New Year's Eve Reflection

Music has always been a foundation for me. It's been my go to source of comfort for many years...as I've said before, it often goes hand in hand with my faith and my relationship with God.

As is typical for me here, I am in a constant state of confusion. Contradictions abound and it often seems as if the only way to make peace here is to conform to behaviors that are antithetical to what I believe; dishonesty, objectifying others, making assumptions...these things are negative to most Western people, but here they don't seem to have the connotations that we (Westerners) employ for them...so...internal conflict. Having this awareness threatens to pull me back into a realm of cynicism from which I thought I was permanently free.

Anyway, this morning I bowed my head into deep and serious prayer.

"Dear Lord, please help me. I need you. I'm slipping. Please take me up. Please don't let me fall into negative thinking, hatefulness and prejudice. Please" 

I prayed that over and over until I felt His hand.

Then I turned on my iTunes. Shuffle. The first song that played, Light My Way from Audioslave.

And I'm tired and depressed 

And when my mind goes astray 

Won't you light my way 

Don't save it for another day 

Won't you light my way 

Thank You. I thought You heard my plea. The second song? Red Hot Chili Peppers. We Believe.

To see the bird without a care

For in a word it's nice out there

In a tree my mama bear

Will be all right with proper care

Hey hey, hey

Boomerang into a bigger bang

A little cry of love because they cannot sing

The motive, the measure

The purpose, the pleasure

The risk, is it worth it?

The disc, is it perfect?

I found you amongst them

The flower with young stem

Disparage, the broken

We Believe

That was nice. The last song that was in the message rotation was Blood Red Skies by Judas Priest. I knew this was the last one because the timbre had changed. This one is a pick and choose for meaning. But the point?

If that's my destiny, it'll have to be

So I'll face the future

Running out of time

I'm on the line

But I'll go down fighting

Felt the hand of justice

Telling wrong from right

Threw me out upon the street in the middle of the night

Never surrender

As the sun goes down

I won't give in to fear

2012 was a difficult one for me; many beliefs, much trust and openness, much of my capacity to love was challenged. I regret none of my decisions. I know that I do things that rock the status quo. I believe I'm supposed to do that. I believe that sometimes we get stuck in ruts from which we can't escape until we learn that we can. Some people have to get out the rut to show others. We never have to live in ways that are imposed upon us and cause pain...and we are never, ever, ever supposed to accept, without question, institutions that are supposed to provide a place of refuge for the broken or love and safety for the members to be used to hide abuse, exact human-initiated punishments and impose the maintenance of a status quo that is fortified and strengthened through fear, judgement, and threats.

As human beings, we're not perfect. To assume that we can be is the height of arrogance. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to feel hurt...but more than that, I don't want others to feel that way either. And I'm not tired yet.

My Charlie Brown Christmas Tree

As many of my friends in the US know, the season of Christmas is my favorite of the year. I love the festivities, the special music at church, thoughtfully selecting just the right gift for friends and loved ones, as well as splurging on those I don't know whose names were taken from an angel tree or other similar place,  and certainly, my Christmas tree.

My collection of ornaments include old ones from my childhood, Azze's ornaments from her childhood, and many cool and unique ones I've picked up over the 20+ years of being an adult. In addition to the sentimental ornaments and the Christian inspired ones that fill the branches of my trees each year, I've amassed a collection of animals - owls, a giraffe, a tiger, frogs, a gorilla, parrots, animals of beaten, colored tin from Mexico and many, many more. Creating a focal point of love in my Christmas tree has always been a favorite activity of mine...and I miss it.

My tree, Christmas, 2010

When I first moved to Charlotte in 1991, my Christmas decorations were little more than some special items on a small table with ornaments taped to the wall adorned with red ribbons, but every year after than, no matter what, we had a big ol' Christmas tree...in the early years, I would drag that big tree up the stairs to my condo, all by myself for Azze was still a little child. In short, I've had a big, beautiful, aromatic Christmas tree for 20+ years.

Last year, my first Christmas in Indonesia, I only had a bit of Christmas cheer in the form of decorations in my house, but I was OK with that. We all know the first year is the "one" that is a little different.

