Where Talk is Cheap, Honesty Comes at a Premium

...or as a former employer often, often said "Ooooh - that kind of development is cost prohibitive. We can't do that." He meant that the cost outweighs the benefit and therefore, couldn't reasonably be done, but what he really meant was that he didn't place a value on whatever he deemed "cost prohibitive". That excuse never flew with me because the money he wasted on trifling things would have more than covered those deemed "cost prohibitive".

In short, there's no way to hide your values. Be prepared to live with them or don't have them at all.

Today marks the 5th year that I have been in Indonesia. I arrived in the morning on January 20 after 3 days of travel time; two layovers of 11.5 hours lengthened the trip, but on the first, I was able to wander around Frankfurt, Germany's historic district and that was a good thing.

I've been trying to think of what to say about these 5 years for a while and I honestly don't know. There's too much and I constantly sift out anything remotely negative.

Growing up in the South, there was never a shortage of "outsiders" complaining about it. "Why is everything closed on Sunday??" "You don't have any good music here" "Why are there no bagels anywhere?" "Why do you talk like that?" "None of you people are really educated..." "The South is so backwards"

In addition to fighting off self-loathing and questioning the validity of such negativity, the easiest thing to do was to say "Well, if you don't like it, leave." "The road that brought you will take you back." "Don't let the screen door hit you where the good Lord split you"

As soon as I was old enough and able, I returned to the city of my birth to reclaim "my territory", but even there the questions to determine the validity of such came in the loaded question "where'd you go to high school?"

It would be easy, then, to say that I've never really felt like a had a place, so I don't feel much more out of place here than anywhere, but one thing's for sure: life just ain't the same when you can't just blend into the crowd. I have a brand new awareness for what it means to stand out based on skin color alone. Anybody who doesn't think that microaggressions and assumptions deny human dignity has never experienced it - it doesn't have to be mean, it's just that nothing needs to be discussed or understood because everybody already knows (and by that I mean they THINK they know)

What happens in the US happens all over the world, I'm sure. It's the same, but different. If I go on about that any longer I'll be writing a chapter of the book I should write and not just a blog post, so I'll leave it at that.

Over the past 5 years, I've been faced with opportunities and challenges to live my faith, test my values, and remember who I am.

My five year reflection is as follows:

- living in accord with values is not easy
- nothing makes you know who you are faster than knowing who you're not
- no matter where you go, there you are

The American values of hard work, perseverance, freedom, independence, and honesty may very well be a recipe for disaster outside the American context, but I guess I'll find that out when the time comes. Right now, I'll just keep on keeping on in faith and with love, as best I can.

There's a city in my mind

Come on and take that ride

It's all right

Road to Nowhere -  Talking Heads

Christmas. The End of "Should"

Perhaps it's a sad thing that the strongest lesson I've learned over the past five years isn't anything pretty or shiny - it's rather ugly, but I surely am thankful to have received it.

I want to talk about blame. I want to talk about punishment. I want to talk about people getting what they deserve.

...BUT wait...this is Christmas, you say. Why are you going to talk about that depressing stuff again, Charlotte?

Because Christmas - the birth of our Savior - ended that cycle. Let me take that back - it was SUPPOSED to end that cycle; the cycle of scapegoating, blame, and punishment.

Let's think for a second.

Mary SHOULD have been stoned, you think? She was a young, unmarried, woman...it took some angels and a BIG star to get people to realize that she wasn't just pregnant with any ol' baby, but a savior. I want to know why she didn't get "what she deserved" sooner....how did that happen? Is that why she was so far from home and had to journey back to register? Did she have to go away so that no one would know?

What about Joseph? He SHOULD have left her high and dry - pregnant with a baby he didn't make...he SHOULD have left her.

But he didn't.

And the shepherds? The lowest of the low on the social rung? Why were they the first to know? Surely a more important person SHOULD have known first, but God chose the humble shepherds.

