Let There Be Peace On Earth

Once upon a time I used to write a lot about love.

I'm struggling in that area right now, maybe because it seems that I either experience so much or so little, and my responsive feelings are, unfortunately, the same. Too much or too little. Where did it go? (cue Black Eyed Peas...).

All along I've believed that love is based on the definition in Corinthians, but the concept of love is based on values; values which can be personal (based on our own experiences and understanding), cultural (social and religious, mostly), or a thoughtful mixture of both.

Recently I've been thinking that even though LOVE seems pretty clear to me, the way that I interpret it makes all the difference. My interpretation is based on my values. What is kindness? How does it look? What about patience or to "insist on your own way"?

To some people, being kind means to extend a favor in full expectation of that favor being returned. Being patient might mean to wait silently until another person reaches the same conclusion that you've already made. And for some people, the person who lives openly as a "fill-in-the-blank-with-any-marginalized-identity" is pushing or forcing their lifestyle onto them. Rudeness may be interpreted as engaging in a discussion in which there are differences of opinion. The list is endless, but what it reflects isn't just the definition of love; it's the value system that creates the definition.

At one point in my life, I might have argued about love. I would willingly banter back and forth, feeding and receiving scriptures and experiences until at last, some conclusion was reached. That kind of activity, however, relies on a willingness to engage. A willingness to communicate with efforts to not only argue, but to empathize, to seek common ground, and to honestly listen to the other; the "other" with whom we have a completely different understanding of the same word, no less.

Without such willingness, how can we build peace? How can we dialogue with one another when we have confidently drawn deep lines in the sand based on our own values and beliefs? When everybody knows their own values and beliefs are right, why do we even need to discuss anything together?

I don't have the answer to those questions, but I do know this.

Without intentional, honest, and respectful dialogue with others who have different understandings of the world based on their own values and experiences, there can be no peace.

Peace can't be forced, bought, bombed, or bribed.

Different value systems make the struggle for peace difficult.

Ignoring it won't make it go away. Shutting people out and trying to keep them quiet won't make it go away. Peace is not passed down, handed over, or traded.

Peace is built. And it has to be built together.

This Christmas season as we around the world witness violence, pain and exclusion, misuse of power, and deep, unrelenting hurt, please let's stop before we lay blame.

Blame feeds a vicious cycle that burns fast and hot. No one is spared.

When we're busy pointing fingers, whether "rightly" or "wrongly", peace isn't going to climb out of the rubble.

We have to be willing to listen to each other.

I have no idea how that's going to happen or even what it looks like. People have to care before they'll listen and it hasn't been my immediate experience that people with severely different values want to listen to each other.

I pray that such an awareness can make a difference, but I know too well that nobody wants to talk about values.

It's just so much easier to be confident in our right-ness.

As I reflected on what I had written so far while I was preparing a little food, I realized that love, values, and peace could be considered as the ingredients for tolerance, but as is the case, I assume, with many Americans, I don't really like that word.

We tolerate what we don't like because we can't do anything about it, not because we are at peace, in peace, or with peace about it. Tolerance does not contribute to real, sustainable peace.

Tolerance sneers at "the other" and can't wait for "them" to leave.

Peace sees "the other" and carries on about the business of peace.

This Christmas, I want to understand peace. I want to understand how to be a peacemaker.

Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me.

Storytime!

Yesterday was the first day to begin reading with some kids in the neighborhood. As many of you know, I believe that reading is THE BEST way to improve English skills. I also think that kids need to experience English in a more fun/informal, less structured way sometimes. We had a fun time - I read 3 books and then helped my older friends (who are helping me to gather kids to read with!) with a little English homework. I'm really thankful for the time we spent, the books that friends from home have sent, and the opportunities we'll share to have a little fun making English more accessible!

We read Ten Apples Up On Top (Theo LeSieg), My Friend Rabbit (Eric Rohmann), and The Story of Ferdinand the Bull (Munro Leaf). They loved My Friend Rabbit!

Brett Bart Blackburn

There was a joke of sorts that my father used to say...he said that had I been a boy, my name would have been Brett Bart Blackburn. I don't remember if he or I added the bit about how easy it would have been to call me if that had been my name; blubbering lips with an extended index finger for the b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b sound. I guess ever since then I've had an affinity for alliteration.

Mixed with stream of consciousness writing, alliteration is a fun thing for me. Maybe it was the combination of Dr, Suess and Shel Silverstein, or maybe even Loony Toons, but one of my favorite things about the English language is that it's so fun to play with.

Booger noses, garden hoses, sticking up your butt
Sweat beads and bumble bees, a dirty paper cut

I wrote two-pages in high school that began with those two lines - it's the only thing I've ever written that I've lost and surely hate not having. Just reading the lines that I recall transports me to that day - I remember every visual that inspired those lines, even though I'm certain that nothing was really sticking up anybody's butt, at least literally.

There's a big, brown bear behind me

That's been on repeat in my head for about 2 weeks now, so I think it's time to do something with it. Maybe it'll get it out and give me some peace. At least for the moment,

There's a big, brown bear behind me.

