New Year's Eve Reflection

Music has always been a foundation for me. It's been my go to source of comfort for many years...as I've said before, it often goes hand in hand with my faith and my relationship with God.

As is typical for me here, I am in a constant state of confusion. Contradictions abound and it often seems as if the only way to make peace here is to conform to behaviors that are antithetical to what I believe; dishonesty, objectifying others, making assumptions...these things are negative to most Western people, but here they don't seem to have the connotations that we (Westerners) employ for them...so...internal conflict. Having this awareness threatens to pull me back into a realm of cynicism from which I thought I was permanently free.

Anyway, this morning I bowed my head into deep and serious prayer.

"Dear Lord, please help me. I need you. I'm slipping. Please take me up. Please don't let me fall into negative thinking, hatefulness and prejudice. Please" 

I prayed that over and over until I felt His hand.

Then I turned on my iTunes. Shuffle. The first song that played, Light My Way from Audioslave.

And I'm tired and depressed 

And when my mind goes astray 

Won't you light my way 

Don't save it for another day 

Won't you light my way 

Thank You. I thought You heard my plea. The second song? Red Hot Chili Peppers. We Believe.

To see the bird without a care

For in a word it's nice out there

In a tree my mama bear

Will be all right with proper care

Hey hey, hey

Boomerang into a bigger bang

A little cry of love because they cannot sing

The motive, the measure

The purpose, the pleasure

The risk, is it worth it?

The disc, is it perfect?

I found you amongst them

The flower with young stem

Disparage, the broken

We Believe

That was nice. The last song that was in the message rotation was Blood Red Skies by Judas Priest. I knew this was the last one because the timbre had changed. This one is a pick and choose for meaning. But the point?

If that's my destiny, it'll have to be

So I'll face the future

Running out of time

I'm on the line

But I'll go down fighting

Felt the hand of justice

Telling wrong from right

Threw me out upon the street in the middle of the night

Never surrender

As the sun goes down

I won't give in to fear

2012 was a difficult one for me; many beliefs, much trust and openness, much of my capacity to love was challenged. I regret none of my decisions. I know that I do things that rock the status quo. I believe I'm supposed to do that. I believe that sometimes we get stuck in ruts from which we can't escape until we learn that we can. Some people have to get out the rut to show others. We never have to live in ways that are imposed upon us and cause pain...and we are never, ever, ever supposed to accept, without question, institutions that are supposed to provide a place of refuge for the broken or love and safety for the members to be used to hide abuse, exact human-initiated punishments and impose the maintenance of a status quo that is fortified and strengthened through fear, judgement, and threats.

As human beings, we're not perfect. To assume that we can be is the height of arrogance. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to feel hurt...but more than that, I don't want others to feel that way either. And I'm not tired yet.

My Charlie Brown Christmas Tree

As many of my friends in the US know, the season of Christmas is my favorite of the year. I love the festivities, the special music at church, thoughtfully selecting just the right gift for friends and loved ones, as well as splurging on those I don't know whose names were taken from an angel tree or other similar place,  and certainly, my Christmas tree.

My collection of ornaments include old ones from my childhood, Azze's ornaments from her childhood, and many cool and unique ones I've picked up over the 20+ years of being an adult. In addition to the sentimental ornaments and the Christian inspired ones that fill the branches of my trees each year, I've amassed a collection of animals - owls, a giraffe, a tiger, frogs, a gorilla, parrots, animals of beaten, colored tin from Mexico and many, many more. Creating a focal point of love in my Christmas tree has always been a favorite activity of mine...and I miss it.

My tree, Christmas, 2010

When I first moved to Charlotte in 1991, my Christmas decorations were little more than some special items on a small table with ornaments taped to the wall adorned with red ribbons, but every year after than, no matter what, we had a big ol' Christmas tree...in the early years, I would drag that big tree up the stairs to my condo, all by myself for Azze was still a little child. In short, I've had a big, beautiful, aromatic Christmas tree for 20+ years.