Decorations, 2011 (that's Javanese Jesus in the middle...)

For this year, I knew that I needed to prepare with a large houseplant that I could use. Evergreens exist here, but are a bit expensive and not quite the same as what I usually have, so flexibility is key. The plants that we in the US are accustomed to using in our homes are the ones that grow freely here, so finding something that would thrive inside the house was a challenge...a challenge to which I surrendered, I might add, because I had experienced failure a few times and I don't like playing with living things that way. I decided to buy something this year and call it good.

The trees I see most here are artificial with balls and garlands. There are some exceptions that are unique and creative, but in the rare instance when I see a tree, because they are artificial with no "sentimental" decorations, they usually are not what I think of when I think of a tree.

A tree made of coconut husks in a very popular store...a refreshingly thoughtful interpretation

This year, I looked around a bit for a real tree or plant that would survive inside for the month. In addition to being a bit expensive, I just wasn't feeling the pull to try and make something like that work.

I saw a picture on Facebook of a very simple decoration, 4 or 5 limbs attached to a wall with lights and some simple decorations. I thought it perfect - I'd try that.

Scavenging in the open area that is my "front yard", I collected some sticks to use. The open space in the front of my house is one of my favorite things about being here and since this is the last Christmas I'll spend in this house, I thought it appropriate to use things from around here.

The beautiful cluster of bamboo trees in front of my house, gazed upon lovingly by my friends Kelly and her husband, Ganda.

Sometimes when we can't have exactly what we'd like (I'm not rolling in money this year, so I'm employing a little known tactic of financial restraint this season) we have to think of creative ways to express what we need to express in alternative ways.

After the sticks I collected were assembled, I thought that just attaching them to the wall insufficient. Why not a standing, 3D tree? No green, of course, but at least the shape could be there. Soon, with the help of my very best friend, I had a dimensional "tree"...

Isn't that a sweet "tree"?

Such a "tree" as this can't handle a lot of heavy decorations, not in weight, but in principle. I had put together some little paper ornaments from batik wrapping paper and used them first...I took some paper plates that I used for gatherings last year and assembled a tree topper with the thought of the star, but also the meaning of Christmas...when love came down. Picking random things from around the house and backed by a string of lights attached to the wall (I had to tape SOMETHING to the wall, after all - it just wouldn't be the same if I didn't) my "tree" became my tree...

I'll still add some green garland, maybe...but I think I'm finished. When I look at my tree, I appreciate the simple things, but most of all, I appreciate what this season means to me. The gift of love upon which we Christians have built our faith. The coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, who came to save the world, not condemn the world and who told us, in no uncertain terms, God loves us.

Merry Christmas to all and may love fill our hearts this season and always.

This year, my decoration staple...adorned with tokens representing those I love and hold in my heart every day....

Sharing and Caring

Today I happily joined (for the second time) an awesome group of smart, talented and professional teachers who, in addition to those qualities, share another: They love their students.

We will get together regularly to discuss best practices, challenges, opportunities and advice to help students learn English.

Many teachers here teach at more than one place, and as a result, have a wealth of knowledge to share and much experience.

Today we talked about different ways to encourage and motivate students, as well as practical ways to respond to the varying competency levels that are often commonplace in an English language learning classroom.

One of the things that inspires me the most about this group is the sincere concern for the well-being, emotionally and intellectually, of the students. This group teaches, or has taught, students of every age, from diverse socio-economic backgrounds, and of varying competencies. One message was quite clear today: the students need to know that we care and that we love them. We're not there because we know everything or we're so awesome. We're there because we care.

And we're going to regularly spend time together to share, learn and grow so that we can do the best for our students.

Currently, I am not teaching formally in a classroom. I am committed to taking some time to improve my Bahasa Indonesia, getting a better grip on the nuances of this complex culture and developing my teaching skills.

I am so thankful for this group of people who have invited me to participate in this awesome and love-filled endeavor!

Macan. (Little Boy) TIGER!

When my cat Raden Jinjibu Kartini died from apparent rat poison a few months ago, I decided that I understood why so many people here won't get really attached to their pets like we do in America. It's a rough life here for animals. Too many things can kill them. The stories abound of dogs being poisoned, cats eating poisoned rats or poisonous frogs and dying...