His soft feet fall so gently

He's never far, he's just right there

Slowly and moving deliberately

I know his name. He's my old friend

We used to be together often

He protected me, and I fed him

His name is Big Brown Bitter

Big Brown Bitter and Blaming Blathering Blackburn were inseparable, it's true 

She would act and he would respond - victims, both, those two

Of course it was never just the act or response that kept it going

It was careful thinking, reading, too

And a healthy dose of rebellion 

Hard heads make for soft asses

You'll get kicked from here to there

But banking on bitter and blather and blame

Help the cycle begin again

It is said that no good deed goes unpunished

But what of the bad, I say?

There's Big Brown Bitter and all he says is

bb--b-b-b--b--b-b-b-bb-bb

They lied! They lied! It was all a farce

But you complied, he said

I knew it was weird and I knew it seemed wrong

But I followed anyway

I have to remember and I have to remind

Myself of how it began

If it were for fun

If it were for money

I'd surely have gone some place else

But I was following and I'll continue to do it

With the bear who used to be beside me, behind me

Repairing the Damage

I just found this today and realized that I never published it. Throwback Thursday, indeed.

Often when people think of mission, they assume it relates to “doing something". Repairing a building or digging a well. The Presbyterian Church (USA) describes mission "in partnership" and it is guided by five principles: 1. Shared grace and thanksgiving. 2. Mutuality and interdependence. 3. Recognition and respect. 4. Open dialogue and transparency. 5. Sharing of Resources.  

(Please see Presbyterians Do Mission in Partnership)

I recently attended a workshop on community development. That's the short of it, but as is typical in Indonesia, that's the tip of the iceberg. On the island of Sulawesi, a consortium of 9 churches is working together to discuss what they are doing for their communities, possibly to reduce replication and strengthen the efficacy of all their programs by developing a more unified, systematic methodology in response to a grant from Evangelical Mission in Solidarity (EMS); a regional association of churches in South Germany.

Talk about partnership. It's beautiful to see how people work together, build relationships, communicate, laugh and plan. It is truly representative of the Body of Christ. It is global, international and overflowing with love and a sense of justice.

Upon arrival, I met the event coordinators assembled from the 9 churches. Later, I met the representatives from EMS. We had a brief, but refreshing, conversation about what they are doing, what the Presbyterian Church (USA) is doing and we lightly touched on some of the challenges.

As any Western Christian serving in a country that was once a colony of a Western country knows, once upon a time, the Church and the associated workers did not always act in the best interests of the people, but sometimes in collusion with the colonial government (intentionally or not, I might add). Of course, many mission workers rallied against imperialism and fought for the rights of the people they were sent to serve, but unfortunately, the residual impacts from when that did not happen are the obstacles that seem to pose some of the greatest challenges in the present time.

We in the US are proud of our “Protestant” background. “The Church reformed, always reforming”. ( Nice article from Patheos ) Christianity grew, developed, and evolved. I’m thinking this is a greater challenge in places where religion was planted in a very intentional, very “right” and “pure” way. Any deviation from the teachings of the “Mother Church” could cause problems; social, economic, governmental, etc. In other words, the ‘hermeneutic tradition” that I now know I always took for granted, may not have deep roots in all Christian communities. ( Hermeneutics )

For us, in partnership and patience, our focus is often not on creating, but on repairing the damage from a past which created too much; “top down” authority, exploitation, oppression, ill-fated “acculturation/assimilation”, out of context social/economic expectations. The Accra Confession, adopted by the delegates of the World Alliance of Reformed Churches (WARC) (of which PC(USA) is a member church) describes some of the injustices that continue to have a negative impact today. ( Accra Confession PC(USA) )

Even though we know these things, it is difficult for Westerners to enter service with a knowledge base that is very implementation oriented; our culture requires that we "make things happen". But, we are not here to "get things done". We are not here to show people how to do things like "we do".

We are here to work WITH. To listen. To understand. To build friendships, relationships, to worship together...and to share resources.   We learn, they learn, but it is through our actions and our love reflected through the power of partnership. It is not motivated by the need to "do” something.

In love, respect and humility, we still have a role to play in the world. We still need to be "out there", but we need to know that the times have changed. The context is different. We are all the Body of Christ. We are One. Our Body is healthier when it is nourished with love, understanding and real relationships. And the Body needs to be nourished so that it can grow, evolve and embrace. And the only thing that often "needs doing" is changing our attitude about that we need to "do".

Please pray for the people who humble themselves to work together, who see beyond denominational, ethnic, economic, cultural and linguistic differences, among other things, to build a healthy Body that is fortified by love, understanding and real relationships. We all have a place in that Body. Are you ready?

John 15:12-17

New International Version (NIV)

12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. 15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. 17 This is my command: Love each other.

Salam Dua Jari (or "Why I Care About an Election in a Country Other Than My Own")

Today is a good day.

On July 9, Indonesians went to their respective polling places to choose who would be their president for the next 5 years.

Legitimate news outlets and quick counts produced by respected organizations reported that the current Governor of Jakarta (and former Mayor of Solo), Joko Widodo (or Jokowi as he is commonly known) was the winner with anywhere from a 5.5 to 7 percent lead. These results were contested by the candidate with less votes and the country had to wait until today, almost two weeks later, to learn the results. Millions of paper ballots from the entirety of Indonesia had to be counted by hand.

