The Long Haul

It's incredible that I haven't written a new post in almost 5 months, but it's indicative of a new awareness and a new focus - namely I need to start living my life and not torturing myself all the time trying to analyze and figure everything out. It's not gonna happen.

2015 has been wonderful and I'm thankful for the new friends and new experiences. So far I've sung by myself in front of a BUNCH of people, gotten involved in the first activity that reminds me of the kind of community I'm familiar with and comfortable in (idea based - not religion, ethnicity, locality or nationality-based), it's FINALLY hit me that I'm no longer employed (as it should - finally - it's been almost 3 years) and I'm beginning to do some things that I always wished I had time to do back in the old days when I was killing myself working 8-plus hours a day (and that was a LONG time ago, too). Now I'm doing some painting, making jewelry, and trying to sew a bit.

In addition to the personal things I've been working on this year, I've also continued to have opportunities to help graduate students with papers and articles. I'm grateful for that as it keeps me abreast of current issues and also teaches me more about things with which I've had little to no experience. I'm thankful for that.

The best thing that has happened this year is that I got to go to the US and visit my family. It was the first time in over four years. Oddly enough, it felt as if I had just left yesterday, but I had a good bit of readjusting to do once I got back here.

Try as I might, there are always things that weigh heavily on my mind. Lately it's been the stark injustices and responses we're witnessing in the US (again), the concept of peace and how it's directly related to values - cultural and personal - and today it's the death penalty.

Maybe as with many people who have a strong sense of right and wrong and an idea of justice, I was, at one time, comfortable with the death penalty. As I grew in faith and as I learned that concepts of justice differ among different groups of people, the support I once held for the death penalty began to fade. That being said, I still tried to have faith in the justice system. Even though I learned long ago that in the US, a poor man of color had a greater chance of being sentenced to death than anyone else, I falsely believed that things were changing and that our justice system is, more or less, faultless. However, it's not and it never has been.

Remember To Kill a Mockingbird?

Human systems - all human systems - are imperfect. We are imperfect. Like it or not, our justice system - and all justice systems around the world - are influenced by the culture in which they develop. The US has a history - well-documented and irrefutable - of systematic oppression of people of color, namely Americans of African descent. We're trying to change the laws and make things right, but what has been cooking for hundreds of years doesn't just stop when the stove's turned off. Social change takes longer. We cannot keep our biases and prejudices separate from our actions - we can only hide them.

And we can only hide them for so long and only so well.

I was moving in this direction long before I arrived in Indonesia, but sometimes being out of context can make things crystallize. Indonesia was colonized for almost 400 years...regularly I see something, read something, or watch something that reflects that history. Yes, Indonesia has been independent since 1945, but their first two presidents served terms that, together, covered almost 50 years. The second president stepped down in 1998, but vestiges of his administration crop up regularly, too.

The point is, we can't erase our history, or as William Faulkner pointed out in Requiem for a Nun, "the past is never dead. It's not even past".

It's folly, at best, and horrendous, at worst, to think that we can operate completely objectively. Even if we can do an OK job with it temporarily, who's to say that another person - administrator, clerk, guard, teacher, spouse, anybody - has done the same? The thing is, we can't.

I would like to say that it's because I'm Christian, but the fact is, I'm not perfect, either. I like a good smack down as much as the next person, but I just can't abide with an institution tainted with social and cultural history having the final say on the necessity or worth of a person's life.

For those reasons, I can not support the death penalty.

There is just too much water under the bridge and the death penalty is a bridge that all thinking people need to burn.

When I was preparing for a class a few years ago, I came across this video from the TED talks website. Bryan Stevenson, the founder and executive director of the Equal Justice Initiative, gave one of the most impressive talks I've ever heard. When he talks about the death penalty in the US to a group of scholars in Germany, their response gave me chills. And it made me understand why I can never, ever support the death penalty anywhere.

http://www.ted.com/talks/bryan_stevenson_we_need_to_talk_about_an_injustice#

I'm not going to scapegoat my country. I love America, but just with everywhere in the world, we have the same things that other countries have: people. And people are not perfect. THAT'S my Christian response. We are not perfect and cannot achieve perfection. To think otherwise is not only arrogant, but dangerous, as well.

Ultimate Throw Down

I absolutely detest when someone does something nice for me and then repeatedly "throws it in my face".

