Love is Not a Game

Ah. Valentine's Day! For me, everyday is Valentine's Day, just like every day is Thanksgiving. My life is nothing if not for being thankful and full of love every day; that's just the way it is since I left every person I loved, everything that made me feel safe and comfortable, and everything known and understandable to go to the other side of the globe...and even beneath the equator. I have no room to take anything, and I do mean anything, for granted.

The history of Valentine's Day is murky, at best, but based on a compilation of some things I've read, one common theme is that a priest went against the order of a Roman emperor and married couples. He was sentenced to death. His name? Valentine.

Valentine's Day is a lovely time to demonstrate appreciation for the one you love. It's a great time to show appreciation for anybody, platonic friends, as well. As we tend to celebrate now, Valentine's Day is a celebration of love.

Sometimes, however, showing love and appreciation threatens the status quo, can seem shameful, or is even dangerous. Saint Valentine is a reminder of that. It is in that spirit that I continue to write on Valentine's Day.

Two years ago, a handwritten Valentine I wrote was xeroxed and sent all over Indonesia. The intention, I believe, was to shame the recipient, as well as me. Neither of us found out that this had happened until months afterwards. The note had been taken or stolen, whichever word you prefer, and was only recovered again last summer. This post is not about the note or anything related to its origins or even why it was widely (it seems) distributed, but about the options we had, the recipient and I, to respond to the love it professed.

There were two main options. The first, to pretend as if it was nothing. Lie. Pretend. A game. Silliness. That would have saved face and made people comfortable; temporarily, at least. The second would have been as simple and as dishonest. I could have gone back to the US; I was only playing, got in trouble, so I pick up my toys and go home.

The problem is that those two options would either justify a very nasty cultural norm or reinforce a very nasty stereotype.

The cultural norm is objectification. By pretending that it was just a silly game, an unimportant fling, or just for fun, that would not only reflect serious self-centered behavior, bravado, and a lack of compassion, but would also reiterate the belief that we should use other people and get what we want/need from them. "Just for fun" excuses the objectification of another person as a mere plaything, a diversion, a toy.

The second is based on privilege. Many people who visit another country, even to live and/or work, know that they can always leave whenever the fun stops. When they no longer get what they want, times get tough, they're no longer having fun, or are just ready to call it a day, they (we) can leave. What that reinforces is privilege. A history of exploiting others. A history of not truly being committed to others or activities because "this is just an adventure for me". OK - I've had my fun now - I'm leaving. OK - I've gotten what I came for - I'm leaving.

Neither of those were options. We didn't want to play that game. We chose to be honest. We tried to handle the situation as responsibly, honorably, and honestly as possible.

It's easy to lay blame. Anybody can do it anytime. Everybody can feel justified. Love isn't about that. It's patient. It's kind. It doesn't delight in wrongness. We're all human and we just do the best we can, as we can.

So, in closing, I just want to share that love is not a game. It's not a word to use as a tool to get what we want. It's not an excuse to be reckless, inconsiderate, and selfish. It's not an excuse to hurt people because, after all, "you love" them.

So today, on this day of love born out of an act of defiance, let us remember that there is no fear in love. We are called to love one another. Love is not a game, an excuse, or a diversion.

Love is more than an emotion, it is a decision. (C. S. Lewis)

It is our highest calling.

Happy Valentine's Day.