As many people expected and based on the original projections, Jokowi was announced the winner with a total vote percentage of 53.15%.

Today is a good day.

I first learned about Jokowi in 2011 when I visited the town of Solo, Central Java, where Jokowi was serving as mayor. The town looked different, it felt different, and people looked happier. From a planning perspective, Solo was doing something right. I asked my friend about it and was quickly told that it was because Solo had an amazing mayor. Jokowi was (and is) known for the rapport he created with the people. I was also told that he had sought the counsel of urban planning professionals and others in order to make his city beautiful and functional. From more humble beginnings that most politicians, he listened to the people in the community. He heard them. To me, it seemed he respected their opinions, perspectives and dreams. He empowered them. To me, he loved them. I've been his fan ever since.

In 2012, Jokowi was elected to the position of Governor in one of the largest cities in the world, Jakarta, the capital of Indonesia. From the very beginning, he started making changes. Continuing his vision, he empowered the people. He listened to them. He respected them. He worked hard, tirelessly pushing for efficient government services, clean rivers, responsible leadership, honesty, and service to the communities. On a recent visit to Jakarta, I could see his influence...I saw the rivers being cleaned, I road the buses with exclusive lanes, I walked on safe, maintained sidewalks. I saw clean parks and big trees. And I felt the love.

It's hard to believe that one person can make such a difference, but he has. Known for his down-to-earth style, plaid shirts with rolled up sleeves, and a penchant for Metallica, he hasn't done the amazing things he's done alone. He is a catalyst. An empowering human being who loves his people, his community, and his country enough to work to be the change. Listening to the people, honoring the integrity of tradition, humble and intelligent in seeking counsel from professionals when needed, and strong enough to get the job done, Jokowi is the penultimate leader who can inspire, empower, and most of all, love.

People all over the world deserve such leaders; leaders who have a vision for a better future for all people - every person in the community. I believe Jokowi is that person for Indonesia. I am very happy for my friends here who will enjoy a bright, empowered, and love-filled future!

And that is why I care about an election in a country other than my own. All citizens, everywhere, deserve a leader who loves them.

Today is a good day. Salam tiga jari.

On Politics...and Perspective

There seems to be little consensus on the definition of "Politics", but as I define it and as is described here,

Politics is the process by which groups of people make decisions.

I like this way of considering politics because as we all know, any time a decision is to be made, whether at home, in the office, in our places of worship or of course, in our national/social relations, some form of politics (based on power) is involved.

Sometimes when people think of politics they think of elections, forms of government, and national leaders. For me, politics is much broader and everybody, whether intentionally or not, plays a role in that process.

This is the year that Indonesians will elect a new president. It's a big thing here in the relatively new (70-something year old) democracy and based on what I've seen, while the context is different, the story is the same.

The choices, without going into too much detail, seem familiar; conservative/progressive, right wing/left wing, old guard/new breed - who will it be?

Beyond those common terms, there is a bigger issue and it is not confined to any one place, but in a very basic way of thinking. (more on that later)

Today I realized that our decisions, no matter where we are, are always based on more than a person, party, or process, but on our individual world views; how we see the world. Is it a scary place? Is it a beautiful place? Are we, as individuals, full of fear for ourselves and others, or full of love and compassion, as scary as that, too, often is?

My cousin and I were having a meaningful chat the other day and I mentioned to her my dislike for the word "expatriate". I do not like being considered as such, to which she responded "well, cuz, you most certainly are one now". I thought really? Yeah, I don't think so, but I couldn't figure out why.

Now I know.

Usually when we use the prefix "ex", it implies that we have broken from the following word, so in addition to its meaning that such a person no longer lives in the country of origin, to be an expatriate implies that we no longer support or associate with our country of origin. Here's the Miriam Webster definition...

I don't like that because while the meaning may be accurate, the implication is just not true. Most certainly in my case, but I'm sure for others, as well.

What then, is an appropriate term for a person who no longer lives in their country of origin, but who still loves it, supports it, and specifically, believes in an idealistic concept of democracy?

Global citizen? World Citizen?

By choosing to replace the term "expatriate" (which for me sound terribly negative) with a different term (which sounds vague, to me, and possibly scary to many!) isn't as much about meaning or implication as it is about perspective.

A friend of mine converted religions long before I knew him. In describing that metamorphosis, he said it wasn't about leaving one as much as it was about "expanding into the other" - not leaving who you were behind, but growing bigger to encompass new ideas, new perspectives, and sometimes, new beliefs. So maybe a better term for "expatriate" is "expander"; one who expands.

Now back to perspective. In the words we choose to use, as well as the information we use to make decisions, it seems to me, as absolutist as it may be, that people primarily begin at one of two places; a place of love, hope and faith or a foundation based on fear, exclusion, and protection.