Macan (front) with Kartini not too long before she died...they finally would get close to each other, though no love yet...

Today Macan died. It seemed to be poison, as well. I tried a new approach with him. Kartini had been fixed and was a bit spoiled - I tried to let Macan go natural...and spoil him as much as I could, but I thought maybe he'd have a little more immunity if I didn't tamper with his natural ways much. Oh well.

Macan came to me much as did Kartini. I wasn't looking for cats, but they found me when they were maybe 5 weeks old...Macan may have been a bit older than Kartini when he found me, but not by much. My friends and I had gone to eat and when we got out of the car, a little cat was basically screaming at me to come talk to him. I did, then left him to go eat. After I finished dinner, he was at my feet, meowing again. My friend said that I should take him home - the owner of the place handed him to me and that was that. He was a good boy, sweet and loved to be held. His little feet would just dangle and he'd nuzzle into me. Very sweet boy!

Macan had two homes - here and with my neighbors. He was well-loved and well taken care of. My neighbor, with whom I had already chatted about his sudden illness, had been nursing him with coconut water and milk. She seemed to think he was improving, but not. This evening she called me to tell me he had passed. I quickly went over and we buried him soon after.

I am very blessed with the love of my neighbors and with the sweet cats who came into my life. I think that I'll be careful about getting attached to any more animals...I hope no more want to come home with me, but if they do, I'll give them the best life I can because they deserve it, no matter how long they're here.

RIP Macan.

Peace Begins at Home...

...the Season of Advent begins on Sunday, December 2. I've got my lectionary ready and I'm preparing my heart for this lovely season of gratitude, grace and The Word made flesh.

As a part of my preparation, I have to get my heart right, but I've been having some trouble. Even though I feel less stressed than I've felt in a couple of years, and even though I am happy and see a bright future, I'm having trouble letting go of the past to fully embrace my future.

Throwing Out the Trash

Now at the ripe age of 44, I can happily report that my regrets are few. Sure, I've made decisions with consequences completely incomprehensible for some, but I have no regrets about those. The only thing to this day that I can actually say I regret is the way that I treated two friends; one when I was about 16 or 17 and one when I was about 27 or 28.

She was like a sister to me. I loved her so much. A little younger, I was kind of like a big sister. When she made some friends that I didn't think were "good enough" for her, I gave her hell. Yep. Purely. "What are you doing with those people? They're not..." fill in the rest with all kinds of socio-economic status BS and anything else ugly, I said it. Over and over. Harassment is the correct term. It ruined our friendship. We never rebuilt it. Of course, we stayed friends over some humps and bumps, but we lost what we had. And it was my fault.

The second person is also like a sister to me. She helped me so much as I struggled through college as a single-parent. We were friends and she often babysat my daughter. Without her, my college years would have been markedly different. I knew when my daughter was with her and her family, she was loved and well-taken care of. That's something that can't be bought, borrowed or stolen and I am forever grateful. Some time passed and my friend and her husband were having trouble. Shortly before they separated and divorced, she was involved in an affair. As a newly married and optimistic wife, I couldn't deal with the misery and strife in her life. I distanced myself...for years.

These two tragedies show that I let people go, nay, I cast them off and threw them away, like things not people.

I never paused to think that my "little sister's" new friends might be awesome. 

I never stopped for a minute to think that maybe my friend's husband had been physically and emotionally abusive throughout the entirety of her marriage and she was in pain.

The bottom line contains two segments.

First, I had no compassion for two people I loved. I had no capacity for understanding. No ability to reach beyond myself and no comprehension of what loving someone means. They did something I didn't agree with and that was it. And it was it. I treated two people I loved like family like trash. I've since apologized, but the damage is done. When someone in your heart and life "throws you away", it can never be the same.

Second, my friends did NOTHING to harm me, hurt me, violate me or in any way abuse me. They simply chose to do something that I didn't believe in, even though it was actually none of my business and had no impact on me whatsoever. In the position of judge, I overstepped my boundaries as friend and confidante. I was wrong.

I was wrong.

