Martyr, Victim or Beloved Child?

This week, in addition to Valentine's Day and Ash Wednesday, activities included marches called "One Billion Rising" to raise awareness of violence against women and children. These marches served to show, also, that we're not gonna take violence against women and children anymore. 

Of course, I support all initiatives to raise awareness of the evils of violence, especially domestic violence.

We should all reject violence against anybody. And that includes cultures of violence. 

We MUST challenge commonly held beliefs that violence is an acceptable means to an end. Abusers always feel justified, so by trying to explain that their behavior is acceptable serves to maintain traditions of abuse...or cultures of violence

In order to end all forms of violence, we must begin by first realizing and believing a few things.

• All people; women, children and men, deserve basic human rights. That includes a life free from the threat of acts of violence. Especially from, but certainly not limited to, their immediate families. 
• Violence, from anyone in any form, is not acceptable. It is never justified. 
• Public humiliation and shaming is a form of violence.
• The intrinsic dignity and worth of ALL people MUST be respected.
• People must be empowered to know that violence against them is never OK, whether it's physical or emotional violence. 
• Women are people, too. Not objects. Not martyrs. Not supreme beings. We are human beings with feelings, desires, and dreams. We deserve the opportunity to live our lives fully, wholly and intentionally...and so does every other human being. As full human beings, we women are also responsible for our actions. Claiming "victim" status offers no absolution in the realm of violence.

A good way to raise awareness is not only through marches and Facebook posts, but to understand how culture shapes the ideas of what is acceptable and what is not. Women are often taught that we are somehow more special in our abilities to endure suffering. We are taught that men aren't in control of themselves, but we are, and we have to be patient with them. 

That elevates our humanity and decreases theirs.

And it's wrong. In addition to decreasing male humanity, it can shift responsibility from the perpetrator to the victim (victims can be male or female) and women, especially, are supposed to gain strength through victimhood.  

Last night on television I saw a very disturbing program. I knew where it was going and yep, sure enough, it did. The show was a "Christian" show and it was kind of like an expose or talk show about one woman's experience. It began with her story of remarriage - how her son was against it, but she married again, anyway (I'm assuming that she was a widow since divorce is more taboo than any other thing I've yet to witness here...unless she was divorced and the "real" purpose of the show was to make a point of her lifelong punishment for divorcing and eventually remarrying, but I digress...) Her new husband was abusive. He often left her; he hit her if she either asked where he was going or asked him to stay home, he threw hot noodles on her at the dinner table...he treated her cruelly and much of the show was spent highlighting his cruelty.

The woman decided that she would go to church to empower her to deal with her situation. She made some friends there and apparently was told that "men are just men and she should endure his acts of violence". This seemed to empower her as if there's some saintlike quality associated with enduring suffering. Anyway, one night, the abusive husband had a stroke in his sleep. He never recovered fully and the wife is now his care giver. She persevered and is no longer abused.

But only because he had a stroke. 

That show sends the wrong message. Not all abused women are "saved" by their significant others having a stroke (!) and we shouldn't use that situation to depict that it's "saintlike" to endure perpetual abuse at the hands of someone who is supposed to provide physical and emotional care. The most troubling aspect for me was that it seemed to imply that it's the Christian thing to do to endure unnecessary suffering....or even that it's the Christian thing to do to inflict suffering!

From what we wear to how we accommodate abuse, the weight of the world rests on the shoulders of women. We are expected to suffer untold misery just because "men are men". We have to dress in ways that either entice them or calm them. We are encouraged to live our lives in ways that not only protect ourselves (in the ways that we dress, behave or speak, among others), but never to challenge or compromise the beliefs that we are endowed with some supreme ability to endure any measure of hurt, pain or externally inflicted suffering at the hands of men.  

Men are human beings who are responsible for their actions. It is not our responsibility to serve as a moral compass through our own self-imposed martyrization based on the ability to endure suffering.