Christmas is a time to celebrate the birth of our Savior who turned the world of SHOULD on its nose. A King, born in a stable? He SHOULD have been born somewhere clean, warm, and surrounded by family - not with strangers in an animal enclosure...

All of those people with "no room in the inn", they SHOULD have made room for a young family with a baby on the absolute way.

God sent His Son into a world to turn it over - to rock it and make people remember that what SHOULD be isn't always the way that it IS.

Peace on earth is about remembering that we all live in the grace of God. There's no differentiation between who SHOULD be blessed and who SHOULD not - God loves His children. Each and every one. Christmas is a time to free the captives, feed the poor, and be redeemed.

If we can't let go of the desire to punish and dole out the treatment that people SHOULD get, then maybe we're not ready to celebrate the birth of a Savior who came not to condemn the world, but to save it.

Chillin' with the Gusdurians

"Gitu aja kok repot" is one of the most popular quotes from Abdurrahman Wahid, President of Indonesia from 1999 until 2001. I've heard it translated as "take it easy", but I've also seen it as "don't sweat it". I prefer the latter because it seems that in English, the closest things that reflect the intention is "Don't get your panties in a wad!" or maybe even "chill out". While those two are not particularly presidential, the English equivalent of  "don't sweat it" seems fine to me.

Affectionately known as Gus Dur, the former president was an outspoken advocate for peace and pluralism. He was a respected religious leader and scholar, humorist and humanitarian. He wrote hundreds of essays on topics ranging from the mundane, day-to-day happenings in pop culture to complex reflections on international affairs and democracy.

Gus Dur passed away in 2009, but his spirit lives on in the many intellectuals, students and scholars, as well as everyday people, who  continue to reflect on his ideas and philosophy.

One such group is the Gusdurians. The Gusdurians are a national body with local chapters and international affiliates who focus on nine, primary points of Gus Dur's thinking. These nine points are: the unity of God, humanitarianism, justice, egalitarianism, liberation, brotherhood, simplicity, noble acts/chivalry (this one is harder to translate as the Indonesian word, keksatriaan, refers to the qualities expected of a knight), and finally, local/traditional wisdom.

Gusdurians do not worship Gus Dur, but rather consider and apply his thinking to everyday life; especially in how to best serve our communities, as well as each other, acting from the foundations of our own respective religions. It is a value-based community composed primarily of students, but also a goodly portion of adults, that reflects respectful scholarship, community engagement, and empowerment, and most of all, friendship and brotherhood (and sisterhood!)  in a real-life example of pluralism and unity.

It is my honor and happiness to be a part of the Gusdurian community of Malang, Garuda, as we all seek to learn, grow, and serve together in doing what we can where we are to make the world a better place.

Over the past year, we have participated in multiple interfaith peace-building events ranging from workshops and informal group discussions to musical performances and advocacy initiatives that reflect the principles of the Gusdurians.

Gusdurians Malang leads the way by not only talking about peace, but living it, as well.

Selling Ourselves Short

I saw this posted this on Facebook the other day.

The funny thing is, my initial reaction was to giggle and to "like" it, but mere seconds later, I realized what a horrible message this post promotes.

The first horrible message is the word "whore" itself. Does it mean somebody who charges for sexual services? Does it mean a "loose woman" with no morals who "slept around"? Who, exactly, was really a whore in HIGH SCHOOL? As a middle-aged adult, I know that regardless of how mature and worldly high school kids think they are, they are CHILDREN; possibly misguided, abused, confused, hurting, neglected - or maybe they're just teenagers!. We don't know what could possess an adult to consider a child a whore, but the idea that it's even possible to slap such an ugly label on a child is more than a bit unsettling to me.

The following reflection is based on three main points. The first is that kids in high school are children. The second is the idea that "damaged" people have no right to find solace in the love of Christ the Lord. The last is a plea for us to consider how we choose to operate in this world.