To throw something in someone's face in this context means to constantly remind them of it in order to extract some benefit for themselves; whether it's to get something from you or just to get you to remember that you're in their debt, you will owe them indefinitely.

Here are some examples:

I gave you this job so you have to do anything I say

I bought that for you so you have to do what I say

I spent all this money on you so you have to...

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with having expectations in relationships. Healthy relationships are built on mutual agreements about what is given and what should be taken.

I gave you this job, so I expect you to be in the office 40 hours a week

I bought this for you so that you will have transportation

I spent all this money for your education and I hope you'll be serious with your studies

In a healthy relationship, the recipient has options.

I appreciate this job, but may I have an hour for lunch every day?

Do you need me to pick you up or help you with deliveries?

What if I want to change majors or need to take a sabbatical?

The difference, as maybe you can see, is that in the first set of examples, something was given that warranted a carte blanche-kind of ownership of the other person's time, actions, and energy. In the second set of examples, something was given, but not to "own" the person or to exact some kind of privilege, but to commence upon a relationship built on clearly defined expectations and dialogue, as well. 

"Throwing things in somebody's face" isn't a part of healthy relationship; it's a part of a conditional relationship in which one person denies the dignity of another and makes them feel indebted through pressure and shame.

I grew up with that experience. I'm sorry to say that my father threw just about everything he ever did for me in my face regularly, so much so that when I became an adult, I never wanted to either ask or take from anyone.  

I sent you to Brazil, I bought you a car, I put gas in your car, I bought you tires, I sent you to France...

If course I appreciated those things, but as many who know me now know, I'm not real keen on money.  I'm certainly not impressed by it. Money, to me, implies dominance or submission. I never want to experience being in a position to be treated that way ever again.

Has it affected my work and my life? Sure it has. 

Some of my friends thought that I was so independent, but the fact is, I never wanted to put myself in a position to be lorded over.

In my New Year's reflection today, I was reflecting on the past 4 years of my life. I have been a faithful (as much as a human like me could be) follower of Christ. I believe in God with all my heart. 

I came to Indonesia because I followed a call. 

My life has changed more than I could have ever expected. I have learned and grown more than I expected. I have seen some horrible things. I have experienced some horrible things. I have received incredible and magnificent blessings. Occasionally, I experience the hand of God. And I believe that I'm doing what I am supposed to do.

Today, however, I thought, Charlotte. Look at you. Look at how you're feeling. What does it remind you of?

I had to sit down.

Have I spent the past 4 years, metaphorically, throwing this obedience in the precious face of the God?

I've left my comfort, my family, I've been hated, lied to, manipulated, and HURT. When are you going to let me do my job??? When do I get mine?? When will you explain?

I can only imagine God's response. 

I've kept you safe.

I've surrounded you with angels who love you.

I introduced you to the man you only knew in your deepest dreams.

You are getting to know Me. 

God, being God, would NEVER throw His love in my face. What was I doing?

I'm still sitting down. I am ashamed.

I didn't follow this call to get anything. I don't suppose I followed this call to DO anything. I followed this call because I love God and I trust Him; way much more than I trust myself.

When we give, we give because we love.  Not because we expect something in return. We give without conditions. I had no idea that I was feeling/thinking that way. I realized it today.

I am ashamed.

I am still sitting...

but I will stand up, and I will do something. 

I will perform the ultimate throw down. I'm going to throw away that evil feeling that I detest. I will throw it down - far away from me, and I will be ever aware that this life is a blessing. I have been given far more than I expected and from now on, I won't be thinking about "the call". I'll be thinking on what I was called to do, instead; to learn, to listen, and most of all, to LOVE.

Will you come and follow me
if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don’t know
and never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown,
will you let my name be known,
will you let my life be grown
in you and you in me?

Will you leave yourself behind
if I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind
and never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare
should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer
in you and you in me?

Will you let the blinded see
if I but call your name?
Will you set the prisoners free
and never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean
and do such as this unseen,
and admit to what I mean
in you and you in me?

Will you love the ‘you’ you hide
if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside
and never be the same?
Will you use the faith you’ve found
to reshape the world around
through my sight and touch and sound
in you and you in me?

Lord, your summons echoes true
when you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you
and never be the same.
In your company I’ll go
where your love and footsteps show.
Thus I’ll move and live and grow
in you and you in me.

http://www.oystermouthparish.com/will-you-come-and-follow-me

Let There Be Peace On Earth

Once upon a time I used to write a lot about love.