A young friend of mine the other day explained why her sister broke up with her boyfriend. He had trouble not looking (gawking) at other girls. It made her heart hurt. She finally couldn't take it anymore. She felt "less than" because she believed that "men are men" and she should be strong enough to accept it. I said really? Did she not appreciate handsome boys, too? She said of course! I then asked why she didn't just gawk at them, too...no answer was forthcoming, so I provided it. 

We are TAUGHT that we're not supposed to do that. It is "beneath" us. Males are NOT taught the same thing - in fact, they are likely taught to do it and we're taught to take it, while being taught at the same time that we DON'T even have the same inclinations!

Of course, it benefits patriarchal systems if women tacitly believe that there is honor in being a victim; as if it proves how strong and honorable we are to endure the irresponsible actions of men, whether it's their abuse or that they objectify other women and disrespect us.

Back to the show and the impression that it has given me. Because the women in the show found encouragement to handle her situation in the church, a good place to build a peaceful system that doesn't honor abuse is also in the church. 

From the church, I know well that advice to hit or beat a wife into compliance is commonly given. I also know well that when a women hits her children, whether randomly or with systematic precision, it is also a supported behavior veiled under the pall of necessary discipline. 

It seems to me that this is the way that families are to deal with issues. A wife receives her husband's blows and children absorb the blows from either parent and everybody is kept in line through threat or action of violence. Because wives are women, and therefore victims (for no reason other than gender), the common belief is that they are incapable of inflicting violence. In short, the ability for anyone (except the children) within a family to use violence as a means to an end maintains some sick semblance of familial cohesion. This doesn't sound like the ideal Christian home to me.

Please don't let anything that I've said give the impression that in the instance of an abusive wife, men are not expected to endure, as well. The belief is that "men are men" and "women are just like that". Everyone is expected to suffer abuse, especially within a marriage or family.

What if you don't believe in violence? What can you do? 

What if you're a woman with a different kind of self-respect who doesn't believe it's saintlike to endure beatings?

What does she do? 

What if you're a man with an abusive wife? What if you don't believe in beating her until she "behaves"?

What does he do?

What if you're a child who receives blows for accidentally dropping a glass, or even just being in the wrong place at the wrong time? What lesson does that child learn when they're taught that their very existence is a problem?

What do they do?

The common belief seems to be that the husband has a right to beat his wife. The wife has a responsibility to take it. Wives can't be abusive because they're "victims". Men can't be "victims" because they wield the power. The poor children have to endure getting beaten by anybody and believe that it's a form of disciplining them...loving them.

And because of that, violence against women and children will not go away. 

We can march, dance and raise awareness all we want, but until we recognize the culture of violence that not only supports violence, but encourages it as a remedy to any real or perceived problem, it won't go anywhere. 

A good place to begin this recognition is in the church. 

Message of Love

Had I known it would have gone viral, I would have saved a copy for myself. However, we never know how the things that we write will be used…even obtained, so I won’t be so harsh with myself for not saving a copy for my own records. It was handwritten, on an irregular sized sheet of paper; very spur of the moment, it was. Naturally I wouldn’t have imagined that I’d need to make a copy of such a thing.

Who knows now where the copies are; however many there were, and honestly, it hardly matters. It was months later before I even discovered the popularity of my heartfelt sentiments. All I know is that it must have been pretty spectacular, even though I don’t really remember what I said. What I do know is that whatever I said last year is at least as true as it will be this year, but this time I’ll be more proactive. I’ll publicly share a message of love myself.

When I first came here, I thought that this island would be permeated with love. After working years and years to purge myself of repressed anger, a quick temper and judgement, I believed that I was ready for the experience that I would find here; arriving with an open heart, an open mind and a trusting spirit.

Little did I know, at the time, that love as I knew it, doesn't really exist here. Appreciation and individualized concern are non-existent, for the most part. You are only as valuable as the role you're expected to perform in society. Those roles are partially determined by beliefs that are agreed upon by the community at large. In other words, expectations are based on a communally determined belief system. Now, it matters little if this is "true" or not, what matters is that everybody believes it. Mass belief makes it so.