First of all, kids in high school are children. Older children, yes, but all the same children who are trying to find their place in a world that is often confusing, full of contradictions, and rife with hormonal changes and cellular growth. It is not only cruel to label a human being with such inescapable baggage, but it does absolutely nothing to promote healthy attitudes towards girls and women. For an adult to reflect on high school days and think for a moment that a teen-aged child was actually a whore speaks less about the "whore" and more to a backwards perspective that hurts women. Such a meme shouts judgement in support of a patriarchal worldview that seeks to keep those of the female persuasion in the "right place". Growing up is hard for everybody and it's especially hard for girls who are exposed, on a regular basis, to conflicting ideas about what it means to be a female. Whore? Hardly. Please think again.

As an adult who suffered through myriad instances of name-calling, shaming, and out right detestation from my peers during the high school years (and even before), I know that the only thing that got me through so many days of pain was my faith in God. How dare the blessings and grace of our Lord and Savior be denied to those who need it most! As an adult, I've known many women who also suffered through bad reputations as children/teenagers. One of the commonalities we all share is related to the notion of Love; love we lacked, love we didn't know how to manage, love that hurt, love that didn't seem like love at all, but we were told it was,.. Most of us were hurting. Most of us, knowingly or not, contributed to the arsenal of stones that would be used against us - we can see in this meme that it's not only bad to be a whore, but it's bad to repent, too - should we be thrown away? Are we that damaged and useless? I believe not. Love is a very powerful force. How can we expect children, teenagers particularly, to deftly manage the weight of such a powerful and life changing gift? Of course the people who were once labeled as "whores" post Bible verses now - they (we) know the taste of the water Christ offered at the well.  We know who saved our lives. We know the debt we owe. Do you?

Finally, as adults we can choose how we'll operate in this world. We can choose whether we want to spend our days hurting people or loving people. Hopefully as adults. we know that there are ways of being that cause pain, just as we know there are ways that can lessen it. Which path do we choose to take?

I'm going to close with a story.

One evening I was out with a friend who, like me, has a colorful past. She and I both have chosen the path we'll tread as adults and we try, with all of our human capabilities, to live with integrity - even in the face of our very human failings and struggles.

We had gone to a small cafe and chatted about our day when my attention directly shifted onto two very average, and even homely, looking young women. They were in their early twenties, at best.

They were chatting with a couple of "bule" (white foreigners) who happened to be men. She asked me if I thought those girls were pretty and wondered aloud why two "bule" like that would take an interest in them.

The phenomenon of local Indonesian girls and women actively seeking out "bule" men for the opportunity to improve their lot in life is a subject of regular contextual reflection.

The young women were dressed as if they had stepped out of a Salvation Army phone center - they weren't dressed the part to be out looking for men. My interest was piqued and from this point on, I paid attention.

What I witnessed was a business exchange. I saw their "pimp", I watched the deal go down, and I've watched enough TV to know what had transpired. I had never seen such a thing in "real life" and I was shamefully excited, I must admit - I'd never seen it before! It DOES happen! Moments later the entourage was no longer there.

Later that night I saw the same young women again; different place, different pairings. One of them was dangerously drunk (or something), so I reached out to them; being drunk to the point of incoherence is not a good thing to be in a crowded dance club. I talked to them as if they were "normal" women. I didn't treat them like low-grade whores. I interacted with them like the sisters they were.

If they were in their early twenties, that would be dreamy, but it now appeared that the very drunk one may have been all of 18 years old,

My friend asked me how I could speak to "women like that". I asked her how many friendly faces did she think those young women experienced on a daily basis, especially from other women? We reflected on our own lives and thought again, together.

As with before, the young women were once again gone.

I have no doubt that those two young women had little to no say in their situation. I am sure that their options in life were limited and that their vulnerability was exploited. I could not and cannot save them, but I can show them kindness and treat them with love and respect. That's what we are called to do as Christians.

When we throw the word "whore" around, we contribute to a system of values that dehumanizes women and perpetuates a cycle of pain that only a privileged few can escape, and moreover, we disrespect and demonize those among us who are trapped in lifestyles in which they have little to no agency.

