In the United States, we have many freedoms. Some might argue that we have too many freedoms, but I say our country was founded on the idea of freedom and that goes hand in hand with the equally omniscient Puritan work ethic. In other words, freedom is really not free. We do have to work for it. And we should.
Assumed, and frequently reminded, Americans know that the ultimate authority is the individual. We honor the individual and that is a significant part of our culture. We also believe that seeking happiness is a God-given right for each individual. "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." These opening lines of the Declaration of Independence have since been interpreted to include all men, especially Women.
Divorce is never a pretty word. Yes, close to 50% of American marriages end in divorce, but I daresay that it rarely occurs in the midst of celebratory happiness of newfound freedom.
In many of the college classes in which I participate, students learn the future tense of English by discussing their plans for the future. For example, "In five years I will...in ten years I will..." More often than not, the students, usually between the ages of 18 and 21, say that they will be married in 5 years. The social pressure to marry is intense and hardly comprehensible for an American. Undergraduates in America would likely answer the same questions with something related to their careers, their dreams and goals. Marriage, I offer, is certainly not first and foremost in their immediate plans, but maybe that has to do as much with the belief that marriage involves a loss of freedom or that it requires more work than feasible in the near future.
Indonesian culture can be described as collectivist. In other words, the group is the most important authority and people should conform to, honor and respect the mores of the group into which they were born; family, ethnic group, community. In addition to always having the support of the group as one grows, marries and hopefully grows old, society here is such that middle class married people often have live-in "helpers" to assist with the housework, meal preparation and childcare. In other words, a marriage involves many more people than the immediate family. I admit that would be a tempting life; one of which even an independent American woman can appreciate. I can only imagine how different my life would have been as a wife and mother with the assistance of a vast support network AND a helper. Luxury. Pure and simple. Marriage wouldn't be so intimidating if you knew you'd have at least one helper, that's for sure. As a result of that and other social factors, marriage and having children here isn't viewed as a burden and a difficulty, but possibly an arrival into "the good life".
That being said, the social pressure to marry in Indonesia certainly produces results and I am certain that some people marry because they are genuinely in love. Unfortunately, however, I am equally sure that some people marry in response to the societal pressure. Perhaps that, coupled with the fact that not all couples arrive into "the good life", causes undue stress and can create unhappy unions. In addition to the possibility of many unhappy marriages, one of the saddest things that I've actually witnessed is the shame, embarrassment and apparent feelings of worthlessness exhibited by some people 26-28 years old who are not yet married...very often because they've been pursuing graduate degrees or similar! Ashamed because you sought to improve yourself, enhance your earning potential and build a career? Again, another hard thing for the Western mind to absorb...
While 50% of American marriages may end in divorce, I shudder to imagine the percentage of unhappy, miserable Indonesian marriages. My heart is heavy.
On more than a few occasions, I have become aware of such unions. With more severe consequences here than in the United States, divorce has myriad connotations. First of all, it often matters not if the husband abandons the family, beats the wife or similar, it is often considered to be the woman's fault; she lost her husband, she wasn't a competent wife, she was the root of the problems in the marriage. Secondly, and in my opinion, of equal if not more disturbing significance, is that some people, both men
and women, may lose their jobs as a result of divorce, regardless of the cause|s|. This is due, in part, to both the cultural norms and taboos, as well as to the role religion plays in society. Religion is integrated into civil society in ways that Westerners can hardly fathom. A person's religion is noted on the required identification card. Any actions will be a reflection on the person's religion; this is especially significant if you happen to belong to one of the five minority religions. (People from different religions
(there are 6 approved religions from which people can choose: Islam, Christianity, Catholicism, Confucianism, Buddhism and Hinduism) are prohibited by law from marrying. This would be an appropriate place to ponder the number of people truly in love who won't marry outside their faith, but that's a topic for another time.)
In short, the institution of marriage is so deeply ingrained into the cultural psyche, due in part to the culture and the perceived edicts of most religions, that its roots reach farther than easily understood by many Westerners and the repercussions of divorce here have more serious consequences.
In the United States, marriage is less of a social commitment and more of a commitment to an individual. Therefore, if one of the partners in the union fails to uphold the vows or the "contractual agreement", the opportunities for resolution or dissolution are easier. It's a private matter to be solved by the two involved. More often than not, people try everything to salvage the relationship prior to divorce: counseling, return to church, date night, increased communication - anything to save the marriage. Work surely can produce desired results, right? In short, divorce is never a pretty thing and nobody ever wishes it upon another (save in the instance of spousal abuse), but at least in the US, most of us don't have to worry about losing our social standing, friends and family, human dignity and/or jobs.
In Indonesia, a divorce can cause a person to lose status, extended families and possibly worse, their jobs.
Losing a job here is a big deal. While there are many available jobs, it is totally permissible for an employer to establish an age range - therefore, if you're a certain age with a limited education, you could be in big trouble. In addition to that, job postings here also specify a desired gender...if you're a woman of a certain age with a limited education, opportunities for employment are few. Yes and wait; there's more. If a women with a position in a religious organization divorces (even if her husband leaves her or beats her), she very likely will not be able to keep her job or find employment within other religious organizations. This holds the same for men employed in a religious capacity. Religious people are not supposed to divorce. Period. Regardless of the reason. Do you have any idea how many religious leaders in the US are divorced or miserable?
(disclaimer...because freedom of religion is important in the US, the government does not manage data related to religious affiliation, additionally, because the vast majority of Americans profess association with Christianity, the quickly available data refers mostly to Christianity - to see how difficult it is to quickly gather info, check this out...2012 Statistical Abstract - US Census -
that's PhD work....not for a blog!)
Perhaps it is a rather morbid thing for which to give thanks. I wish that almost 50% of American marriages didn't end in divorce, but if we have to get out, at least we can. At least the bottom doesn't drop out from under us. At least we can have hope for a better life. For many of my Indonesian brothers and sisters, it's just not that easy. And more often than not, that's not a good thing.