I'm struggling in that area right now, maybe because it seems that I either experience so much or so little, and my responsive feelings are, unfortunately, the same. Too much or too little. Where did it go? (cue Black Eyed Peas...).

All along I've believed that love is based on the definition in Corinthians, but the concept of love is based on values; values which can be personal (based on our own experiences and understanding), cultural (social and religious, mostly), or a thoughtful mixture of both.

Recently I've been thinking that even though LOVE seems pretty clear to me, the way that I interpret it makes all the difference. My interpretation is based on my values. What is kindness? How does it look? What about patience or to "insist on your own way"?

To some people, being kind means to extend a favor in full expectation of that favor being returned. Being patient might mean to wait silently until another person reaches the same conclusion that you've already made. And for some people, the person who lives openly as a "fill-in-the-blank-with-any-marginalized-identity" is pushing or forcing their lifestyle onto them. Rudeness may be interpreted as engaging in a discussion in which there are differences of opinion. The list is endless, but what it reflects isn't just the definition of love; it's the value system that creates the definition.

At one point in my life, I might have argued about love. I would willingly banter back and forth, feeding and receiving scriptures and experiences until at last, some conclusion was reached. That kind of activity, however, relies on a willingness to engage. A willingness to communicate with efforts to not only argue, but to empathize, to seek common ground, and to honestly listen to the other; the "other" with whom we have a completely different understanding of the same word, no less.

Without such willingness, how can we build peace? How can we dialogue with one another when we have confidently drawn deep lines in the sand based on our own values and beliefs? When everybody knows their own values and beliefs are right, why do we even need to discuss anything together?

I don't have the answer to those questions, but I do know this.

Without intentional, honest, and respectful dialogue with others who have different understandings of the world based on their own values and experiences, there can be no peace.

Peace can't be forced, bought, bombed, or bribed.

Different value systems make the struggle for peace difficult.

Ignoring it won't make it go away. Shutting people out and trying to keep them quiet won't make it go away. Peace is not passed down, handed over, or traded.

Peace is built. And it has to be built together.

This Christmas season as we around the world witness violence, pain and exclusion, misuse of power, and deep, unrelenting hurt, please let's stop before we lay blame.

Blame feeds a vicious cycle that burns fast and hot. No one is spared.

When we're busy pointing fingers, whether "rightly" or "wrongly", peace isn't going to climb out of the rubble.

We have to be willing to listen to each other.

I have no idea how that's going to happen or even what it looks like. People have to care before they'll listen and it hasn't been my immediate experience that people with severely different values want to listen to each other.

I pray that such an awareness can make a difference, but I know too well that nobody wants to talk about values.

It's just so much easier to be confident in our right-ness.

As I reflected on what I had written so far while I was preparing a little food, I realized that love, values, and peace could be considered as the ingredients for tolerance, but as is the case, I assume, with many Americans, I don't really like that word.

We tolerate what we don't like because we can't do anything about it, not because we are at peace, in peace, or with peace about it. Tolerance does not contribute to real, sustainable peace.

Tolerance sneers at "the other" and can't wait for "them" to leave.

Peace sees "the other" and carries on about the business of peace.

This Christmas, I want to understand peace. I want to understand how to be a peacemaker.

Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.

Storytime!

Yesterday was the first day to begin reading with some kids in the neighborhood. As many of you know, I believe that reading is THE BEST way to improve English skills. I also think that kids need to experience English in a more fun/informal, less structured way sometimes. We had a fun time - I read 3 books and then helped my older friends (who are helping me to gather kids to read with!) with a little English homework. I'm really thankful for the time we spent, the books that friends from home have sent, and the opportunities we'll share to have a little fun making English more accessible!

We read Ten Apples Up On Top (Theo LeSieg), My Friend Rabbit (Eric Rohmann), and The Story of Ferdinand the Bull (Munro Leaf). They loved My Friend Rabbit!

Brett Bart Blackburn

There was a joke of sorts that my father used to say...he said that had I been a boy, my name would have been Brett Bart Blackburn. I don't remember if he or I added the bit about how easy it would have been to call me if that had been my name; blubbering lips with an extended index finger for the b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b sound. I guess ever since then I've had an affinity for alliteration.

Mixed with stream of consciousness writing, alliteration is a fun thing for me. Maybe it was the combination of Dr, Suess and Shel Silverstein, or maybe even Loony Toons, but one of my favorite things about the English language is that it's so fun to play with.