I do not exhibit the characteristics based on the expectations for the roles I was or am to perform. I never have. Divorced. Former single-parent. Ecumenical. Eat rice, hot things, fried food. Temperature doesn't bother me. In short, I don't match the expectations for a teacher, an American, or even a Christian. 

Now. I've been struggling with that for over 2 years. Most recently, for the past year, anyway, I've been on the receiving end of a hate campaign. I'm not saying that my actions don't warrant a little, ahem, reflection, both by me and others who may or not be involved, but the difference is, in a system of expectations as I described above, there is not only NO chance for dialogue, but there is also no opportunity for anybody to LEARN and to grow from life experiences. 

I'm thankful for my immediate community of neighbors and friends who do not conform to external dictates of social expectations and are full of love (in the way with which I'm familiar). It is because of them, and in particular, my Valentine, that I remain here. 

For further information, 

my previous blog posts describe everything that 

I've just touched on

... in one way or another.

Now, back to Valentine's Day. Every day for me is Valentine's Day. I have big love in my heart and in my life. I constantly struggle with the expectations, the objectification and the judgements that are not only thrown in my direction, but in the direction of friends and loved ones who are also not conforming, either by choice or circumstance, to social expectations.

As I mentioned, my sweet, handwritten Valentine note was widely distributed last year. It would be nice to think that it was done as an example of what love, true love, sounds like. 

This year, my handwritten letter of love, I am quite certain, will not be reproduced and shared without my knowledge, but as an act of remembrance, I'll share the following.

Happy Valentine's Day. May every day be one of unconditional love, honor and respect. 

May we love people, and use things, not the other way around. 

May every human being; woman, man and child feel safe, appreciated and honored in their intimate relationships. If not, may we all have the courage and compassion of St. Valentine, to defy the social edicts and honor love; the most basic of human needs and the foundation for a "good life" full of appreciation, peace and compassion.

Message of Love, The Pretenders

..the reason we're here

as man and woman

is to love each other

take care of each other

when love walks in the room

everybody stand up

oh, it's good, good, good!

...look at the people

in the streets, in the bars

we are all of us in the gutter

but some of us are looking at the stars (Oscar Wilde)

look 'round the room

life is unkind

we fall, but we keep getting up

over and over and over and over...

Me and you, every night, every day

We'll be together always this way

The Culture Vulture

“Lions, wolves, and vultures don't live together in herds, droves or flocks. Of all animals of prey, man is the only sociable one. Every one of us preys upon his neighbor, and yet we herd together.” 

John Gay

When I wrote the title to this blog, I only sought to rhyme something with culture. After choosing "vulture" and then finding the quote from the British poet and dramatist, John Gay, it sadly seemed to fit perfectly for what I wanted to say.

I've been reading a lot about culture. As I've said repeatedly, I spend more of my time being confused than anything else. Part of the reason, I've discovered, is the difference between high-context and low-context cultures as first presented by anthropologist Edward T. Hall in his book Beyond Culture (1976) (thanks, Wikipedia)

The United States is, for the most part (except the South, my region*), a low-context culture. That means that we spell everything out. We leave little to the imagination and shun assumptions. We speak directly with lots of words. We don't expect others to know the context from which we're speaking in order to understand what we need to say. We spell it out. Teaching English and helping people with English has made me very aware of this. We have so many words; each with different, subtle meanings. For example, some form of praise, accolades, appreciation, honor, admiration could all be used in this sentence: 

Her singing was met with highest _________. 

Each word is a bit different, but really all the same. We have lots of ways of saying the same thing. We might use praise in a joyful religious or ceremonial occasion, accolades in a government or military event, appreciation if the singer is respected for one reason or another, honor if the singer is an admirable person, admiration if the singer has overcome some obstacle. Of course, it's not necessary to think of those words in that way, but it's possible. It adds context to the meaning we're trying to convey.

