Menjalani Panggilan

 “We plan our lives according to a dream that came to us in our childhood, and we find that life alters our plans. And yet, at the end, from a rare height, we also see that our dream was our fate. 
It's just that providence had other ideas as to how we would get there. 
Destiny plans a different route, or turns the dream around, as if it were a riddle, and fulfills the dream in ways we couldn't have expected.” Ben Okri

As you know if you've read any of my previous blogs, I spend a great deal of time wondering why I'm here and what I'm supposed to be doing. I know my job description and understand the expectations of our partners for whom I teach English, but I'm talking about ME. Why am I the one? The application and interview process with the Presbyterian Church (USA) was the most comprehensive, holistic and thorough digging into my soul and physical being that I've ever experienced.  It felt like a more intense, and all the same normal, job interview - but - I am here based on faith; in response to a call.

Perhaps most people here teaching English have different motives than I. Very often it's difficult for me because people here are often accustomed to Westerners being here on a type of extended vacation. Yes, maybe they're teaching English or something, but you can believe at the first opportunity, they're often off to snorkel, vacation in Bali or check out another nearby country. I am here to live, to understand the culture, to try and get my arms around the complexities of a seemingly "easy" (ha!) language and to figure out how I'll be accountable at the same time. It is decidedly not easy.

My daughter asked me many months ago and my best friend asked me recently, basically, "Are you having fun?"

Does what I wrote above sound in any way "fun"? It is constant effort. Constant awareness/assessment. And it is constantly confusing.

I am blessed to have many loving people in my life. That is far and away the best thing about being here. Yes, this is a beautiful country, the architecture is fun and creative and the food is delicious. But the people enrich my life and give me happiness; the students, my co-workers and other teachers, my awesome friends, neighbors in the community. That's what it's about.

That being said, I am American, (Southern which is a little different from the stereotypical American, but still). Generically speaking, Americans like to work. It's how we determine our worth, or lack thereof. We like to "do" things, we have to produce results, we like to be held accountable, most of us are quite independent, and the way we speak is to the point with no room for interpretation or questions; anything less is disrespectful because we could be imposing on the "all important time" of another person.

I will just mention that "generic" American culture is quite different from that of "generic" Indonesia.

This is where the Southern part comes in handy.

Luckily, Southern Americans can take things a little slower than most Americans, we are all about being polite and respectful*, and we don't have much problem rolling around in a long conversation about nothing in particular.

But I still want to work hard. I want to go to sleep every night knowing that I "did" something productive. I've been called a workaholic, but I don't really think that's true. I won't kill myself to create unnecessary work or fabricate busy-ness just to feel useful, but when there's something to "do", I get it done. And I like that.

Additionally, I am rather outspoken. Yes, yes I know...that's an UNDERSTATEMENT very much, but still. I can't stand to see injustice, inequality, arrogance, meanness, you name it...if I think it's mean-spirited or wrong, I will usually say something about it. 

When out of context, it's smarter to keep your mouth shut and watch. Try to figure things out first. Do you have any idea how hard that is? Especially when it's something about which I have a very strong opinion...domestic violence, female empowerment, equality, the right to work, democracy, fairness...yes. These things are challenged here as they are in the US, but in the US, I can say something. I can DO something. Here, I can watch....and learn....and wait. That, friends, is not fun.

But all that being said, I am not here to have fun. I am not here to vacation and to have a big adventure. I am here in response to a call (in Bahasa Indonesia, "menjalani panggillan") For more on discerning a call, please enjoy this article from Princeton University: Discerning Your Vocation

The short of it is this: God doesn't call the prepared, He prepares the called. Every day that I am here, I understand more and more why I am here. My outspokenness and my ability to control it will come in handy one day. The way that I can meet people and be friendly helps me every day and it is from genuine affection, it's who I am, not just "putting on" as we say where I'm from. Paying attention to just about everything and trying to get a handle on things is my nature. And it's mandatory here. There is no question that I am supposed to be here. I am happy to be here...even though I wouldn't really call it "fun".

Big Fish by Tim Burton (2003) is my favorite movie. It seems that every time I watch it, I catch something new.  Watching it with my PhD students the other day, I caught this line (or something to this effect)

"I remembered a lesson from Sunday school that the harder the challenge, 

the greater the reward at the end". 

Sometimes when we feel we're onto something big, we can stand the obstacles or hurdles. I didn't really know that to be a "lesson from Sunday school" or even cultural, for that matter. I just thought that's the way things are. Now I know. I do feel that way. I am challenged every day. But I know I am supposed to be here. And I know that the benefits, whether to me or others, will be worth every second.  I am here, I am committed, and most of all, I am ready.

Now, I may from time to time need to be reminded of that, but I've also learned how to do that, too. And it starts like this:

Thank you, God for giving me this opportunity to learn and grow in your name and Holy Spirit. Please give me the strength and courage to do what I'm supposed to do. Even it that's really not "doing" anything. Amen. 

*Southern people are known for being polite, hospitable and respectful, but we're also known for being a little bit hostile if we feel that we've been disrespected or mistreated. I think that's why we're always so nice to each other. It's safer that way :-)