It Always Amazes Me...

So many amazing things happen to me. Sometimes, when I am drafting an angry response to an unsavory political article I've just read, the power goes out.

Hhhhmmmm. Guess I wasn't supposed to say that. OK.

Sometimes when I'm drafting a blog post, I hit one key and the entire thing disappears. 

Hhhhmmmm. Yep. Wasn't supposed to keep working on that one....

maybe I shouldn't talk about that.

Sometimes when I'm sharing something possibly incendiary on Facebook...BOOP! My computer locks up.

Hhhhmmmm. Charlotte, that might have been too contentious to post.

No need to incite an argument or polarize your friends. 

Yes, the power goes out regularly here...well, not really, but enough so that it's not a surprise or big deal when it does go out. My American formatted computer does some fun things when interfacing with certain programs or providers. I'm sure there are other reasons for my occasional losses...

But what has constantly amazed me is that whatever is lost, whatever disappears, or whatever I don't get to finish at the time is never something of serious importance. I never feel the sting of loss after it happens. 

I'm glad to know that it's not worth getting worked up over the little things. 

I am happy to stay in a state of constant amazement that even when something disappears, something more important is saved. 

Maybe it's my face.

Are You Ready??? The First Post that is Decidedly NOT About Love

God is in my life in so many ways that it is impossible to list them all. Here in Indonesia, there are no exceptions. I still feel and see God moving in the mysterious ways that if I pay attention, I can either get out of the way and be transformed or by following the Spirit, can get in the way to transform.

In this context, as a cultural and national "outsider", it is often hard to determine the correct path. What is cultural? What is just not acceptable? Usually when I feel conflicted, I kind of loiter in the background until I can figure things out...I've been in the background a long time, but I'm feeling that it's time for me to begin a conversation.

A few weeks ago in this post, The Things We Take for Granted, I discussed my perspective on marriages in Indonesia. Very often to me, situations here reflect the same issues that we have in the US, but in a weird  reversal. For instance, we likely have too many divorces, but here they don't have enough!

One of the situations that leads me to believe that is the topic of this post.

I do not believe-EVER-that anyone should be subject to abuse; children, women, men, animals. Nobody. EVER. I do not care if your parent is abusing you, your husband, your wife, your kid. It doesn't matter to me. If you are being hurt, you don't have to do anything but GET OUT.

One of the tools that abusers often use sounds something like this:

 "I'm your mother / husband / father / wife, etc, you have to respect me / live with me / sacrifice for me" 

Yep. Nope. No you don't. 

Is that cultural? It may be. 

The family here is the most important social unit. Families make community. Marriage, as I've said before, is the indicator of a life well-lived. Bringing children into that union is the epitome of what "you're supposed to do". To destroy that institution is, well, maybe a travesty, regardless of the reason. But what if you need to get out? What resources are available? As a very religious country, shouldn't someone or entity be able to  offer love and support?

I have searched for institutions that support and counsel victims and survivors of domestic abuse here. I have not been very successful. In the US, we have support/counseling for a range of issues. Here? Not so much. Certainly there are programs to escape disaster, deal with tsunamis or protect yourself from HIV. But there are hardly any that deal with domestic abuse. Hardly any. I want to understand. I want to know. Why? Let me tell you.

Abuse is evil. 

Abuse is wrong. 

The ramifications of ABUSE are extensive

I think that people who have experienced abuse fall into 1 of 2 camps (from best I can tell) Some are still ashamed and shut down by it. Maybe the pain is still too intense to deal with it. Maybe it's easier to turn a blind eye. 

And then there are people like me. We are angry. We don't like it. 

And we are not quiet.

As I've implied in previous posts, my life has not always been love and acceptance, peace and tranquility.  Through the grace of God and the love of Christ, I am free and have been "pulled from the fiery pits".  I've been given new chances, renewed vision and an appreciation for others that is unprecedented in my life. I've spent much time recreating myself, healing and loving myself through some tough times. Thanks be to God, I am safe. I am healed. But I am still angry.

Abuse comes in many forms and anyone can be a victim - are you familiar with them?

Physical

I just looked up images for this section and you know what? I can't do it. Too much. No cute clip art for this section, that's for sure.

Physical abuse is probably the first association that people have when they hear "domestic abuse". The most general image for many people, I think, is that of a woman pummeled into a pile of tears and blood. That happens.

We also tend to think of children; either at the receiving end of a vicious blow or as terrified witnesses to their mothers winding up as a pummeled pile of tears and blood.

