Talking to a (Facebook) Wall

Sometimes it seems that no matter what we say, how much we explain, share, show, describe and specify, some people just cannot understand what we're trying to say.

It's frustrating for many reasons, but most of all, it's frustrating because the message never gets across. It hits a wall of assumption and bounces around in the ears of a "listener" who is not trying to hear, but who is working diligently to fit whatever is said into a box labeled "already know" or worse, fitting your experiences and/or feelings into their paradigm of absolutes.

Absolutes come in handy, maybe, if you're a child. Children are new to so many things and it's important that they can translate the heat from an iron to the dangers of a hot stove top. Children need to learn how "good" behavior and "bad" behavior are different. They need to begin developing a sense of "right" and "wrong".

When we become adults, however, especially educated adults, we need to be aware of not only filters and presumptions, but also "absolutist thinking". We need to set it all aside when listening to another person. The differences between what we've experienced and what we haven't, as well as the differences between what we "know" or believe with what we're unfamiliar, can become fertile soil. It's within that cultivated mental earth that growth can occur.

Facebook is a great place to share ideas, to learn something new, to see something from a different perspective, but it can also be a place to confirm what we think we already know.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of "absolutes". I didn't really know that right/wrong, good/bad, yes/no were labeled as such, but in some places and with some people, that's the extent of their mental capacity. They just can't imagine a scenario that is anything other than black or white, right or wrong, good or bad. Additionally, many people can't hear what is shared beyond their idea of who the deliverer is "Oh, an American said that...", "oh, that's just a student...", "oh, they don't have a "real" job..."

I can't judge them even though I know I do, but it's frustrating when complex ideas are ignored because they don't fit into one of those neat boxes that people carry around when they "listen" to others. Am I making somebody think too hard? Lord have mercy I hope so - maybe one of us can come away with a new idea. Maybe even an idea of how to speak more simply.

Can you imagine that quality of listening in an academic environment? Would anybody ever learn anything since they already "know"? I love the 5 Ws and big H. Where? When? Who? Why? What? How? Those questions can form the foundation for learning and growth...and they can shatter the illusion of absolutes.

Some people have a hard time speaking in front of groups. We often think about speaking as being so difficult, but for many people, listening is the hard part.

To be a good listener, we open not only our ears, but our hearts and minds. We try to get out of ourselves for a minute; put our "self" to the side, sit on the bench.

I want to be a better listener. How about you?