As a part of my preparation, I have to get my heart right, but I've been having some trouble. Even though I feel less stressed than I've felt in a couple of years, and even though I am happy and see a bright future, I'm having trouble letting go of the past to fully embrace my future.
Throwing Out the Trash
Now at the ripe age of 44, I can happily report that my regrets are few. Sure, I've made decisions with consequences completely incomprehensible for some, but I have no regrets about those. The only thing to this day that I can actually say I regret is the way that I treated two friends; one when I was about 16 or 17 and one when I was about 27 or 28.
She was like a sister to me. I loved her so much. A little younger, I was kind of like a big sister. When she made some friends that I didn't think were "good enough" for her, I gave her hell. Yep. Purely. "What are you doing with those people? They're not..." fill in the rest with all kinds of socio-economic status BS and anything else ugly, I said it. Over and over. Harassment is the correct term. It ruined our friendship. We never rebuilt it. Of course, we stayed friends over some humps and bumps, but we lost what we had. And it was my fault.
The second person is also like a sister to me. She helped me so much as I struggled through college as a single-parent. We were friends and she often babysat my daughter. Without her, my college years would have been markedly different. I knew when my daughter was with her and her family, she was loved and well-taken care of. That's something that can't be bought, borrowed or stolen and I am forever grateful. Some time passed and my friend and her husband were having trouble. Shortly before they separated and divorced, she was involved in an affair. As a newly married and optimistic wife, I couldn't deal with the misery and strife in her life. I distanced myself...for years.
These two tragedies show that I let people go, nay, I cast them off and threw them away, like things not people.
I never paused to think that my "little sister's" new friends might be awesome.
I never stopped for a minute to think that maybe my friend's husband had been physically and emotionally abusive throughout the entirety of her marriage and she was in pain.
The bottom line contains two segments.
First, I had no compassion for two people I loved. I had no capacity for understanding. No ability to reach beyond myself and no comprehension of what loving someone means. They did something I didn't agree with and that was it. And it was it. I treated two people I loved like family like trash. I've since apologized, but the damage is done. When someone in your heart and life "throws you away", it can never be the same.
Second, my friends did NOTHING to harm me, hurt me, violate me or in any way abuse me. They simply chose to do something that I didn't believe in, even though it was actually none of my business and had no impact on me whatsoever. In the position of judge, I overstepped my boundaries as friend and confidante. I was wrong.
I was wrong.
When I chose to leave home; my daughter, family, friends and community, it wasn't because I was out for some adventure. Most people who know me know I would've headed south if adventure was what I wanted. I discerned a call to come to Indonesia. I prayed. I reflected. I read. I followed. And I continue to do so.
I believed that I was entering into relationship. I thought I was nurtured in the binds of mutuality and accountability. I'm not perfect, but I did expect that if I made a mistake, real or perceived, somebody would at least ask me what I was thinking. Why did I do it? I'm a responsible, usually respectful person. If I do something weird or out of character, wouldn't you think somebody would try to find out why? I anticipated an opportunity. An opportunity to share. To shed light on something really ugly that I uncovered and brought to light. But no.
The weight of social angst pressed down. People I thought were friends were gone. What I thought to be a relationship was really just a position. And I was no better than trash. Thankfully or unfortunately (depending on your perspective) I understand it all, because I've done it, too.
But I was wrong.
The Opportunity
I've developed a whole new sense of compassion. I thought I pretty much knew everything; safe in my solid values, beliefs and social traditions.
We are all just human beings. None of us are perfect. There are things that we (culturally) agree on that are always wrong and that makes is easier to dwell upon our assumed plateau of inspired perfection.
But when we are free to realize our humanity - to embrace it, to move beyond labels and perceptions, the rights and wrongs, the expectations and judgment, we are more free to share love. And we are also more free to receive the gift of God's grace. We can understand the significance of The Word made flesh.
Being human is not easy. We are an imperfect lot. We've been called to love God with all our heart, mind and strength and to love our neighbor as ourselves. If it were an easy thing to do, I believe Jesus wouldn't have spent so much time focusing on it. The fact is it's hard, but it's not impossible.
That's what I'm going to focus on this Advent season: how I can be a part of building the kingdom based on love right here. It begins with kindness. It is not selfish or arrogant. And it never rejoices in the wrong. So I'm not going to focus on the wrong.
Not my wrong, not your wrong, not their wrong.
I'm going to focus on the light of love. And The Word made flesh.
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