In this election year, it's obvious that those two choices are forcing people to evaluate how they make their decisions. The choices are in stark contrast to each other.Will they choose a candidate based on their hopes, their inspirations for a better future for all citizens? A new, empowered life? Or will they choose the seemingly tried and true, comfortable shoe because they're scared that the new pair might be uncomfortable and can't be broken in?

Democracy requires an educated populace and a desire, I would say, for freedom. Freedom to innovate, Freedom to "be". And the freedom to choose our leaders.

My point is that all decisions are processes of politics that are based on a set of perspectives and beliefs.

Very often, the end result isn't as important as how the place from which we're speaking when we make important decisions impacts our very lives; in our homes, in our work, in our communities, societies, and countries.

I know I know for sure

That life is beautiful around the world

Around the World

Red Hot Chili Peppers

Romanticizing Community

In the USA, we have this tendency to either romanticize or demonize communal/collectivist societies.*

On one hand we have the idea that "it takes a village to raise a child" and this related image has been very popular on Facebook lately,

On the other hand, we have the idea that it's nothing short of evil to "keep up with the Joneses" and this quote, also popular on Facebook lately, speaks volumes for the way we value individuality, as well as the way we view community:

It's been my experience over the past few years of living in a "collectivist or communal" society that there is little concern for people beyond their adherence, or lack of adherence, to the norms and mores of the community, no matter what and no matter, even, if they're family.

In other words, the typical American views about communal culture are wrong. There's no "love of the people within a community" and there's certainly no value for the individual feelings or thoughts of the members. The objective is a sense of social/communal comfort based on conformity. The goals are to follow and to copy others. Members must make other people feel comfortable by changing their own own attitudes and behaviors. 

During the training that I had before coming here, we were told over and over that "doing" is not valued in communal cultures. As Americans, we often base our opinions of ourselves and others on what we "do". That can range from our jobs to our personal behavior, but the components involve action; having a lofty title is great, but what do we "do" with it? Likewise, we may be employed as a janitor, but a strong work ethic and kind heart can make all the difference in whether other people value us, or not. 

In a communal culture, it's true that more value is placed on "being" as opposed to doing. There is, however, a problem with the American interpretation of "being". We think of "being" as existing. Being ourselves. Being natural. Being honest, even. Based on my experience and what I've seen, that is decidedly NOT the way "being" actually works. The focus on "being" is based, very often, on things out of one's control (race, ethnicity, nationality, inherited social status) or on the outcomes of some kind of privilege including educational attainment, job title, or marital status. One of the biggest conundrums many Americans face here is that we're still thinking about the "do" part of "being". If you have a bachelor's degree or higher, aren't you capable of "doing" more high level thinking? Aren't you supposed to continue learning? Aren't you supposed to use the knowledge that you supposedly gained? Aren't you "doing" the responsibilities associated with that job title? Leading, managing, teaching? Staying on top of the latest trends and economic indices, if applicable? If you are a spouse, aren't you "doing" the job delegated to your position in the household? Making the money, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the yard? Reading to your children?

Being implies that you are what (not WHO) you are - nothing more is required. You don't have to "do" anything once you get the position...other than keep it - by any means necessary, I might add. Once a degree is received, you're finished. You don't have to "do" anything more. And finally, once you're married, and especially for women who have already tackled the responsibility of giving birth, your responsibility is over. From the point of gaining the education, job, or marital status, the focus is on "being" that role - not "doing" that role.

And that's really hard for a lot of us to get our arms around.

Value in the community is absolutely placed on the role one carries. No action is required other than keeping the role. 

What that may create is artful, or awful, pretending. Pretending to be productive. Pretending to be a kind spouse. Pretending to believe the word of God that is heard or even spoken. Perhaps that's why there is so much corruption, nepotism, back-alley negotiation, and even environmental destruction. Anything different involves "doing" and that's not necessary, so why bother? Follow. Conform. Do what you're told. Know your place...

I'll never forget a staff meeting many years ago (in the US) in which the staff actually attempted a form of appreciation and shared ideas for empowering the team only to be shut down with the admonition that "this isn't some kind of kum-ba-ya organization". The implication was clear - such concerns for the group, as a whole, are akin to the spiritual song in which people sit in a circle holding hands as they sway side to side and sing...mushy...kum-ba-ya. Togetherness. Feel-good. Mutual appreciation. Disdain that's not surprising from a culture that seemingly values individualism above all else, or is it?  

My point is that just because people are sitting in a circle holding hands, singing and swaying, does not mean that their needs are being honored. Many Americans see such an image through our own cultural ideas of valuing other people as individuals (of course I do the exact same thing - my lens is VERY American - Southern, to be exact). 

We are often not aware of the ones who've been sent from the circle, banished from the village, shut down and kicked out. Too often, anybody who doesn't want to sit in the circle and sing, or maybe wants to sing a different song, is banished to the netherworld. In some communal societies, that idea of kum-ba-ya couldn't be farther from the truth. The practice of some communal societies is not based on an American idea of "community" in which all members are valued, but upon the idea of conformity; ideas and actions that do not conform to the status quo cause friction - destroy the "harmony" (even though harmony requires that different notes play at the same time...) 