Every time I see posts about the evils of sex trafficking I think on those two young women. They are not "whores".

Choose your words wisely, but importantly, choose your path wisely. How do YOU want to operate in this world?

Will you operate with love or with damnation? Sometimes in life it feels that we have few options, but we can ALWAYS choose that.

The Love You Save, Joe Tex

I've been pushed around

I've been lost and found

I've been given til sundown 

To get out of town

I've been taken outside

And I've been brutalized

And I've had to always be the one to smile and apologize

But I ain't never

In my life before

Seen so many love affairs

Go wrong as I do today

I want you to STOP 

And find out what's wrong

Get it right

Or just leave love alone

Because the love you save today

Maybe will be your own

Reflections of a Trainwreck

Last night I watched "Trainwreck", Amy Schumer's new movie, as I do just about every movie; on a laptop.

When I first saw the movie on the shelf at the store, I thought "Yay! This'll be funny!" And then I remember.

Sometimes it seems that's just the way it is; being a woman, the unending pain of what is harmfully dubbed "Daddy issues", and the societal smack down for daring to be anything other than what you're "supposed to be". Put on your big girl panties and deal.

What would have been a fun movie (more on that later) is yet another opportunity to reflect, to remember, and hopefully, to grow.

The movie wasn't as funny as I had hoped, I, like many women, either know or have been someone very similar to Amy.

While it was amusing to see the proverbial tables turned and a woman playing the role of the user, the exploiter, and the "emotionally unavailable", I just couldn't bring myself to laugh as often as I wanted.

Those characteristics don't represent who the character of Amy is as a person, but rather they represent the ways that she deals with how she thinks the world works. They are responses by her damaged soul. There is a difference.

As I washed clothes this morning, I found myself thinking about the movie. Amy's character reflects the values of her father and unfortunately, we only see pieces of how dangerous that can be for a woman. Waking up far away from home in a stranger's house to endure the walk of shame in club clothes isn't really funny.

Being late to work due to said incident isn't really funny, either.

In real life, the copious amounts of alcohol that she drank would cause some problems - at some point, anyway - what we can do when we're young changes as we get older, especially drinking everybody except ourselves under the table. Recovery times change.

In short, I couldn't laugh as much as I wanted because I've been, or I know, women like Amy.

Just like in the movie, though, most of us manage to move on. We can straighten out, learn our lessons, and have productive lives. Or not.

In the movie, Amy's boyfriend is the recipient of a prestigious award. She is there to support him and is fully aware of how important that event is to him. During his acceptance speech, she receives texts and calls from her megalomaniac boss. "PICK UP THIS PHONE NOW OR YOU'RE FIRED"

She removes herself from the room to take the call, hurts her boyfriend Aaron not once, but twice as she stayed out even longer to smoke a joint in the window.

Trainwreck.

Not only would I have not taken the call, but I wouldn't have had my phone on. I would have been fired.

You see, the thing about trainwrecks is that anything on the tracks is fair game - it was the job or it was Aaron, but it was going to be something. There's no wreck if nothing is not destroyed. It will always be something.

SPOILER ALERT - DON'T READ PAST HERE IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE FILM



I wish I could have been happier that she and Aaron were able to reconcile at the end, but I couldn't. I was happy for them, I mean, but does Aaron really deserve to deal with all that?

Recovery takes time and as much as we think that loving someone will "fix everything", it doesn't. Issues like Amy's character has don't just change overnight. We seem to get so happy when the trainwreck or the excuse me, "f**k up", finds someone who makes them see the need to change.

Change isn't easy or fast and what about the person on the receiving end? What about Aaron?

Do we think that male "f**ck ups" can just change? They don't, so why should a female trainwreck?

Maybe there's nothing in the movie to lead us to believe that she will change, but the fact that she wants to try is supposed to be enough. I do find comfort in their mutual affirmation at the end that they WANT to make it work and that they are willing to make the effort. That's huge, but...