The lasting impacts for children in either of these circumstances are horrific. Neither way is better or worse. They both are horrific.

Horrific.

ABUSE.

Mental/Emotional

Emotional abuse is, I believe, finally gaining some acceptance as a serious form of abuse. Physical abuse is terrible. It is, indeed, horrific, but emotional abuse to me, is AS BAD or WORSE. It is harder to see (abusers are so intentional they control when and where they employ their tactics).  Very often, you have no idea it's happening and can't, therefore, get help (because you've been broken into believing you're terrible and you deserve bad things)

It is akin to torture; a systematic, manipulative, fear-inducing, hateful and degrading method employedfor breaking someone down and controlling them.

“Communications from the emotional abuser are insulting, threatening, devaluing, mocking, controlling, critical, and undermining of self-esteem and worth. Often an abuser limits one’s access to friends and family or tries to induce a sense of mistrust in others.” 

(from www.everydayhealth.com)

As noted above, one of the first strategies of an emotional abuser is to force the soon-to-be-victim to break ties with loved ones and friends because "I'm your husband/wife now. You don't need anybody else". Sometimes this is backed up with words from a Holy Book to justify such a thing..."forsaking all others", right? Nasty stuff.  Unfortunately, from what I've noticed, the church here uses language that we in the US consider to be outdated to counsel abused people...you have to sacrifice, you have to endure, you have to maintain the marriage at whatever cost to yourself (you made a commitment). Yes, certainly a commitment is made...but that commitment SHOULD go both ways. Both people have to sacrifice (I think a better word is actually COMPROMISE) and one should NOT take advantage of the integrity of the other and subject him/her to abuse.  Ever.

Anyway. You can imagine that I can go on forever. I am upset. I've seen this for too long. Too many people. Too many friends and too many families.

I will continue to loiter in the background. Because I have to understand. But I am watching.

And I am most of all, praying. 

And I am ready.

Blast from the Past - Unpublished Blog from August 2011

Stream of consciousness writing has always been fun for me - usually I do it in the privacy of one of my many notebooks and usually when I'm trying to figure something out...

There are many things that I'm trying to figure out right now and I think that's why I haven't written a blog in so long - where to start?  

Ramadan - the month of August was the time of Ramadan, a time in which the Muslim faithful fast from before 6 in the morning until almost 6 at night.  They put nothing in or to their mouths. No smoking, no gum chewing and certainly no eating or drinking. As a result of the majority of the population fasting, many of the food stalls where I usually eat were closed, and because I really haven't felt the need, or had the facilities, to cook here, I was in a bit of a pickle.  All was fine, I learned a lot, but what I really learned and thought about was how the Muslim faithful manage in a country such as the US, that hardly acknowledges such a time, and certainly the restaurants don't close - the temptations abound and the already challenging commitment to fast is made even more difficult by a dominant majority that doesn't understand.  Hhhhhhhmmmmm. Each night around 6, the Buka Puasa, or fast breaking, happens - there is much special food available and friends gather, and invite you to join them, in celebrating the end of a day of reflection and discipline.

The end of the season of Ramadan is marked by Idul Fitri - 5 days of lavish celebrations with friends, family and forgiveness.  It is quite beautiful and really special to be invited to so many friends houses for special celebrations!

For me, trying to comprehend the beauty of the season, the implications of its observance at home, the struggle with my high-maintenance eating habits AND trying to close out the summer semester at 2 universities was almost a little much...oh yes, and did I mention I moved, as well? I won't even go into to detail about how I hadn't taken a "real" vacation in 7 months and that I had about spun myself into a frenzied wild thing! Woo! Time to slow down.

Breathe.

The time of Idul Fitri allowed me the opportunity to not work for a week.  It would be nice to say that I could reflect and be some kind of productive, but in all honesty, for the first time in months I shut down.  I stayed in my new house, slept like a rock, played with my cat, organized my new life in my new dwelling...and I tried not to do ANYTHING. Nothing that required my brain. And now I'm lost.

The Things We Take for Granted...

In the United States, we have many freedoms. Some might argue that we have too many freedoms, but I say our country was founded on the idea of freedom and that goes hand in hand with the equally omniscient Puritan work ethic. In other words, freedom is really not free. We do have to work for it. And we should.

Assumed, and frequently reminded, Americans know that the ultimate authority is the individual. We honor the individual and that is a significant part of our culture. We also believe that seeking happiness is a God-given right for each individual. "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." These opening lines of the Declaration of Independence have since been interpreted to include all men, especially Women.