To maintain a semblance of "harmony" or unity, the following are much more applicable: subtle pressure, ultimatums, or bullying to force compliance, accepting and submitting to the power of peer pressure, and finally, contributing to and/or excusing the marginalization of minority opinions and/or people.

Those realities fly in the face of what many Americans assume when we think of communal societies and the idea of community...but maybe that's because even though we're thinking of a supposedly different social structure, we're still using our values to define it and give it meaning. We assume that each individual has intrinsic worth - dignity, rights, and is valuable. In some communal societies, the value of the individual only goes as far as his or her ability to conform to the expectations of the group, and maybe most of all, to "be" their role in the social structure.

Now let's talk about us - Americans. People from the United States... 

What is this individualism that we seem to value? Is it selfishness? Is it looking out for our own self-interest? Is it defined by "the wolf of Wall Street? Do we value that? Who is "our"? Our gender, race, or religion? Are we capable of going beyond our own interests and doing anything for "the common good"?

I believe that we are - I believe that our focus on the individual is something very beautiful. The flip side of egocentric individuality is the idea (nay, belief) that there is something of intrinsic value in each person that is not determined by her/his "group". That is individualism and that idea, I believe, is very beautiful. 

Appreciating an individual involves honoring their very individuality - their struggles, their ideas, their victories, their defeats, even; "who" this person is - individually. What that means is that groups can form based on ideas, principles, values - it can be cohesive and functional - kind and supportive - free of externally imposed concepts of identity (man/woman, white/non-white, this religion/that religion). We can come together - hash it out, maybe even learn something new and grow. We can become a melting pot or even a freshly tossed salad!

It is exactly through honoring the individual that true community can be built - one based on shared values and commitment to those values - rather than one based on the very things of which we have no control, such as gender, race, or ethnicity. We can also move beyond the things that can be TOO controlled; educational attainment, job titles, and marital status. Additionally, kindness matters. Anyone can be kind. Kindness is an individual attribute and it is shared, primarily, one-on-one with other individuals. 

Thank you for reading this long reflection. I just want to say and to remind us that there's nothing wrong with individualism and there's nothing wrong with the idea of community. We all just need to remember to appreciate the real goals. A community is composed of many individuals. Love one another. Be kind. Listen.

Neither individualistic culture nor communal culture provide the answer. And that's exactly why we must move into a new direction. Let's stop romanticizing, or even demonizing, what we've created in our own imaginations. Let's build a new way. Shall we?

*This definition, taken from the Geert Hofstede Centre website, explains such social dynamics as this:

...individualism, can be defined as a preference for a loosely-knit social framework in which individuals are expected to take care of only themselves and their immediate families. Its opposite, collectivism, represents a preference for a tightly-knit framework in society in which individuals can expect their relatives or members of a particular in-group to look after them in exchange for unquestioning loyalty...

(For more resources related to this theme, see this link. For the synopsis of Indonesia or the US, click here or here, respectively. To see Indonesia compared directly the the US, click here.)

Peer Pressure, Bullying and the Fight Against Conformity

I wrote this a long time ago (July or August of 2012), but couldn't bring myself to publish it - I am fully of the opinion that I need to be quiet if I don't have something nice to say - for the most part, anyway. I've edited it and tried to clarify some points, specifically to make very clear that I am NOT in any way blaming a group, but I am pointing to a specific way of thinking and acting. 

That being said, there are people who are surprised by certain acts of violence that have recently occurred in the city where I first lived in Indonesia. I'm sorry to say that I was not at all surprised, but very sad all the same. 

In the original, unedited version of this post, there were a handful of examples. I think now that such things are unnecessary and detract from the more important message:

Bullying can lead to violence. We must speak out and when we see it happen. It is not OK. When we're quiet, we contribute to a system that not only commits violence, but normalizes it.

Prejudice, stereotyping, lying, and exploiting or objectifying people in the name of culture and tradition will eventually cause problems.  Repeated, hate-filled aggression against the human dignity of another - whether secretly and discretely behind the scenes, spoken publicly with lies in practiced tones of condescension and manipulation, or the act of marginalization and shutting-out those who dare to challenge such a system - will not stay hidden forever...

The slightly updated post follows.

“In the United States, bullying is a trend. Here, it is the culture”

(an anonymous friend)

I’ve struggled with uncomfortable feelings regularly ever since my arrival, but I’ve never been able to put my finger on the reason. Is it culture shock? Do I just miss my family, friends, and community in the US?

The feelings, however, seemed to be something else entirely; reminiscent of middle school and responding to the subtle pressure of nuanced attacks from my peers to conform. I was fighting the real or perceived need to revert into a rebellious, young teenager to protect myself from the constant pressures that I originally decided were just a part of “communal culture”. Now, after a bit more time, I think I know why I felt so strangely. What seems at first as concern or common chitty-chat is actually a highly developed and very sneaky form of bullying.

Whether it's “playing mind games” or downright bullying is of no relevance. 

Both are forms of emotional abuse and in some cases, emotional abuse leads to physical abuse. When we excuse one, we unwittingly allow the other, at the very least, we create a welcoming environment for outward acts of violence.

