It seems that I've been swimming around a bit in a pool of despair, tangled in the groping vines of victimhood, and flailing amidst ideas of incompetence and defeat.
That sounds fun and productive, doesn't it? (especially considering that I'm happier, in many ways, than I've ever been and have more to be grateful for than at almost any other time in my life)
So what was wrong?
In looking back, it seems that I've never had trouble relying on my faith to get me through tough times - in fact, I am so sure of my faith when times are hard that it seems to others, maybe, that I just barrel through, recklessly and determined. During those times, it's not me, it's faith that carries me.
Why then, when times are NOT tough, but in fact happy, safe, and stable, that I struggle? Is it as if I only rely on God and my faith when I should otherwise be terrified, but as soon as things are fine and straight that I think "I've got this now, thanks"... and then I don't.
This creates a vicious cycle of entitlement and responsibility that somehow manages to relegate faith to a service position, a back-up plan, of sorts, rather than constantly maintaining God's position as the driver and the One who is truly in control.
That's not how it is and grace doesn't work like that.
God isn't sitting back waiting for us to fail or to be in a position of need before He grabs us. He has us everyday, all the time, but why is it so much easier to rely on His hand when we're in trouble?
Is it pride? Is it that American work ethic that says "I'll do all I can to hold up my end, but I know you're there if I need you"?
What is it?
After a bit of reflection, I'm thinking that maybe it is that the grace of God is beyond human comprehension. Even when we KNOW we don't earn it, we still think we have to do something to honor it. (I didn't say honor God, I said honor the concept of grace)
So, while I was busy whining to myself that I'm not working (not making an income, but not even permitted to work because of the kind of governmental permission I have to even be here), living outside the bounds of "community" (for a multitude of reasons), and even worrying myself to death that I'm going to turn into a pumpkin again because there are too many good things to eat, I lost sight of the most important gifts that led to a comfortable place, albeit a place where doubt and self-pity can sneak in to wreak havoc.
So instead of focusing my energy towards the negatives I can create, I'm going to focus on my beautiful life. I'm going to be thankful and full of gratitude and compassion, but most of all, I'm going to remember that God not only has me when the going is rough and hard, but when life is, indeed, beautiful.
I will follow in happiness as strongly as I have when I should have been terrified. The love of God and His supreme grace always have me. I trust His will and will not worry in my joy anymore than I worried in my fear.
Amen and thanks be to God.
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