you operate with love or with damnation? Sometimes in life it feels that we have few options, but we can ALWAYS choose that.

The Love You Save, Joe Tex

I've been pushed around

I've been lost and found

I've been given til sundown 

To get out of town

I've been taken outside

And I've been brutalized

And I've had to always be the one to smile and apologize

But I ain't never

In my life before

Seen so many love affairs

Go wrong as I do today

I want you to STOP 

And find out what's wrong

Get it right

Or just leave love alone

Because the love you save today

Maybe will be your own

Reflections of a Trainwreck

Last night I watched "Trainwreck", Amy Schumer's new movie, as I do just about every movie; on a laptop.

When I first saw the movie on the shelf at the store, I thought "Yay! This'll be funny!" And then I remember.

Sometimes it seems that's just the way it is; being a woman, the unending pain of what is harmfully dubbed "Daddy issues", and the societal smack down for daring to be anything other than what you're "supposed to be". Put on your big girl panties and deal.

What would have been a fun movie (more on that later) is yet another opportunity to reflect, to remember, and hopefully, to grow.

The movie wasn't as funny as I had hoped, I, like many women, either know or have been someone very similar to Amy.

While it was amusing to see the proverbial tables turned and a woman playing the role of the user, the exploiter, and the "emotionally unavailable", I just couldn't bring myself to laugh as often as I wanted.

Those characteristics don't represent who the character of Amy is as a person, but rather they represent the ways that she deals with how she thinks the world works. They are responses by her damaged soul. There is a difference.

As I washed clothes this morning, I found myself thinking about the movie. Amy's character reflects the values of her father and unfortunately, we only see pieces of how dangerous that can be for a woman. Waking up far away from home in a stranger's house to endure the walk of shame in club clothes isn't really funny.

Being late to work due to said incident isn't really funny, either.

In real life, the copious amounts of alcohol that she drank would cause some problems - at some point, anyway - what we can do when we're young changes as we get older, especially drinking everybody except ourselves under the table. Recovery times change.

In short, I couldn't laugh as much as I wanted because I've been, or I know, women like Amy.

Just like in the movie, though, most of us manage to move on. We can straighten out, learn our lessons, and have productive lives. Or not.

In the movie, Amy's boyfriend is the recipient of a prestigious award. She is there to support him and is fully aware of how important that event is to him. During his acceptance speech, she receives texts and calls from her megalomaniac boss. "PICK UP THIS PHONE NOW OR YOU'RE FIRED"

She removes herself from the room to take the call, hurts her boyfriend Aaron not once, but twice as she stayed out even longer to smoke a joint in the window.

Trainwreck.

Not only would I have not taken the call, but I wouldn't have had my phone on. I would have been fired.

You see, the thing about trainwrecks is that anything on the tracks is fair game - it was the job or it was Aaron, but it was going to be something. There's no wreck if nothing is not destroyed. It will always be something.

SPOILER ALERT - DON'T READ PAST HERE IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE FILM



I wish I could have been happier that she and Aaron were able to reconcile at the end, but I couldn't. I was happy for them, I mean, but does Aaron really deserve to deal with all that?

Recovery takes time and as much as we think that loving someone will "fix everything", it doesn't. Issues like Amy's character has don't just change overnight. We seem to get so happy when the trainwreck or the excuse me, "f**k up", finds someone who makes them see the need to change.

Change isn't easy or fast and what about the person on the receiving end? What about Aaron?

Do we think that male "f**ck ups" can just change? They don't, so why should a female trainwreck?

Maybe there's nothing in the movie to lead us to believe that she will change, but the fact that she wants to try is supposed to be enough. I do find comfort in their mutual affirmation at the end that they WANT to make it work and that they are willing to make the effort. That's huge, but...

I don't think it's enough. There are too many Aarons (or Avas) in the world that naively traipse into relationships with trainwrecks or "f**k ups" and believe that they'll just change.

Maybe they can change, but the idea that lifelong programming can be changed by the love of another person is dangerous. It's hurt countless women and now, showing that women can be the same, we risk not only spreading a disease of naivety that feeds toxic relationships, but also unconsciously treating it as normal.

Trainwreck.

I appreciate the film and I appreciate the female characters. It's important to see women in roles that are typically given to men. Yay! Women can be "f**ck ups" too!

I guess I just expected more. Unfortunately, it's the same ol' trope turned into a comedy. See, sisters, we can be the same! Yes, indeed, we ARE the same. And that shouldn't be something to laugh about.

When I was in my early twenties and found myself reeling from being on the receiving end of yet another male "f**k up", I played with the idea of being the same, but I had an epiphany. The people, male and female, who are hurt by trainwrecks and "f**k ups" don't deserve it. The people who DO deserve it can't be hurt, so how do we want to proceed? By hurting people (Aaron) who don't deserve it, or trying to make that change?

I don't wish for Amy's character to be a martyr, particularly, but our society has GOT to move past the tit-for-tat fixes of the goose and gander. It's not good for the goose, and it's not good for the gander.

It's the 21st century and it's time for a change. Amy's character, like the myriad male characters before her, has issues. And those don't just go away when a nice person who deserves love, respect, and honesty comes along to save the day. It just doesn't work that way and we need to stop thinking that it does.

It hurts everybody - trainwrecks, "f**k ups", and anything that happens to be on the track.

And that's not really funny.