Divorce is never a pretty word. Yes, close to 50% of American marriages end in divorce, but I daresay that it rarely occurs in the midst of celebratory happiness of newfound freedom.

In many of the college classes in which I participate, students learn the future tense of English by discussing their plans for the future. For example, "In five years I will...in ten years I will..." More often than not, the students, usually between the ages of 18 and 21, say that they will be married in 5 years. The social pressure to marry is intense and hardly comprehensible for an American. Undergraduates in America would likely answer the same questions with something related to their careers, their dreams and goals. Marriage, I offer, is certainly not first and foremost in their immediate plans, but maybe that has to do as much with the belief that marriage involves a loss of freedom or that it requires more work than feasible in the near future.

Indonesian culture can be described as collectivist. In other words, the group is the most important authority and people should conform to, honor and respect the mores of the group into which they were born; family, ethnic group, community. In addition to always having the support of the group as one grows, marries and hopefully grows old, society here is such that middle class married people often have live-in "helpers" to assist with the housework, meal preparation and childcare. In other words, a marriage involves many more people than the immediate family. I admit that would be a tempting life; one of which even an independent American woman can appreciate. I can only imagine how different my life would have been as a wife and mother with the assistance of a vast support network AND a helper. Luxury. Pure and simple. Marriage wouldn't be so intimidating if you knew you'd have at least one helper, that's for sure. As a result of that and other social factors, marriage and having children here isn't viewed as a burden and a difficulty, but possibly an arrival into "the good life".

That being said, the social pressure to marry in Indonesia certainly produces results and I am certain that some people marry because they are genuinely in love. Unfortunately, however, I am equally sure that some people marry in response to the societal pressure. Perhaps that, coupled with the fact that not all couples arrive into "the good life", causes undue stress and can create unhappy unions.  In addition to the possibility of many unhappy marriages, one of the saddest things that I've actually witnessed is the shame, embarrassment and apparent feelings of worthlessness exhibited by some people 26-28 years old who are not yet married...very often because they've been pursuing graduate degrees or similar! Ashamed because you sought to improve yourself, enhance your earning potential and build a career? Again, another hard thing for the Western mind to absorb...

While 50% of American marriages may end in divorce, I shudder to imagine the percentage of unhappy, miserable Indonesian marriages.  My heart is heavy. On more than a few occasions, I have become aware of such unions. With more severe consequences here than in the United States, divorce has myriad connotations. First of all, it often matters not if the husband abandons the family, beats the wife or similar, it is often considered to be the woman's fault; she lost her husband, she wasn't a competent wife, she was the root of the problems in the marriage. Secondly, and in my opinion, of equal if not more disturbing significance, is that some people, both men and women, may lose their jobs as a result of divorce, regardless of the cause|s|. This is due, in part, to both the cultural norms and taboos, as well as to the role religion plays in society.  Religion is integrated into civil society in ways that Westerners can hardly fathom. A person's religion is noted on the required identification card. Any actions will be a reflection on the person's religion; this is especially significant if you happen to belong to one of the five minority religions. (People from different religions (there are 6 approved religions from which people can choose: Islam, Christianity, Catholicism, Confucianism, Buddhism and Hinduism) are prohibited by law from marrying. This would be an appropriate place to ponder the number of people truly in love who won't marry outside their faith, but that's a topic for another time.)

In short, the institution of marriage is so deeply ingrained into the cultural psyche, due in part to the culture and the perceived edicts of most religions, that its roots reach farther than easily understood by many Westerners and the repercussions of divorce here have more serious consequences.

In the United States, marriage is less of a social commitment and more of a commitment to an individual. Therefore, if one of the partners in the union fails to uphold the vows or the "contractual agreement", the opportunities for resolution or dissolution are easier. It's a private matter to be solved by the two involved.  More often than not, people try everything to salvage the relationship prior to divorce: counseling, return to church, date night, increased communication - anything to save the marriage. Work surely can produce desired results, right? In short, divorce is never a pretty thing and nobody ever wishes it upon another (save in the instance of spousal abuse), but at least in the US, most of us don't have to worry about losing our social standing, friends and family, human dignity and/or jobs.

In Indonesia, a divorce can cause a person to lose status, extended families and possibly worse, their jobs.