Emotionally abusive assaults are wielded with the precision of the most technologically advanced weaponry and the most cutting remark can be delivered with a compassionate, friendly smile. Because it’s not direct, but passive, it’s harder to guard against. The light version of such a thing is sustained pressure through mocking and anonymous messaging via hand phone or various other social media outlets. The full-on version intended to punish as opposed to mere pressuring includes destruction of support networks, embarrassing or belittling statements made in front of friends or co-workers, and a constant effort to tear down or discredit with sarcasm, ridicule and taunts, until the recipient is broken and compliant. Additionally, communication (sharing or not sharing information) is also a tool used to enforce and establish the “proper” status-related positions and social behaviors. Because of the delivery methods and the commonly held definition of a friend (basically anyone who is not a stranger, i.e. you’ve met once before, you work together, etc.), it can sometimes be too late before you realize what’s happening. The idea of “everybody being a friend” was one of the things I liked most about it here when I arrived. I thought friends treated each other with care, empathy, and respect. Friend, however, is just a word.

Within such a communal culture, conformity to the norms of the group, or at least to the norms of the majority opinion, are expected. How can true dialogue ever exist in such an environment? An unfortunate fallout from this is that often the minority voice is not only ignored, but expertly suppressed. It creates conflict to have differing opinions or ideas. Only the norms specified by the majority matter...unfortunately, sometimes these norms fly in the face of what would seem to be the proper ones. Such norms include outright lying (or intentionally twisting the truth), lack of mutuality or accountability in relationships, and the absence of treating others the way you would like to be treated.  Being genuine or having integrity often takes a backseat to the will of the majority and/or the established status quo. Additionally, making assumptions, passing judgement and espousing prejudices as truth are also often acceptable and expected. Of course those things happen everywhere, but not tolerated and certainly not cultivated!

I liked a photo on Facebook once. It was of a young girl, maybe 12 or 13 years old, holding a sign beside a vehicle while her presumed father was filling up the tank. The sign said “I told a lie to my father”. A friend commented that he, too, agrees that children shouldn’t lie to their parents, but that public humiliation is a form of violence and with that he cannot abide. It was that interchange that helped me to see what I’ve come to learn. The aforementioned methods of coercion often employ such shaming tactics as public humiliation. Shaming and shame do not value human dignity, but force adherence to socially accepted norms. If those socially accepted norms excuse and justify hurt, oppression, fear, and prejudice, then that's where the trouble begins.

“Shame is a reaction to other people's criticism, 
an acute personal chagrin at our failure to live up to our obligations and
the expectations others have of us.
In true shame oriented cultures, every person has a place and a duty in the society. 
One maintains self-respect, not by choosing what is good rather than what is evil, 
but by choosing what is expected of one.”

And now I understand that it’s a form of violence, even though I’ve felt it all along.

The point of this commentary is to share that I am now aware, as never before, of a culture of violence that affects many; the voices of dissent within majority groups, students, teachers, workers, children, and spouses, among others. 

People are hurting because of systematic bullying cultivated through established social hierarchies. 

Reflecting on recent acts of violence in the United States, we must all be aware that there is no culture, religion, ethnicity, or even gender more disposed to acts of violence than any other. Human beings are violent. Violence happens everywhere. 

We all have a responsibility to stop it. We must listen to others. We must value all life - live and let live. We must not shut down different opinions and ideas, and we must not accept attempts to maintain systems that are harmful. 

We must live with love and intention, and maybe most of all, we must speak out and speak up when people are hurting, because we all are. No shame. No punishment. No prejudice. 

Let love rule. 

Yes, Actually, I DID Need Some Cheese with that Whine

It looks that this has been the longest stint in a while that I've gone without writing a post. What, pray tell, have I been doing lately?

It seems that I've been swimming around a bit in a pool of despair, tangled in the groping vines of victimhood, and flailing amidst ideas of incompetence and defeat.

That sounds fun and productive, doesn't it? (especially considering that I'm happier, in many ways, than I've ever been and have more to be grateful for than at almost any other time in my life)

So what was wrong?

In looking back, it seems that I've never had trouble relying on my faith to get me through tough times - in fact, I am so sure of my faith when times are hard that it seems to others, maybe, that I just barrel through, recklessly and determined. During those times, it's not me, it's faith that carries me.

Why then, when times are NOT tough, but in fact happy, safe, and stable, that I struggle? Is it as if I only rely on God and my faith when I should otherwise be terrified, but as soon as things are fine and straight that I think "I've got this now, thanks"... and then I don't.

This creates a vicious cycle of entitlement and responsibility that somehow manages to relegate faith to a service position, a back-up plan, of sorts, rather than constantly maintaining God's position as the driver and the One who is truly in control.

That's not how it is and grace doesn't work like that.

God isn't sitting back waiting for us to fail or to be in a position of need before He grabs us. He has us everyday, all the time, but why is it so much easier to rely on His hand when we're in trouble?

Is it pride? Is it that American work ethic that says "I'll do all I can to hold up my end, but I know you're there if I need you"?

What is it?