I don't think it's enough. There are too many Aarons (or Avas) in the world that naively traipse into relationships with trainwrecks or "f**k ups" and believe that they'll just change.

Maybe they can change, but the idea that lifelong programming can be changed by the love of another person is dangerous. It's hurt countless women and now, showing that women can be the same, we risk not only spreading a disease of naivety that feeds toxic relationships, but also unconsciously treating it as normal.

Trainwreck.

I appreciate the film and I appreciate the female characters. It's important to see women in roles that are typically given to men. Yay! Women can be "f**ck ups" too!

I guess I just expected more. Unfortunately, it's the same ol' trope turned into a comedy. See, sisters, we can be the same! Yes, indeed, we ARE the same. And that shouldn't be something to laugh about.

When I was in my early twenties and found myself reeling from being on the receiving end of yet another male "f**k up", I played with the idea of being the same, but I had an epiphany. The people, male and female, who are hurt by trainwrecks and "f**k ups" don't deserve it. The people who DO deserve it can't be hurt, so how do we want to proceed? By hurting people (Aaron) who don't deserve it, or trying to make that change?

I don't wish for Amy's character to be a martyr, particularly, but our society has GOT to move past the tit-for-tat fixes of the goose and gander. It's not good for the goose, and it's not good for the gander.

It's the 21st century and it's time for a change. Amy's character, like the myriad male characters before her, has issues. And those don't just go away when a nice person who deserves love, respect, and honesty comes along to save the day. It just doesn't work that way and we need to stop thinking that it does.

It hurts everybody - trainwrecks, "f**k ups", and anything that happens to be on the track.

And that's not really funny.

The Cat's Meow

This morning while preparing food for one of my kitties who isn't feeling well and worrying about another one who seems to be less active of late, I caught myself thinking "if they could all just be HEALTHY at the same time!"


Wouldn't that just be wonderful if everything in our lives could be perfect? We would all have jobs that paid us enough to have healthy, perfect lives - enough food, able to afford health care (for ourselves and loved ones), safe houses and neighborhoods free from industrial waste or fumes.

A perfect life of being surrounded by people who truly love and care about your well-being in a world appreciated for its natural magnificence and free from exploitation and ruin.

A world in which peace is the rule, not the exception - people are kind and understanding. An education would include the building up of our very best natures - empathy, compassion, and the knowledge necessary to make everything better - perfect - less uncomfortable and hard with no one left out.

What if we could have the most fashionable clothes, the nicest cars, belong to the best clubs - would that be perfect?

I don't think there's anything wrong, particularly, with striving for excellence - for perfection; but life is not perfect.

In pieces and fragments, we can find some semblance of what may seem perfect, but true perfection will always elude us.

Life is not perfect - there is injustice, sickness, greed, and tragedy.

Shall we spend our days lamenting what is not, indeed, perfect or do we focus on what we can do, the things that are in our control?

To love.
To listen.
To try.

This morning as I thought about my cats, I remembered that I had choices. I didn't have to take any of them in. I could have left them in the street where they began - alone and tiny. It is very likely that they wouldn't be around had that happened, but I had the choice.

I chose to try. I chose to love. And that's not always easy.

How do we know whether to try or to turn away?

I guess there's no easy answer for that, but once we make the decision, we have to do our best.

No, life isn't perfect, but if we try and listen, we may find that life can be full and rich, especially when we love as best we can.

The cat's meow? It's an old American idiom and it means something wonderful, something awesome, maybe something fashionable. What a special realization that even though life isn't perfect, I can still choose how to behave in this world! Sometimes it just takes a gentle reminder that while life isn't perfect, when we do what we can with love, even the imperfections can be a blessing. The cat's meow.

Lynch Mob

Earlier this week on Facebook, I saw a picture posted with an article from The Chronicle of Higher Education titled The Literature of Lynching. The picture was of what Billie Holiday immortalized in her song "Strange Fruit", but this picture showed an entourage of contented attendees, as well.

