Choke

The past 7 years have been a time of exponential growth and no shortage of sadness. It is hard to be "the Other" and even harder when there's no feasible way to change it.

I have been singing in choirs since I was a small child, but had never sung alone in front of people until I arrived in Indonesia (except for one talent show in Brazil when I was 17...does that count?)

It seems to me that most non-Indonesians, especially westerners, come here because they love it or because they have a good job. If they're lucky, they come here for both reasons.

I came here because I thought I'd finally found something I could do for the rest of my life...and get paid for it: serve God. I love people, I've already served in every position in a restaurant and I've also been an Elder in my church and in the choir. I love to do for others.

Perhaps I should have stayed in the US and done for others because I have been able to do little more than choke ever since I got here. I don't teach the way they wanted me to, I'm not white enough, and I'm too liberal. Not only that, but being a white southerner who grew up with utopian ideas thanks to Sesame Street, I'm not the one to sit quietly and accept or accommodate injustice and silly games. Oh and did I mention that I won't lie and can't be expected to, no matter which culture wants to claim it as a tradition?

I stopped taking formal language classes when the schedule of my so-called "work" changed. Conversing with others is the best way to learn they say, anyway, but I quickly tired of the conflicting directions I was given, as well as the laughter. It's hard enough to manage in an extremely different environment without the added bothers. I guess I mostly stayed silent for about about 3 years; at least as far as language learning.

Finally I realized how stupid that was, plus I moved to a place that is more accepting of differences and the people I was around didn't make a sport out of making fun of others. I've been learning, but it's hard. I don't have much incentive to learn. I'm an introvert, I am not allowed to work (visa issues), and I know enough to have sufficient conversations anyway.

I recently joined a choir. After being completely disillusioned with the post-colonial church and realizing that my western whiteness makes anything worse in this context, I've been trying to find a way to worship again.

I was supposed to sing two sentences in Javanese and I choked. I forgot the entire second sentence and I squeaked though the first one. I'm embarrassed and I feel like I let the choir down.

The part I forgot? In English it would be "my life is always blessed". The part I remembered was "Ever since I've " let go and let God". Yep, that's right.

Ever since I have tried with all my might to follow Christ, speak out against injustice, and be "the light", my life has been a mess. I now know why people choose to follow the status quo. It's easier. I have never felt like more of a failure.

Is that what it's supposed to be like or am I being punished because I'm just so awful? Don't answer too quickly because I assure you, such an answer opens a veritable Pandora's box.

The long and short of it is that sometimes when you try to save your life, you lose it. I haven't gotten much past the lose part. I'm still lost and apparently, still choking on my ignorance and experiences.