When I chose to leave home; my daughter, family, friends and community, it wasn't because I was out for some adventure. Most people who know me know I would've headed south if adventure was what I wanted. I discerned a call to come to Indonesia. I prayed. I reflected. I read. I followed. And I continue to do so. 

I believed that I was entering into relationship. I thought I was nurtured in the binds of mutuality and accountability. I'm not perfect, but I did expect that if I made a mistake, real or perceived, somebody would at least ask me what I was thinking. Why did I do it? I'm a responsible, usually respectful person. If I do something weird or out of character, wouldn't you think somebody would try to find out why? I anticipated an opportunity. An opportunity to share. To shed light on something really ugly that I uncovered and brought to light. But no.

The weight of social angst pressed down. People I thought were friends were gone. What I thought to be a relationship was really just a position. And I was no better than trash. Thankfully or unfortunately (depending on your perspective) I understand it all, because I've done it, too.

But I was wrong.

The Opportunity

Love people, use things. Not the other way around.

I've developed a whole new sense of compassion. I thought I pretty much knew everything; safe in my solid values, beliefs and social traditions.

We are all just human beings. None of us are perfect. There are things that we (culturally) agree on that are always wrong and that makes is easier to dwell upon our assumed plateau of inspired perfection.

But when we are free to realize our humanity - to embrace it, to move beyond labels and perceptions, the rights and wrongs, the expectations and judgment, we are more free to share love. And we are also more free to receive the gift of God's grace. We can understand the significance of The Word made flesh.

Being human is not easy. We are an imperfect lot. We've been called to love God with all our heart, mind and strength and to love our neighbor as ourselves. If it were an easy thing to do, I believe Jesus wouldn't have spent so much time focusing on it. The fact is it's hard, but it's not impossible.

That's what I'm going to focus on this Advent season:  how I can be a part of building the kingdom based on love right here. It begins with kindness. It is not selfish or arrogant. And it never rejoices in the wrong. So I'm not going to focus on the wrong.

Not my wrong, not your wrong, not their wrong.

I'm going to focus on the light of love. And The Word made flesh.

With Gratitude

I decided that maybe if I entitled this anything remotely sounding Thanksgiving-y, it might be overkill...I've already read how some Facebook friends are tired of reading the "daily thankful" messages that have been so popular this month. However, I am in great need of cultivating some gratitude and I'm going to do it. Right here.

There are so many things for which I'm thankful...from the simple to the significant...I'm going to list as many things as I can think of...and I'm not going to sit here for 5 hours, so I may miss something, but these are a few of my favorite things (and people)

Kamar mandi. This is the name for bathrooms in Indonesia. There is a big thing for water. You take baths by pouring the water over you with a scooper. The traditional way has no hot water, no warm water...just regular. And it can be COLD. But it's fresh. My skin has never felt better! I LOVE my kamar mandi...one day I'll do a blog with all the different kinds of kamar mandi, from very simple to ornate...but for now, this is mine. I've scrubbed it on my hands and knees with a brush, but that sharp volcano dust doesn't want to budge. Had anybody told me that I'd LOVE a cold bath, I would have never believed it. Here it is common to bathe at least twice a day (it's even worked into day long meeting agendas) It's a ritual and it's a great one. I love it. And I'm thankful

Along the same lines as the kamar mandi, houses here are predominantly tile. If you don't have a bunch of clutter, cleaning is EASY and fun. You can slosh water everywhere and it's wonderful. Because I love to play in water - can't wash dishes without making a nice, wet mess - things that used to be a pain are now fun! I love all the tiles. I'm thankful for being able to maintain and clean and wonderful dwelling. 

I love the chickens that run free in the streets and everywhere. They make me happy and I'm thankful

I am thankful for the weather. It's never too hot or too cold, but it gets close to each one

I am thankful for the opportunity to share with wonderful people and to experience the beauty of God's love with a very special group of people

I am thankful for my neighbors who know me through and through and love me. They treat me like family and I am grateful for them.

I am thankful for the ability to buy delicious food, toiletries and household items for prices that are reasonable, if not absolutely too much so.

I am thankful for the opportunities to learn the language and to understand the culture better.