After a bit of reflection, I'm thinking that maybe it is that the grace of God is beyond human comprehension. Even when we KNOW we don't earn it, we still think we have to do something to honor it. (I didn't say honor God, I said honor the concept of grace)

So, while I was busy whining to myself that I'm not working (not making an income, but not even permitted to work because of the kind of governmental permission I have to even be here), living outside the bounds of "community" (for a multitude of reasons), and even worrying myself to death that I'm going to turn into a pumpkin again because there are too many good things to eat, I lost sight of the most important gifts that led to a comfortable place, albeit a place where doubt and self-pity can sneak in to wreak havoc.

So instead of focusing my energy towards the negatives I can create, I'm going to focus on my beautiful life. I'm going to be thankful and full of gratitude and compassion, but most of all, I'm going to remember that God not only has me when the going is rough and hard, but when life is, indeed, beautiful.

I will follow in happiness as strongly as I have when I should have been terrified. The love of God and His supreme grace always have me. I trust His will and will not worry in my joy anymore than I worried in my fear.

Amen and thanks be to God.

Statement of Faith

While organizing the contents of my Google drive, I happened upon this document. It was a part of the application package for my former position with the Presbyterian Church (USA). It contains my personal "Statement of Faith".

I read a lot. My faith is my strength and my commitment to being a good Christian is true. I'm human. I do and have done things that either don't seem right or aren't right, but everything I do or have done has been preceded with the thought "Will I be accountable for this?"

My faith has not lessened, but in fact has grown. I am always amazed and thankful that God loves me...and I always feel it, especially when He reaches down and grabs me - saving me from a fall....again and again.

I believe in God the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth, and in Jesus Christ his only Son our Lord; who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, dead, and buried; he descended into hell; the third day he rose again from the dead; he ascended into heaven, and sitteth on the right hand of God the Father Almighty; and thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead.  I believe in the Holy Ghost; the holy catholic church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body; and the life everlasting. Amen

My faith is a calm, cool body of water in which I, as a fish, swim. As a fish cannot survive without its watery home, I too am dependent upon my faith to sustain me and to give me life.  Additionally, while the identity of a fish is always associated with its dependence on water, so too do I seek to identify myself as a faithful Christian through my actions, words and service.  

God be in my head and in my understanding; God be in my eyes and in my looking; God be in my mouth and in my speaking; God be in my heart and in my thinking; God be at my end and my departing. (Prayer from the Old Sarum Primer)   

My conscious life in Christ began in the Presbyterian Church where my mother was the organist. I learned from an early age not only to praise God through music, but to hear His voice through music, as well.  For almost four years, I have been a member of the choir at Plaza Presbyterian church where I’ve been a member since 1999.  Pre-choir days, I thoroughly enjoyed sitting with the Congregation, engaged in worship from that perspective.  I wanted to open my heart and have the Word poured in.   Singing in the choir is more than joyfully singing – we lead worship, we assist in worship and we are active participants in worship – a far cry from the peaceful refuge in the back of the church! For me, singing in the choir is a joy and a responsibility– much like being a Christian.

“…Let all rejoice who have a voice to raise! And may God give us faith to sing always! Alleluia!”

Through God’s grace we are saved, and we cannot “earn” God’s love or forgiveness.  Through Jesus Christ we may revel in the glorious grace of God.  However, I believe that as Christians we have certain responsibilities.  God sent Jesus to show us that He loves us – as such, I believe that we are responsible for loving each other.  I believe that this is also a great challenge.  As human beings we all have particular failings inherent in the very nature of our humanity.  As Christians, we are to rise above those sinful ways but also not to judge or to detest others for exhibiting the same traits that we fight against, sometimes successfully, sometimes not.  As Christians we are commanded to love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength.  We are also directed to love one another.  We share God’s love with others by being kind, serving God in our churches and communities, and by humbly listening for God’s voice through the din of the world.

“…and they’ll know we are Christians by our love…”

What does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?      Micah 6:8

A Few of My Favorite Things...(blast (blessed?) from the past)

Sometimes I go through my drafts of posts that I started and didn't finish to determine if I want to finish any of them...I don't know why I didn't finish this one, but it's a blast from the past as it contains of pictures of my favorite things in my favorite place in the city where I used to live. That house and my neighbors there are something for which I will always be grateful. The house was an oasis and my neighbors were so full of love and true kindness.

From the original...

I'm not very materialistic, I know things can be lost, stolen, broken, or ruined, but I have some sentimental things that are very special to me...and yes, they're lovely and warm my heart. So please - enjoy, for these are a few of my favorite things...

Gift from Sulawesi from friend who let me babysit her cat while she was gone :-)

I've always wanted this kind of curtain in a doorway - I got to have one here

The front door with a shot of the beautiful light that filled the house when the sun was out - so almost every day!

The best kamar mandi (bathroom) big and roomy with a sunlight

My big happy mirror

Cepot the wise (gift from a very smart graduate student and friend) 

I understand that this Buddha's hand position means "do not be afraid"...when I found that out, I knew that's why I had to have this from the very first time I saw it. 

My shelf of happy things, especially the little round frame with a drawing my daughter did when she was still a little girl

Hanuman, a gift from my dear Yani

A visitor to my house from Korea saw this and thought I was Catholic. I think the line between Catholic and Protestant in the US is less defined. We all try to follow Christ.