Losing a job here is a big deal. While there are many available jobs, it is totally permissible for an employer to establish an age range - therefore, if you're a certain age with a limited education, you could be in big trouble.  In addition to that, job postings here also specify a desired gender...if you're a woman of a certain age with a limited education, opportunities for employment are few.  Yes and wait; there's more. If  a women with a position in a religious organization divorces (even if her husband leaves her or beats her), she very likely will not be able to keep her job or find employment within other religious organizations. This holds the same for men employed in a religious capacity. Religious people are not supposed to divorce. Period. Regardless of the reason. Do you have any idea how many religious leaders in the US are divorced or miserable?

(disclaimer...because freedom of religion is important in the US, the government does not manage data related to religious affiliation, additionally, because the vast majority of Americans profess association with Christianity, the quickly available data refers mostly to Christianity - to see how difficult it is to quickly gather info, check this out...2012 Statistical Abstract - US Census - that's PhD work....not for a blog!)

Perhaps it is a rather morbid thing for which to give thanks. I wish that almost 50% of American marriages didn't end in divorce, but if we have to get out, at least we can. At least the bottom doesn't drop out from under us. At least we can have hope for a better life. For many of my Indonesian brothers and sisters, it's just not that easy. And more often than not, that's not a good thing.

Christmas 2011...the Lighter Side

Elly, one of my very best friends here, had a birthday on December 24th. Usually on December 24th, I'm going to church and having a party. Here, church was to be on the 25th, so the 24th was the party...and it was for Elly and to celebrate Christmas Eve.

We purchased a big cake, a big "ceremonial" rice dish (called a "tupeng") and people brought food and snacks. At the height of the evening, there were 20-25 people in my house, affectionately called "the tempat happy-happy" (the fun place). The following are some pictures from that night, as well as a couple of trees that I found to be really cool.

Christmas was a blessing for me. My friends here are a blessing. People getting together, regardless of religious background, to celebrate and share love. That is a blessing. And I'm blessed that it's a big part of my job; my real job.

Elly getting in to the tupeng

Some friends in attendance...

The extent of my personal Christmas decor...

A Christmas tree made of....COCONUT shells! :-) Very creative!

My awesome friend Farsijana and I in front of her beautiful tree.

Some of my friends who make my life beautiful!

Freedom, Faith and Following

I was asked to speak at the English speaking church service (YIC, the Yogyakarta International Congregation) that I attend regularly...and I was asked with relatively short notice because the scheduled speaker was unable to make it.

This is an exciting opportunity for me (because I love to talk), but I am extremely intimidated to speak in  that position. As a Christian, I consider my job to follow, not to lead. I am not comfortable speaking as if I have something of value to offer. I am a sinner (as are we all) and it terrifies me to try and communicate what I hold most dear, which is my faith in God. With no theological training, other than a lifetime of attending church, singing in the choir and serving on the Board of Elders, taking passages out of context or misinterpreting something is of constant concern. In light of the short notice, I decided to just try and make sense out of my most recent experience, reading the Advent/Christmas lectionary during the month of December. What follows is roughly what I shared.

During the month of December, I committed myself to read daily the Advent/Christmas Lectionary made available through my church, the Presbyterian Church (USA). Lectionary 2011  That is usually the way I read the Bible; guided by a lectionary, in response to a sermon, or to understand some theologically-oriented article. On occasion, I open it in hopes of finding a passage of comfort (and I usually find something NOT comforting) or in hopes of something meaningful (and I find something CONFUSING). In short, reading the Bible is a little intimidating to me.

The passages for the early days of the season seemed to focus on God's wrath and mighty vengeance or praise and worship. I was more than a little confused as to why the focus was on all the "hell fire and brimstone" and not more on the waiting, the anticipation...you know...the sweet things of the season. I continued to read.

On December 22, the tide began to change. The reading was from Galatians Chapter 3. As happened often during the course of my reading, I failed to stop at the end but continued to read beyond, intrigued by the story. Galatians 3, verses 23-26 are now among my favorite verses and they make clear why I was so confused earlier in the month.

23Now before faith came, 

we were imprisoned and guarded under the law until faith would be revealed. 

24Therefore the law was our disciplinarian until Christ came, so that we might be justified by faith.

  25But now that faith has come, we are no longer subject to a disciplinarian, 

26for in Jesus Christ you are all children of God through faith.

As a Protestant Christian, it is that freedom through faith that we celebrate. Before I read the Lectionary, I have to admit that I had overlooked the scenario from which we were freed through Christ; traditional norms and cultural prohibitions, a world ruled by a God of perceived wrath and vengeance. That is, indeed, the Good News. Right? Ah ha!