Last year, my first Christmas in Indonesia, I only had a bit of Christmas cheer in the form of decorations in my house, but I was OK with that. We all know the first year is the "one" that is a little different.

Decorations, 2011 (that's Javanese Jesus in the middle...)

For this year, I knew that I needed to prepare with a large houseplant that I could use. Evergreens exist here, but are a bit expensive and not quite the same as what I usually have, so flexibility is key. The plants that we in the US are accustomed to using in our homes are the ones that grow freely here, so finding something that would thrive inside the house was a challenge...a challenge to which I surrendered, I might add, because I had experienced failure a few times and I don't like playing with living things that way. I decided to buy something this year and call it good.

The trees I see most here are artificial with balls and garlands. There are some exceptions that are unique and creative, but in the rare instance when I see a tree, because they are artificial with no "sentimental" decorations, they usually are not what I think of when I think of a tree.

A tree made of coconut husks in a very popular store...a refreshingly thoughtful interpretation

This year, I looked around a bit for a real tree or plant that would survive inside for the month. In addition to being a bit expensive, I just wasn't feeling the pull to try and make something like that work.

I saw a picture on Facebook of a very simple decoration, 4 or 5 limbs attached to a wall with lights and some simple decorations. I thought it perfect - I'd try that.

Scavenging in the open area that is my "front yard", I collected some sticks to use. The open space in the front of my house is one of my favorite things about being here and since this is the last Christmas I'll spend in this house, I thought it appropriate to use things from around here.

The beautiful cluster of bamboo trees in front of my house, gazed upon lovingly by my friends Kelly and her husband, Ganda.

Sometimes when we can't have exactly what we'd like (I'm not rolling in money this year, so I'm employing a little known tactic of financial restraint this season) we have to think of creative ways to express what we need to express in alternative ways.

After the sticks I collected were assembled, I thought that just attaching them to the wall insufficient. Why not a standing, 3D tree? No green, of course, but at least the shape could be there. Soon, with the help of my very best friend, I had a dimensional "tree"...

Isn't that a sweet "tree"?

Such a "tree" as this can't handle a lot of heavy decorations, not in weight, but in principle. I had put together some little paper ornaments from batik wrapping paper and used them first...I took some paper plates that I used for gatherings last year and assembled a tree topper with the thought of the star, but also the meaning of Christmas...when love came down. Picking random things from around the house and backed by a string of lights attached to the wall (I had to tape SOMETHING to the wall, after all - it just wouldn't be the same if I didn't) my "tree" became my tree...

I'll still add some green garland, maybe...but I think I'm finished. When I look at my tree, I appreciate the simple things, but most of all, I appreciate what this season means to me. The gift of love upon which we Christians have built our faith. The coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, who came to save the world, not condemn the world and who told us, in no uncertain terms, God loves us.

Merry Christmas to all and may love fill our hearts this season and always.

This year, my decoration staple...adorned with tokens representing those I love and hold in my heart every day....

Sharing and Caring

Today I happily joined (for the second time) an awesome group of smart, talented and professional teachers who, in addition to those qualities, share another: They love their students.

We will get together regularly to discuss best practices, challenges, opportunities and advice to help students learn English.

Many teachers here teach at more than one place, and as a result, have a wealth of knowledge to share and much experience.

Today we talked about different ways to encourage and motivate students, as well as practical ways to respond to the varying competency levels that are often commonplace in an English language learning classroom.

One of the things that inspires me the most about this group is the sincere concern for the well-being, emotionally and intellectually, of the students. This group teaches, or has taught, students of every age, from diverse socio-economic backgrounds, and of varying competencies. One message was quite clear today: the students need to know that we care and that we love them. We're not there because we know everything or we're so awesome. We're there because we care.

And we're going to regularly spend time together to share, learn and grow so that we can do the best for our students.

Currently, I am not teaching formally in a classroom. I am committed to taking some time to improve my Bahasa Indonesia, getting a better grip on the nuances of this complex culture and developing my teaching skills.

I am so thankful for this group of people who have invited me to participate in this awesome and love-filled endeavor!