Indonesia is a high context culture. Things only make sense if you are acutely aware of the context from which they come. Unfortunately for me, this often means a requirement to make assumptions, judgements and guesses. (It is not a good thing for me to make assumptions. I can guarantee that they won't be nice.) Therefore, I'm confused most of the time. The word I use most often to describe this phenomenon is "indah". That word can mean majestic, wonderful, beautiful, intriguing, lovely, spectacular, etc. I'm sure it can mean many other things, but what I have to realize is that I have to know what the common belief is about whatever is "indah" and apply that particular meaning to the situation being described. That's what makes it difficult. The context is determined by popular belief or common assumptions with which an individual may or may not agree. You see, what an individual experiences or believes is always "at the mercy", if I may, of what the group has determined is appropriate or legitimate. Using expressive speech is not common. English was created and has evolved to promote expression. I may think that someone is wearing a lovely blouse, so I think to use "indah". I've been told, on many occasions when I think I should use "indah" I should use "bagus" (good) or some other word.  So, friends, I am frequently confused. 

The point here is that there are commonly accepted beliefs that effect everything. From the way words are used, or not used, to the way people are treated. Everything is based on what has been socially determined as the benchmark.

Growing up in a culture that absolutely abhors "following the crowd", "keeping up with the Joneses", and "buckling to peer pressure", not to mention being a bit different anyway, and then living in a place where we have to do all those things to get along is VERY difficult. I still wonder how after the 3 psychological assessments I had to take as part of my mission co-worker vetting I was still chosen to come here. (That's where the call part comes in and I still believe that, by the way. Obviously, I'm still here.)

In spite of all this confusion, I've met many Indonesian people with the same concerns. They're not confused, of course, because they understand the context. 

But they're hurting.

“To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.”

ee cummings

It's not OK to be different. It's not OK to think differently than other people. It's not OK to go against commonly held beliefs and traditions. It's not OK to "be yourself". It's not OK to be smarter (unless you're smarter in the way that it's ok to be smarter in, whatever that happens to be). It's not OK to stand out. (innovate, experiment, create)

Maybe this sounds like whining, but it's hard for someone who's not Indonesian to comprehend. In reality, every single entity serves to reinforce the culturally accepted norms and there's nowhere to go. Family and marriage (Do what we want you to do. You owe me/us. Men are "just men". Women are like that. Children need to listen. Deal with it. Hitting? Abusing? It's OK - just don't get divorced!) University (Critical thinking skills? No value. Memorize. You'll study in the area of your presumed aptitude. Teachers know EVERYTHING. No questions.) The Church (We must sacrifice just as Jesus did. We practice "pure religion". We must act and look a certain way so that people will know who we are - an aside - I always believed "They'll know we are Christians by Our Love" ...

See what happens when I make assumptions??? Whoops. Sorry. Must practice cultural sensitivity....

I always struggle with culture. As I've said many times, I come from the South. My region is the poster child for many things that are, or were, wrong with America. Slavery. De Jure racism. Violence. Fundamentalism. Guns. (Just to name a few.)

But it is never OK to blame our actions that inflict pain on others as our culture, our traditions or "our way". If a cultural tradition hurts someone, it is not just a tradition, it is wrong. Just like buying and selling another human being. Just like separate but equal. Just like telling women to return to their angry, battering husbands. Just like anybody who says that "women are just that way" in response to abusive women. Just like shooting somebody because they made us mad. 

I believe that we can pick and choose from our cultures and traditions; what is uplifting, what inspires, what is kind. 

As I said, The South is a hot bed of wildness, but you know what else? It is one of the most diverse regions in the country. People whose ancestors once fled are coming back. We've dropped the evil legacies of the past and are promoting what is good. Love one another. Hospitality. Kindness. Hard work. The best food in the country!  

Cultures and traditions don't have to be lost. 

But hurting people in the name of your culture or traditions? Well, that's got to go.

* Wikipedia notes that The South is an anomaly; that even though it's in the US, we're a high context culture. I had to think about that a bit and yes, I guess so, but we still operate within the dominant culture of low context...and we only speak "our" way with "our" people; we know "outsiders" won't know what we mean when we say somebody's "acting like trash", for example. One thing for sure, the context with which I'm familiar and unspoken is, like every culture, unique to itself. That being said, the fact that I also come from a high context culture does little good in this high context culture.