Booger noses, garden hoses, sticking up your butt
Sweat beads and bumble bees, a dirty paper cut

I wrote two-pages in high school that began with those two lines - it's the only thing I've ever written that I've lost and surely hate not having. Just reading the lines that I recall transports me to that day - I remember every visual that inspired those lines, even though I'm certain that nothing was really sticking up anybody's butt, at least literally.

There's a big, brown bear behind me

That's been on repeat in my head for about 2 weeks now, so I think it's time to do something with it. Maybe it'll get it out and give me some peace. At least for the moment,

There's a big, brown bear behind me.

His soft feet fall so gently

He's never far, he's just right there

Slowly and moving deliberately

I know his name. He's my old friend

We used to be together often

He protected me, and I fed him

His name is Big Brown Bitter

Big Brown Bitter and Blaming Blathering Blackburn were inseparable, it's true 

She would act and he would respond - victims, both, those two

Of course it was never just the act or response that kept it going

It was careful thinking, reading, too

And a healthy dose of rebellion 

Hard heads make for soft asses

You'll get kicked from here to there

But banking on bitter and blather and blame

Help the cycle begin again

It is said that no good deed goes unpunished

But what of the bad, I say?

There's Big Brown Bitter and all he says is

bb--b-b-b--b--b-b-b-bb-bb

They lied! They lied! It was all a farce

But you complied, he said

I knew it was weird and I knew it seemed wrong

But I followed anyway

I have to remember and I have to remind

Myself of how it began

If it were for fun

If it were for money

I'd surely have gone some place else

But I was following and I'll continue to do it

With the bear who used to be beside me, behind me

Repairing the Damage

I just found this today and realized that I never published it. Throwback Thursday, indeed.

Often when people think of mission, they assume it relates to “doing something". Repairing a building or digging a well. The Presbyterian Church (USA) describes mission "in partnership" and it is guided by five principles: 1. Shared grace and thanksgiving. 2. Mutuality and interdependence. 3. Recognition and respect. 4. Open dialogue and transparency. 5. Sharing of Resources.  

(Please see Presbyterians Do Mission in Partnership)

I recently attended a workshop on community development. That's the short of it, but as is typical in Indonesia, that's the tip of the iceberg. On the island of Sulawesi, a consortium of 9 churches is working together to discuss what they are doing for their communities, possibly to reduce replication and strengthen the efficacy of all their programs by developing a more unified, systematic methodology in response to a grant from Evangelical Mission in Solidarity (EMS); a regional association of churches in South Germany.

Talk about partnership. It's beautiful to see how people work together, build relationships, communicate, laugh and plan. It is truly representative of the Body of Christ. It is global, international and overflowing with love and a sense of justice.

Upon arrival, I met the event coordinators assembled from the 9 churches. Later, I met the representatives from EMS. We had a brief, but refreshing, conversation about what they are doing, what the Presbyterian Church (USA) is doing and we lightly touched on some of the challenges.

As any Western Christian serving in a country that was once a colony of a Western country knows, once upon a time, the Church and the associated workers did not always act in the best interests of the people, but sometimes in collusion with the colonial government (intentionally or not, I might add). Of course, many mission workers rallied against imperialism and fought for the rights of the people they were sent to serve, but unfortunately, the residual impacts from when that did not happen are the obstacles that seem to pose some of the greatest challenges in the present time.

We in the US are proud of our “Protestant” background. “The Church reformed, always reforming”. ( Nice article from Patheos ) Christianity grew, developed, and evolved. I’m thinking this is a greater challenge in places where religion was planted in a very intentional, very “right” and “pure” way. Any deviation from the teachings of the “Mother Church” could cause problems; social, economic, governmental, etc. In other words, the ‘hermeneutic tradition” that I now know I always took for granted, may not have deep roots in all Christian communities. ( Hermeneutics )

For us, in partnership and patience, our focus is often not on creating, but on repairing the damage from a past which created too much; “top down” authority, exploitation, oppression, ill-fated “acculturation/assimilation”, out of context social/economic expectations. The Accra Confession, adopted by the delegates of the World Alliance of Reformed Churches (WARC) (of which PC(USA) is a member church) describes some of the injustices that continue to have a negative impact today. ( Accra Confession PC(USA) )

Even though we know these things, it is difficult for Westerners to enter service with a knowledge base that is very implementation oriented; our culture requires that we "make things happen". But, we are not here to "get things done". We are not here to show people how to do things like "we do".