My monkeys from Bali

Some books...

I slept on the floor like this for more than 2 years. I've always loved sleeping on the floor much more than sleeping in a bed.

The Queen of the South Sea. 

Che, from a small make up bag a friend brought me from France many years ago...

This map won an award in the US and was a gift to me from my dear sister Carolie

Map of Indonesia. I like maps.

My very favorite couch...it's old and wonderful.

Volcanic ash magnified...looks sharp and dangerous, doesn't it? 

"Conquer the Fears and Strive with Love" (English Speaking Competition, 2014)

This past weekend I had the honor to sit with two other people on the judge's panel for a national English speaking competition.

The participants were high school students from all over Indonesia and there were three sections of the competition; debate, storytelling and speech. I was one of the adjudicators for the speech competition.

The day began at 7 Saturday morning. I would hear 42 young people giving speeches meant to inspire, entertain, or inform, but all in some way or another reflected the theme of the event, to "conquer the fears and strive with love". Each contestant would be given a score for Manner (fluency and pronunciation, grammar, and expression and intonation), Matter (the content of the speech), and Method (how well they adhered to the minimum 7 minutes/maximum 10 minute rule). The scoring scale is a bit different from the scales with which I'm most familiar and that caused a bit of delay in my scoring method, but I believe that I scored as fairly as possible. The participants were selected and sent from their respective high schools, so I was dealing with people who had already passed the "average" mark!

1 - 30    =  poor
31 - 50  =  below average
51 - 75  =  average
76 - 90  =  above average
91 - 100 = excellent

The competition was handled by a competent student committee that kept everything rolling along smoothly. They had everything under control in a very professional, kind, and respectful way, as well as provided snacks and lunch for us, too!

At the beginning of the session, the rules were explained and students were asked not to talk and distract the speakers. Shortly after the competition began, we added a couple of extra rules. We added a bit of additional time between speakers (for a total time of less than 2 minutes) for the judges to thoroughly complete the scoring for each participant and we also asked participants who wished to leave the room to go between speakers. Those small changes were actually huge because we were able to respect each participant with thoughtful scores and each participant was given the opportunity to speak in an attentive room free of comings and going, as well as noise and chatter. Small things make a big difference and I believe that we created a kinder, more appreciative environment for everybody. The committee's willingness to employ those changes, straight out of a classroom management textbook, is to be commended!

It's always refreshing to hear the voices of young people and students (of all ages). There's so much hope, optimism, and idealism. The judges were given the opportunity to share some words of encouragement and after telling them how impressed I was with their speeches, I told them not to lose their great ideas, their hope and visions for a better world. I said that people will try to tell them that those are "childish ideas", but that they can actually still be idealists - even when they're as old as I am! They laughed a bit at that one!

After listening to 42 speeches, no matter the topic, some common sentiments emerged...equality, ending racism, being true to yourself, having courage, and following your dreams.

Some speakers had apparently been "trained" in speech delivery - they had the gestures down, they could raise and lower their voices to mimic passion, their diction and grammar was acceptable, but after the first round of finalists was announced, to my surprise, none of those "trained" speakers made the first cut. The people who were selected as the 16 who would move onto the next section were natural speakers...maybe they didn't produce everything perfectly, but that's what made them engaging. They were human beings sharing their perspectives, their opinions, and their strengths. Because of that, I think, we could follow along, understand and pay attention to them. They were real. And they were powerful speakers.

Some time was given, 30 minutes, I believe, for the 16 first round finalists to prepare for the next session. They were given a choice from 5 basic themes for their next speech. I didn't see the list of theme names, but based on what they presented, the themes must have been destiny & dreams, independence, family, racism, and how to stop worrying. Racism and family were chosen the most; 5 and 6 speakers, respectively, for each of those topics. Destiny & dreams and independence were chosen by 2 speakers each and only 1 for how to stop worrying.

This was an interesting turn in the competition because at this stage, we could see who could really "think on their feet" and talk about things with minimal preparation.

From there, 5 speakers were chosen. I was so pleased to see that the speakers selected were fully engaging, talented and deserved the opportunity to shine.

These finalists were given the choice of two topics. Four of the participants chose the same one with only one person choosing the other. Consistent with the overall theme of the competition, the two final themes from which to choose were roughly action, passion, and creating a better world and dreams and inspirations.

In honor of those 42 participants, I'd like to list a few quotes and reflections I noted during the event. It's really easy to get a little deflated when living in a culture other than one's own; every day is a challenge and an opportunity. News in the US at this time seems no better than the news of corruption, collusion, and violence I often read or see on TV here.

Listening to the dreams and aspirations of young people can help us all remember that it is possible to look on the bright side...and the only way is to conquer our fears and strive forward with love.

Self confidence = trust

Don't just dream at night, dream all day!

We create our own enemies

Face the problem with courage and fix it with love

Success loves preparation

A dream is a natural inspiration from God

Equal rights...treating people the same empowers everybody

Racism breaks someone's dignity - why don't we just stop it?

Fight fire with water, not fire