My father passed away a little over 2 years ago. On Easter. I was the first to know.
Since that time, I think of him often. I think of how hard he and I worked together to build a relationship, especially once I became a mother. I think of how much he loved my daughter and how he tried (and succeeded) to love her and to be there for her in ways that he was not able to be for me when I was younger -
We had a tumultuous relationship - maybe because we were very similar in hard-headed, creative ways, but also because we really did love each other and wanted for the other the kinds of things we weren't quite able to make happen for ourselves (or at least thought so at the time)
After my father died, I broke down and started practicing yoga (I had previously resisted due to its popularity) those first practices were always dedicated to him...I would be close to tears, breathing and praying....and trying to understand why he had to leave this world. Whenever I love myself enough to take care of myself, I think of him. My work schedule got in the way a few months later and I was on yoga-hiatus until February of this year. When I started practicing again, I began a prayerful reflection on the importance of loving ourselves enough to take care of ourselves. That's what it's about, after all.
Today I went swimming at a beautiful pool. I not only swam, but I pushed myself through the water and allowed it to encircle me, embrace me and lift me into an almost trance-like state. As I floated on my back looking into the sky, I remembered who taught me that trick and I lay in prayerful repose thinking of my father, the man who taught me how to really enjoy a good pool swim. My swim today was dedicated to his memory, his life and his energy. There are so many things I wish I could share with him - so many adventures, revelations and experiences!
It is still hard to live without him, because when he was good, he was awesome.
Happy Father's Day, Daddy.
A dedication - the only song he ever told me was his favorite :-)
Scotch and Soda by the Kingston Trio