So. We are free. Free of the law. Freed from cultural norms and traditions preceding the arrival of Christ, vengeance and wrath, but certainly not really free. Aren't we supposed to do something to honor that sweet gift of Grace?

James 2:26

For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is also dead.

We are supposed to do something...but what? The answer begins in Matthew, chapter 19, verses16-30:

16Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?” 17“Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.” 18“Which ones?” he inquired.

Jesus replied, “‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, 19honor your father and mother,’[a] and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’[b]” 20“All these I have kept,” the young man said. “What do I still lack?”

21Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” 22When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. 23Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”

25When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?”

26Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

27Peter answered him, “We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?”

28Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. 29And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife[c] or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. 30But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

Usually when this is read, I've tended to focus on the "rich entering the kingdom of heaven" part, but this reading showed me something a little different. 

• only One who is good
• "IF you want to be PERFECT..."
• "Who can be saved?"
• "With man this is IMPOSSIBLE (note: IMPOSSIBLE) but with God all things are possible
• "Many who are first will be last and many who are last will be first"

I read this understanding that it is our very nature as humans, not rich humans particularly, but humans in general, to be imperfect. We CANNOT be perfect. There will always be something that we can't give up or do - maybe some of us can give away all of our possessions, but we might possibly give false testimony... maybe we've done everything right...except maybe we failed to honor our father and mother at one point or another in our lives...the list can go on. 

The message for me is this: we cannot be perfect. It is arrogant, frankly, to assume that we can be because there is "only One who is good". What can we do, then? What are we called to do? What can we, imperfect and impossible, do to serve God?

The answer, to me, is here in my very favorite verses. In chapter 22, Matthew, verses 36-40:

36“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” 37Jesus replied: 

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[c] 

38This is the first and greatest commandment. 

39And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[d] 

40All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Love God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and love your neighbor as yourself. Amen. That is the blueprint for my life. That is my goal and it seems as if (hopefully) that's exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. But now. How to love? Thank goodness for having it spelled out for us, because it's not easy...but it's mandatory. And we have to show love to EVERYBODY. (Even to those who we think to be undeserving.) 

Corinthians 13:1-7

1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 

3If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Yes. This is a challenge. But it is the way. And we have to try.

Christmas 2011

This year was the first Christmas, in my life, that I have ever spent away from my family and away from my daughter. Additionally, I spent what is arguably one of the most significant seasons of the Christian year in a country with an Islamic religious majority, Christian minority. I knew it would be different and it was, but not in a bad way - just a different way - consistent with the way Indonesia often is. Different. That's all.

 In the US, we celebrate Christmas the entire month of December. Christmas parties, events at church and work, and opportunities to give generously mark the season and it's veritably impossible to escape the seasonal joy. Of course, some of my friends were envious of me - how lucky I am to be away from the overbearing commercialization of the season!

When the stores start putting out the Christmas items in October, that's irritating. When radio stations start playing Christmas music 24 hours a day before Thanksgiving, that's irritating. When the season that acknowledges the birth of Christ is used for selling anything and everything, that's irritating. But let me tell you. Seeing hardly nothing at all, well, it's not irritating, but it's surely different. It requires introspection...a closer look inside at beliefs, faith and traditions...one has to tap into the source of the season; and I did.

The first thing I did was visit the Presbyterian Church (PC(USA)) website and find the lectionary for Advent through Christmas. Every morning and evening, with rare exception, I read the passages. It felt as if the passages early in the month focused on praise, worship and FEAR! Highlighting the power of God's wrath and His mighty vengeance seemed odd to me this time of year, but I continued reading. Around December 22, the tide began to change as I read the passages from Galatians 3:23-26 (now among my favorites):

23Now before faith came, 

we were imprisoned and guarded under the law until faith would be revealed. 

24Therefore the law was our disciplinarian until Christ came, so that we might be justified by faith.

  25But now that faith has come, we are no longer subject to a disciplinarian, 

26for in Jesus Christ you are all children of God through faith.

I then understood why the focus on God's wrath seemed so out of place to me; we Christians know we are free. We are a "Resurrection People" - we focus on salvation...and sometimes we may forget from what we were saved. The passages from Galatians, and the earlier passages, reminded me. And we need to remember. We need to be thankful. And we need to be joyful! John 3:17

17For God did not send the Son into the world to condemn the world, 

but in order that the world might be saved through Him

That is the message of Christmas. And that is what we need to remember, regardless of whether it seems quite easy or quite....different.