I am thankful for a stable internet connection when I have one

I am thankful for a cool cell phone that hasn't broken or done weird things

I am thankful that I've developed an appreciation for "sepak bola" (soccer) Viva Real Madrid! 

I'm thankful for the three wonderful cats that found me and loved me. They have enriched my life and Kartini, may she rest in peace, will forever hold a place in my heart. Siddhartha disappeared and never came back, but I hope that he is happy or at least that he didn't suffer.  Macan is a little wild boy with lots of friends and love - he comes for a little affection and then hits the road for more adventures...unfortunately, the only picture I have of him is of his unbelievably big sabre-teeth...he kind of looks like Kartini but without the white...and his head is bigger.

I am thankful for the delicious coffee that begins each day

I am thankful for my bicycle

I am thankful for the wonderful tailor who has made me beautiful things to wear and for the one who alters other things so that I can wear them

Now I'm going to close with some very serious things and call it a day. 

I am thankful for my health. Since I have been here, I had an upset stomach one day and a cold/flu...and that's all. That's what I'd have at home in 2 years with the love of God to keep me. I am thankful for my health.

I am thankful for my neighbors. They love me and make me feel so comfortable. I love them like family and I am thankful.

I am thankful for the family and friends who have been a constant source of encouragement, love and compassion. I have seen the Grace of God and I know His people. I am thankful.

I am thankful for my daughter who continues to amaze me with her determination, thoughtfulness and overall awesomeness. She is a blessing to me!

I am thankful for the love of my life who has shown me how to be a better person, more compassionate, more loving and less judgmental. I know why I am in Indonesia now. And I am thankful.

Most of all, I am thankful for my relationship with God and my faith. It's not always easy and it's certainly not always comfortable, but when I see and feel His movement, I am encouraged. I am thankful for the love and strength He gives me.

May we all take a minute to be thankful and express our gratitude, if for no other reason than to remind ourselves that as long as we're breathing, we have an opportunity to live. And I mean live. I am very thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving all - may yours be blessed with the love of friends and family, the warmth of grace and compassion, and the fun and food of the day. God bless you all. 

Power, Expectations, Reciprocity...and LOVE

In a recent post, I talked about how people view others to determine their "appropriateness" or even worth, and how the culturally determined methods to do that, in both the US and here in Indonesia, are the wrong ways. For instance, in the US, a person's value is how "good" or "bad" they are. Here, it's how well a person performs the functions society deems appropriate for such a person.

I posited that we shouldn't value others on what they do or don't do, who they are or aren't, but we should love others as we love ourselves and even to "Do Unto Others As We Would Have Done Unto Ourselves".

However, upon further consideration, I thought about some other things. For instance, do we treat others with love because we expect them to do something specific for us based on our "love" action? Additionally, do we treat others with some concept of reaping what we sow, or other karmaic idea of reciprocity? I would opine, if so, that both of these are wrong (a very Western concept, too, maybe...right or wrong...good or bad, black or white, but please...bear with me) as well.

So, maybe I was mixing some things...how we assign value to other people and how we treat other people, are very different things, but my point was that in all things, love should be the foundation.

Love is not love if it is attached to ideas of expectations, reciprocity or ANY idea of "return on investment".
Therefore, when we treat others with love, real love, we are giving something freely with absolutely no preconceived notion of what we'll get in return. If we're thinking any other way, then we are not acting with love, but with self-serving ideas of what we're going to get in return for our actions.

Apparently the "Do Unto Others" model is the basis for much philosophical discourse based on just those assumptions. (a simple Google search of the topic will yield results to read; there are just too many for me to list here) For instance, do unto others because WE WANT them to do something for us? (expectation based) Do unto others SO THAT they will do the same for you? (reciprocity based)

I will say now - and I believe it's the way. We treat others the way that we want them to treat us. Period. We're not concerned with how they treat us in return. We're not concerned with what we may or may not get out of the deal. We are talking about a one-way street. How would I want to be treated? I will treat them that way. I believe that's the beginning. And I also believe it's the end. Give without expectations. Love without measure.

If we're not doing that, then what, exactly, are we doing?

(thanks to my soul mate who happens to be quite philosophical and will humor me by serving as the devil's advocate)