We are here to work WITH. To listen. To understand. To build friendships, relationships, to worship together...and to share resources.   We learn, they learn, but it is through our actions and our love reflected through the power of partnership. It is not motivated by the need to "do” something.

In love, respect and humility, we still have a role to play in the world. We still need to be "out there", but we need to know that the times have changed. The context is different. We are all the Body of Christ. We are One. Our Body is healthier when it is nourished with love, understanding and real relationships. And the Body needs to be nourished so that it can grow, evolve and embrace. And the only thing that often "needs doing" is changing our attitude about that we need to "do".

Please pray for the people who humble themselves to work together, who see beyond denominational, ethnic, economic, cultural and linguistic differences, among other things, to build a healthy Body that is fortified by love, understanding and real relationships. We all have a place in that Body. Are you ready?

John 15:12-17

New International Version (NIV)

12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. 15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. 17 This is my command: Love each other.

On Politics...and Perspective

There seems to be little consensus on the definition of "Politics", but as I define it and as is described here,

Politics is the process by which groups of people make decisions.

I like this way of considering politics because as we all know, any time a decision is to be made, whether at home, in the office, in our places of worship or of course, in our national/social relations, some form of politics (based on power) is involved.

Sometimes when people think of politics they think of elections, forms of government, and national leaders. For me, politics is much broader and everybody, whether intentionally or not, plays a role in that process.

This is the year that Indonesians will elect a new president. It's a big thing here in the relatively new (70-something year old) democracy and based on what I've seen, while the context is different, the story is the same.

The choices, without going into too much detail, seem familiar; conservative/progressive, right wing/left wing, old guard/new breed - who will it be?

Beyond those common terms, there is a bigger issue and it is not confined to any one place, but in a very basic way of thinking. (more on that later)

Today I realized that our decisions, no matter where we are, are always based on more than a person, party, or process, but on our individual world views; how we see the world. Is it a scary place? Is it a beautiful place? Are we, as individuals, full of fear for ourselves and others, or full of love and compassion, as scary as that, too, often is?

My cousin and I were having a meaningful chat the other day and I mentioned to her my dislike for the word "expatriate". I do not like being considered as such, to which she responded "well, cuz, you most certainly are one now". I thought really? Yeah, I don't think so, but I couldn't figure out why.

Now I know.

Usually when we use the prefix "ex", it implies that we have broken from the following word, so in addition to its meaning that such a person no longer lives in the country of origin, to be an expatriate implies that we no longer support or associate with our country of origin. Here's the Miriam Webster definition...

I don't like that because while the meaning may be accurate, the implication is just not true. Most certainly in my case, but I'm sure for others, as well.

What then, is an appropriate term for a person who no longer lives in their country of origin, but who still loves it, supports it, and specifically, believes in an idealistic concept of democracy?

Global citizen? World Citizen?

By choosing to replace the term "expatriate" (which for me sound terribly negative) with a different term (which sounds vague, to me, and possibly scary to many!) isn't as much about meaning or implication as it is about perspective.

A friend of mine converted religions long before I knew him. In describing that metamorphosis, he said it wasn't about leaving one as much as it was about "expanding into the other" - not leaving who you were behind, but growing bigger to encompass new ideas, new perspectives, and sometimes, new beliefs. So maybe a better term for "expatriate" is "expander"; one who expands.

Now back to perspective. In the words we choose to use, as well as the information we use to make decisions, it seems to me, as absolutist as it may be, that people primarily begin at one of two places; a place of love, hope and faith or a foundation based on fear, exclusion, and protection.

In this election year, it's obvious that those two choices are forcing people to evaluate how they make their decisions. The choices are in stark contrast to each other.Will they choose a candidate based on their hopes, their inspirations for a better future for all citizens? A new, empowered life? Or will they choose the seemingly tried and true, comfortable shoe because they're scared that the new pair might be uncomfortable and can't be broken in?

Democracy requires an educated populace and a desire, I would say, for freedom. Freedom to innovate, Freedom to "be". And the freedom to choose our leaders.

My point is that all decisions are processes of politics that are based on a set of perspectives and beliefs.

Very often, the end result isn't as important as how the place from which we're speaking when we make important decisions impacts our very lives; in our homes, in our work, in our communities, societies, and countries.

I know I know for sure

That life is beautiful around the world

Around the World

Red Hot Chili Peppers