The crowd gathered around was full of smiling faces, likely joking with each other, and seemingly proud that those two "got what they deserved".

The photo is disturbing,  indeed, and it is something from which we mustn't turn our heads. The sustained war against our African American brothers and sisters has not ended, but it has changed in scope and focus. We must be aware of our history and in that history, perhaps we can find redemption. A new way.

Religion, race, ethnicity, class - all have been used throughout history to protect a certain concept of tradition and the accompanying social norms. The drive to punish and the collective glee that accompanies such punishment isn't, and never has been, confined to the South, regardless of what we've been led to believe about ourselves.

Hatred towards our fellow beings, however, is evil. We must shut it down.

But sometimes, it's hard to see when it's embedded in our social psyche - our institutions, traditions, and even in our families.

We like to think that evil lies in an individual or group, but evil cannot be contained so easily. If it were, by now it would surely have been eradicated through all the wars and sustained violence inherent in so many cultures.

Why do we always think that we can get rid of evil by participating in evil? Martin Luther King Jr. said that only light can drive out darkness. We know that's true, so why do we continue to struggle towards fighting evil with evil devices?

The enemy is in us all. It can't be quarantined and exterminated. It has to be vanquished in the light.

The light of love. Of compassion. Grace.

When I first looked at the picture, of course my heart dropped. The inhumanity. The sheer glee of the spectators. The air of self-righteous vindication.

Scapegoating. Violence. Blame. Fear. Hate.

I'm learning that my culture doesn't own the patent to those things. They are as much a part of being human as the abilities of reasoning and self-awareness.

When we see violence, it can be so easy to dismiss, as the onlookers at the lynching seemingly did; this isn't really violence - it's justice, those people got what they had coming to them. Good riddance. In their minds, they were doing their civic duty by ridding society of a scourge.

Mobs of people taking justice into their own hands - literally or only as support staff - can never be a good thing.

The desire to punish, to find someone one to blame, to roast the scapegoat - it's just too tempting.

And it happens all over the world.

In Indonesia in 1965, Communists were the evil to be eradicated. They had to be wiped out. Estimates range from hundreds of thousands to millions of people killed; communists, as well as sympathizers, outcasts, and undesirables - some unfortunates who just happened to be on the wrong side of public opinion at the time, too. Many more were jailed, tortured, cast out, stigmatized. Scholars, artists, academics, free thinkers, intellectuals, and even farmers,

The acts committed in 1965 were spiffed up and spun into a far-reaching and inescapable propaganda campaign that would support the new administration. History books were re-written to support the stories of the conquerors and perpetrators. Any version of events that did not comply with the official story was destroyed. Even after the movement of Reconstruction that began in 1998, the history of what really happened in 1965 remained in a state of tenuous flux.

If I've learned anything, it's that what we think we know may not be the way it really is (or was). Hate has a delicious way of making itself palatable, even to those of us who swear we don't like the taste. It's sadly not too hard to give it a try and take a bite anyway.

The words and reasons we use to "other" people, or to make people into the "other",  are varied, but the result is the same. They're not like us. Let's blame them. Let's get rid of them. Let's kill them (physically, spiritually, or even economically)

This horrific cycle, although I was aware, I didn't quite catch because I was almost sucked into it. I didn't first hate, but in the receipt of hate, I decided that they, too, were worthy of being hated....of being bad. Deserving of punishment for THEIR crimes.

Then it dawned on me - there is no end to that cycle. We can always argue about who's right, who's wrong, who DID something wrong.

We can focus on BLAME or we can focus on what to do next.

In systems that are set up to punish, re-framing and focusing on reconciliation can be challenging, if not outright impossible - but we have to try.

If we could just talk to each other.  If we could just learn to listen. If we could put our egos aside long enough to work on a solution as opposed to working on a punishment, the world could be so different.

Until we can get to that place, I'm afraid that the lynch mobs - figuratively and literally - won't be going away any time soon.

Hate breeds hate. And it has to stop..